Silent Victim Mentality - NO MORE!

Being honest, even when requested, has caused me to lose more relationships than I ever anticipated.

At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own survival and growth.

I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why would I not want to be honest with myself?

Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.

When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl. 

Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.

It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.

In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that. I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in general, good men, great men even.

But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men – the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”

Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are, maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."

Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve grown stronger.

I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have been honest.

The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.

But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.

It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.

As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.

I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life. 

I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.

Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.

I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.

A whole new world has opened to me.

Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.

Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…

P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.

Make It Count! The Clock Is Ticking...

Last night, I saw what I thought was a fiery multi-car crash that completely closed down the west side of the 134 freeway in the Greater Los Angeles area. I burst into tears seeing the flames because all I could think was, "Those people were just on their way home, or going to the store, or heading wherever and SUDDENLY their life was derailed or, God forbid, cut short." I had just been on that side of the freeway as I headed to the store to run an errand. There but for the grace of God go I.

This morning I woke up to a text that a dear friend's brother had passed away suddenly from a heart attack at age 60.

This evening I learned that one of the most influential spiritual leaders in the world and his wife died in a plane crash - Dr. Myles Munroe and his wife Ruth.

We never know when our number is up. It's so important to live each day to the fullest, with purpose, showing love to your loved ones. We can't wait until tomorrow, because for some, it's not coming.
DeVon Franklin said it well, (paraphrasing) "Our life is a book being written by God. We never know if we're in the beginning, middle or end chapter."

We have to live each day with meaning. Forgive and ask for forgiveness, love and allow ourselves to be loved, find our purpose and fulfill it.

Most importantly, be confident about where you're going when you leave this life. It can be over in an instant. Make it count!

Constantly Thinking...and determined to constantly fulfill my purpose!

What They Don't Tell You...

They don’t tell the abused woman that once she finally gathers her strength and leaves that abusive man, there will still be days she will miss him and consider going back.

They don’t tell the undervalued employee that when they quit that dead-end job and follow their dreams, there will be incredibly difficult days ahead, and sometimes they’ll long to be back in that broken office chair at that dysfunctional company.

They don’t tell you that when you finally release that friend or family member or man or woman or church leader who didn’t value you, that you’ll still miss them terribly because even if they didn’t recognize your value, you recognized theirs.

They don’t tell you that not settling for the man who doesn’t value you as a wife and won’t marry you, doesn’t make you stop loving him.

They don’t tell you that being strong can still hurt.

All they tell you is how much better it will be. But better doesn’t always happen immediately. Sometimes you'll just be lonely or horny or impatient. At times you'll be so lonely, horny or impatient that it will make you want to walk backwards. Don't do it.

The rewards will come. Once you start valuing yourself, you will attract the people who value you, as well. But it’s a journey, it will take time, and there will be pain along the way.

Like a runner training for a marathon, or a person working out to lose 50 pounds, or a woman in labor, it’s a process. At some point, you’ll look back and say the journey was worth it; but in the midst of it, you may have to encourage yourself.

Keep your eye on the goal. Don’t look backwards toward the crap (lest you turn into a pillar of salt – LOL). Know your value.

Yes, there’s a possibility that the person or employer in your past is also part of your future. There's a chance that some of those relationships or jobs will be restored, but it will be with new people (same human, different character). You will have changed and so will they. Think Steve Jobs and Apple. It can happen, but not without internal change – on both sides.

Keep moving forward.

Constantly Thinking…

Be Incredible

Are you doing the most?

If someone came to this country to make a new life for themselves and they possessed all that you had – brains, beauty / good looks, family, talent, experience, education, love, wisdom, friends, material things, knowledge of purpose – would they be doing what you’re doing?

Or would they be doing the most?

What are YOU doing with all you’ve been given?

Someone would gladly trade their circumstances for yours.

My dad was a brilliant cook. He would look in my nearly bare cupboard and say, “Let’s see…syrup, rice, mushrooms, tuna – oh yeah! We’ve got a meal here!”

I would think he was crazy but then he’d create a delicious masterpiece.

What I saw as lacking or not enough he saw as opportunity.

If you don’t know what to do with what you have, what you’ve been given, what you’ve been born with, what you’ve learned and experienced – ask someone on the outside. Ask them a hypothetical question. “What would you do if you were a brilliant, handsome, creative, engineer who loved trains?”

Their answer will probably be simple. They’d be doing the most.

It's time to start being incredible (and stop making excuses!).

Constantly Thinking…

The Romance of Sports

 

I actually love avid sports fans. I'm not really one myself, but I can get into a sport when I'm with people who really love it.

My enjoyment is pretty much limited to football and basketball, with tennis and soccer coming in a distant third and fourth. I can also enjoy an occasional baseball game in person but not so much on TV.

Golf is not really my thing (although I love to play miniature golf). And I absolutely refuse to watch hockey or boxing. Way too violent for my taste!

The way I most enjoy watching sports, however, is with my man!

I think watching sports with my man (and his friends) is one of the most romantic and sexiest things in the world. All that testosterone! Wow! Watching him be all manly and competitive makes me feel all girly. I know feminists everywhere are cringing. Whatever! You do you! I'll enjoy my super masculine, avid sports fan, ultra sexy man!

What activities do you find romantic or sexy to do with your man or woman that you might not enjoy on your own?

Constantly Thinking....(about romance)

Constance's Top 12 Rules for Successful Living

1. Recognize the power of your words. You can give life or destroy it with your words. Never give your word lightly or recklessly. Your character is judged by whether or not you are a person of your word.
2.  Your belief or faith in yourself (or lack thereof) will guide your words and actions. Believing in yourself and speaking words of faith and optimism will actually create opportunities and open doors for you. The opposite is also true.
3. Always live in and enjoy the present. Don’t wait to appreciate the value of a person or an event when it’s past. Don’t focus on how much better things will be in the future. Live in and for today!
4. Love deeply and without reserve. Love is life-giving! Life is richer and more enjoyable with love in it. Love makes successes greater and challenges easier to handle.
5. Apologize and forgive quickly, especially to those you care about. Life is short. No one has time to hold onto anger or grudges.
6. Never be afraid to admit mistakes or ask for help in all areas of your life – business, school, parenting, relationships.
7. When you’re in a relationship (especially a marriage), keep your business between the two of you. You’re the team. Don’t allow outside influences to jeopardize your marriage or relationship. No “bro code” or “sisterhood” should supersede the commitment you two have to each other.
8. Be willing to take a risk…in life, in business and in love. You only live once. Even if you fail, you’ll learn. If you do fail, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, apply your wisdom and knowledge from your experiences, and try again.
9. Learn how to manage your money early in life. Don’t spend more than you have. Learn how to save. Knowing how to manage money wisely will save you years of heartache and mistakes.
10. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. Strengths and weaknesses can both work to your benefit. Use them wisely.
11. Never underestimate your value…or anyone else’s. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you don’t value yourself, neither will anyone else.
12. Never ignore red flags. You can count on having regrets if you do. We have instincts, intuition, and the Holy Spirit for a reason.

Glass House Syndrome - Stop Throwing Stones!

Good deeds get done. Laws get changed. Inventions are created and discoveries are made. Since there are no perfect people who are the ones doing this good stuff?

Are the good deeds of a great person negated by the sins in their personal life? King David was an adulterer and a murderer, but did that negate the good he did for his kingdom? We’ve had great politicians who did amazing things for our country, but they were also adulterers, liars, cheaters, sometimes thieves and murderers. Do we dismiss their good deeds?

There is a reason that the story of the adulterous woman is included in the Bible. It reminds us that none of us are perfect. So, before we judge someone else - even when they are absolutely wrong - we need to check ourselves.

For those unfamiliar...back in Biblical days, if a woman was caught in an adulterous relationship, she was stoned by the townspeople. There was no penalty for the man.

A group of teachers of the law brought an adulterous woman to Jesus and asked if he thought they should uphold the law of Moses and stone her. (They were testing Jesus to see if he would go against the law of the time.)

After a while, Jesus replied, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." One by one they all dropped their stones and walked away. Jesus didn't go against the law. He just turned the mirror back on the accusers.

"Before you kill her, or persecute her, for not being perfect, consider your own imperfections. Are you willing to be stoned or persecuted for your wrongdoings, as well?"

We should all ask ourselves that same question.

Before you trash people - politicians, celebrities, public figures, your relatives, your spouse, your classmates, your co-workers, your boss - consider your own imperfections. Would it be okay to have your wrongdoings exposed publicly in the news and on social media, or discussed and ridiculed privately among friends and family? Is it okay for you to lose your job because of mistakes or bad choices you made years ago?

What is the deciding factor about what’s right or wrong? Is it really about whether people know or not? Does public exposure condone public persecution?  That’s a really stupid scale of judgment. “If we find out about it you’ll get punished.” Is that why we feel it’s okay to judge? “At least people don’t know about what I’ve done or what I’m doing.” Wrong is wrong whether it’s public or not.

We don’t have to (and shouldn’t) condone or reward wrongdoing. People will reap what they sow. Karma is real.  Should people be punished for their bad deeds? Of course they should. But where do we draw the line?

• A brilliant writer is also a petty thief. Does that negate the brilliance of his books? Should he lose his publishing deal if convicted?
• A world-famous chef also cheats on his wife or turns out to be racist. Does it change the taste of his food? Should his sales dip? Should he lose his TV show, his restaurant, his distribution deal?
• A world-changing civil rights leader is a known womanizer. Should we rescind the rights of the minorities he helped free? Should unfair voting rights return?
• A talented sports hero has serious anger management issues. Should he be fired from his team? Should he lose his endorsement deals?
• An incredibly effective politician plagiarizes a paper in college, cheats on his wife, lies on his taxes, and accepts payoffs from business people who advance his agenda. Should he lose his position?

What about those who aren't in the public eye? Let's bring it down the to level of the majority.

• If every man who has ever abused a woman – physically, verbally, or sexually – lost his job, how many men would be out of work?
• If every person who ever cheated on a test or plagiarized in college got fired, how many people would be unemployed?
• If every man or woman who was (or is) unfaithful to their spouse or intimate with someone else’s spouse, was killed, how many people would be dead?
• If the good deeds, inventions, and legislation of every politician or businessman who ever lied or didn’t keep their word were erased and they were labeled a known liar, who would still attempt good deeds?
• If everyone who failed on a project was publicly shamed and fired, who would even try to succeed?

Here's what we can do: 

1. Keep doing the right thing. 
2. Keep trying. 
3. Even when you mess up, keep trying. 
4. Apologize and admit your wrongdoings quickly. 
5. Forgive others. 
6. Don’t judge.

One final note...

It seems like people are far more punitive and judgmental when they “discover” your wrongdoing. Knock the legs out from under them, steal their thunder, admit your sins, and make amends before others find out about them on their own.

Transparency is freedom. If everyone started admitting and correcting their mistakes before they could be used against them, this era of tabloid-esque, scandalized media and social networking skewering would end!

Constantly Thinking…

Social Media Faux Pas

I know it seems like we can, should, and do only communicate with our friends, family and acquaintances via social media - FB, Twitter and Instagram.

But here's the thing about social media...
It's a great form of communication for acquaintances, whose numbers we don't have anyway.
It's a great way to stay updated with distant friends and relatives.
It's a great marketing tool for business and casual acquaintances.
It's "another" form of communication for those who are close to us.
It's a great general way to keep "the masses" informed about what's going on with you on a surface level. 

HOWEVER...
It doesn't replace real relationships.
It shouldn't be used for resolving (or exposing) relationship issues.
It shouldn't replace real conversation.
It's not for sharing personal messages (that should be sent or spoken directly to a friend or family member).

My friend, Justin, made the mistake of tweeting what should have been a personal message to Madonna for her birthday.

https://celebrity.yahoo.com/news/justin-timberlake-calls-madonna-ninja-her-birthday-sparks-134500779-us-weekly.html

He should have made a personal call or sent a private text. Some would say he shouldn't have said it at all - but that's between Justin and Madonna and their personal relationship. We all have that friend or loved one that we jokingly call out of their name, not necessarily profanely so, but still inappropriate in mixed company.

My nicknames, pet names, code names and trash talk names between me and my friends or my man will not be posted or tweeted for all the world to see. Some stuff is just between you and them. JT's backlash was swift and fierce, but he's a fast learner. He'll be all right. Hopefully, those who need to will learn from his mistake, though.

Constantly Thinking...and posting, tweeting, blogging, texting, writing, calling and talking face-to-face!

Don't Poke the Bear!

Before I became a Christian, I suffered no fools. If you were an idiot, rude, or you approached me inappropriately, I told you off – regardless of your age or position. I straightened you out, or kicked you out of my life if you wouldn’t get straight – with a quickness.

As it related to dating, men had to come correct or not at all. My dad, only somewhat jokingly, declared that I had a revolving door policy. Treat me right or else you’d disappear!

Second chances were rarely given.

Before I became a Christian, I had an unchecked, super sharp tongue that would shred friend and foe alike. I still have a super sharp tongue – I just know how to keep it in check. If it cuts now, it’s intentional.

After becoming a Christian, I learned all about mercy and temperance. Mercy is still not my strong suit, but I operate more frequently in it. The temperance piece was easier to adapt to my life.  I tamed my tongue and my temper and began operating in love.

The challenge is that in quieting my tongue and my temper, I also muted my intuition – the Holy Spirit within me. The red flags would raise and I would subdue and restrain them along with my fiery temper and my razor-sharp tongue. I began to let people into my life and my heart against my better judgment, against the red flags, against the Holy Spirit. I let them remain in my life because I’d learned all about love and mercy. I believed the best in everyone and ignored the screaming signs and warnings! I was merciful and temperate, but foolishly so.

The predators saw my softening and pounced! They saw me drop my guard – or recognized it was down when they met me – and they came like a flood, armed with Deception and the Weapon of Conviction.

The Weapon of Conviction                                                             

You see, there are those who specifically prey on strong Christians and other good people by mistreating, deceiving or taking advantage of them. Then they beat them over the head with the Weapon of Conviction. “Why are you accusing me of doing something wrong? Are you judging me? Doesn’t the Bible say not to judge? Okay, maybe I am or was doing a little something wrong. But what about mercy? Doesn’t the Bible say to forgive and have mercy?”

For years, those people played me like a harp. To my detriment, I learned all about Deception and the Weapon of Conviction. I say “to my detriment” because it’s been through experience. I also now realize that it’s been to my benefit, because I can now see them when they’re being wielded as a weapon.

Don’t get me wrong. Conviction itself is a good thing, when revealed and self-administered as directed by the Holy Spirit. And I have no regrets for learning about mercy. It’s useful with children and people who are struggling with doing the right thing. I have no regrets about learning how to tame my tongue and my temper. I use them only when needed now. I’m in control of them instead of the other way around.

I have found my balance. I can be as shrewd as a snake and as innocent as a dove at the same time. I may have learned them one at a time – shrewdness first, then innocence – but now they’ve combined to form a stronger, wiser woman.

After several relationships and friendships with imposters whose intention was or is to do harm to good people, predators who come armed with deception and the weapon of conviction in case they’re called on their crap, I say this:

The line has been drawn. I have thrown down the gauntlet. You’ve played me – and played with me – one time too many. If you come at me wrong, with deception, ugliness, cruelty, or with any other weapon, be prepared for war. I am now armed and dangerous, as well, and I will fight back. 

Don’t poke this bear.

Constantly Thinking…