Do I Represent?

In answer to Shirley's question about whether I represent...

I absolutely do. I represent myself, my family, my race, my gender, Christians, my church, business leaders, artists (writer/directors), my companies (the one I own, and the one I'm employed by), my friends, my neighborhood, my former employers, my man (when I have one)...you name it.

Is it fair? It is what it is. Knowing people are going to judge me as well as everything they think I represent holds me to a higher standard. Frankly, I'm proud and honored to represent all the groups, companies and people who might hold me up to be a representation of them.

The only reason I mentioned in my blog profile that I'm a "Black female" is because I was talking about Black men and women. I wouldn't usually introduce or describe myself that way - because it's not necessary. But I wanted people to know that I was speaking from first-hand experience - not speaking against another race. I'm actually going to change my profile soon (and periodically), based on what I blog next.

Are you proud and honored to represent? Or do you consider it unfair or too much responsibility?

Constantly Thinking

Your Game Face

How good is your game face? When you're hurt, scared, angry or just truly dislike the person you're talking to - can everyone tell just by looking at your face?

Or are you like The Mona Lisa? Can you give a smile when you're in the presence of a heathen? Turn on the charm and 1000watt smile when your heart is breaking? Take a deep breath and respond calmly, without sarcasm or irritated tone, when you're furious?

"Point of No Return" (a remake of La Femme Nikita) is one of my favorite movies. In one of the scenes, the main character "Nina" (aka "Maggie" and "Claudia") is taught to handle unpleasant situations - no matter how big or small - by simply smiling and saying, "I never did mind about the little things."

Are you able to do that - feel it and say it? Or is your hot and cold temperament meter completely apparent to everyone who sees you? Do people regularly walk up to you and say, "What's wrong?"

When you're in a meeting and someone says something you think is ridiculous, can everyone tell you think they're an idiot just by looking at your face?

Or do you hold your emotional cards close to your chest with only a select few able to identify your moods and truly know what you're feeling?

Are you more like the Godfather - who teaches his son, Sonny, "Never tell anyone outside the Family what you are thinking again!" Or are you more like Sonny whose every thought and feeling blew out of him like a smokestack?

I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I have cried at the drop of a hat - even in front of a crowd. And at other times, I've been seemingly cool as a cucumber but dying inside.

It's not easy.

Constantly Thinking...

Do You Represent?

When you see someone of your race (or gender) on television with no teeth (or a tooth every now and then), in a tattered bathrobe (or spray-on clothing), with rollers in their hair (or a comb-over) cutting up in front of the camera, do you cringe?

Do they really represent your race or gender?

Who do you represent?

Yourself? Your family? Your parents? Your children? Your spouse? Your gender? Your race? The military? Your job? Christians? Your church? Your fraternity? Your friends?

When you go out and act up, who other than you gets a bad rap?

If you don't believe you represent anyone but yourself does that make it a fact?

About Black Women

Of course it's only fair for me to be honest about the women now.

So, here goes. Although I am a Black woman, I honestly don't understand most Black women. Not the "typical" ones, anyway.

I don't have the typical Black woman attitude or mindset, apparently. I have been told that repeatedly by Black men - and they meant it as a compliment. But not being "typical" also meant that I didn't fit in with the crowd in school. And I didn't and still don't hang with the Black female cluster in business settings.

I don't have the proverbial Black woman chip on my shoulder. I don't think all Black men are dogs. I've dated absolutely wonderful Black men and I'm still friends with most of them. Most of the Black women I know think every ex is a dog - who was hiding in sheep's clothing to attract and conquer her. I don't feel that way. I date nice guys - not bad boys. When we break up - they're still nice guys. Just nice guys with whom it didn't work out.

I don't feel like I need to constantly give everyone - especially men - a piece of my mind. "I couldn't help it" or "they just pushed me too far," is not a valid excuse to tell someone off, in my opinion. I can actually control my temper and my tongue.

I'm one of the few Black women I know who didn't cheer when Angela Bassett burned up her cheating husband's belongings in "Waiting to Exhale." I have never and would never slash my man's tires, beat down "the other woman," or go off on my man in public. (I don't "go off," actually. I fight fair.) My neck doesn't actually even crank.

I don't call my girlfriends "bi**h, hoe or hootchie. And they don't call me that either. I think that's obnoxious and rude. If you call me that, I certainly don't consider you a friend.

I don't proudly or with attitude pronounce "I don't have any women friends. Women just don't like me." I've learned that you have to be a (trustworthy) friend to have a friend. In general, I've found women who declare they don't have women friends are not very friendly - and don't make good friends. They judge other women, compare themselves with them, and try to flirt with other women's men just to see if they can take him - not because they really want him. (That's ugly.)

I don't consider every Black woman I meet to be competition. I don't compare myself with them to see who's prettier, thinner, has better hair, more fashionable clothes, etc. I've heard more women say, "I don't know why he wants her. I look better than her." So! Looks are clearly not everything. There's always a prettier girl. Men don't just choose the prettiest. They choose the one who clicks with them. You don't have to understand it or try to compete with it.

I don't feel like men need to just recognize that I'm a queen and they need to just serve me! My man and I (when I have one) serve each other. And I truly like to serve my man. I LIKE to cook his meals, and fix his plate, and wash his clothes, and make sure the house is clean and warm and inviting when he gets home. And yet I'm still a businesswoman. And not just any businesswoman - a business leader - a president, CEO and executive director. And serving my man doesn't make me a doormat. It shows my man that I love and respect him, and that he's first with me. I can be a tiger in the boardroom, and a pussycat in the bedroom (or a tiger, if he prefers).

But my man (when I have one) doesn't take me for granted. He serves me right back. He fills my tank with gas, and washes my car, helps me on with coat, and opens doors for me. He carries anything that's even a little bit heavy, opens jars that are even a little bit tight, and boldly protects me from situations that are even a little bit dangerous.

Allowing my man to do these things doesn't make me a weak Black woman. I don't have to prove to a man that I can do things on my own. A real man knows that already. I can be a lady with my man and allow him to be a gentleman.

I didn't get married until I was in my mid-thirties - but that didn't make me desperate. I enjoyed being single. Unfortunately, I'm not with my husband any longer - but that doesn't make me bitter or angry. I loved being married. I was a good wife. And I'll be a good wife again someday, God willing. If not, I'll be a great woman regardless - whether single, dating or married!

Black women who speak of Black men as though they're worthless don't deserve a man. Women who talk about the man they're with negatively, don't deserve that man. If you're having trouble with your man - the only people who should know are you and your man. Even if you both decide it won't work out - your reasons why should be private. And if they're the same reasons you break up with every man, perhaps the reasons have more to do with you and/or your choices and not the men that YOU keep choosing.

Strong, intelligent, generous, accountable, Black men with a sense of humor are rare. But they do exist - just like the blogger said. If a woman is really that special, really that much of a queen, why would she think that she could and should date just any man? Either you're rare and special or you're not. If you are, then the average Joe off the street or in the club is NOT going to be the one for you. Perhaps if you keep choosing losers, it's because you're not really that special yourself. Don't get mad at the men for that! You're the one who said "yes" and accepted the date!

I don't choose losers. I choose wonderful men who are wonderful before, during and after we're together. But I don't date indiscriminately. Because the average Joe is for the average Josie. And I'm not average.

Just to be clear - I have a LOT of wonderful Black women friends. I've been fortunate to find women who, like me, don't fit into the "typical" category. I had ten phenomenal women as my bridesmaids in my wedding. The men who attended couldn't believe they were around that many beautiful women - inside and out. They're rare, but they do exist. Since the wedding, I've met a number of other atypical, beautiful Black women. They've immediately been folded into the group. That's the other thing about me that's not typical. When I meet wonderful people, I introduce them to each other. I have no insecurities about my friends meeting and connecting with each other. I don't compete with them. My feeling is that there are only so many of us in the world - we should all know each other. There's strength in unity. We help and encourage each other. There are no schisms between us.

For those who do try to create conflict every now and then by either "stealing" a friend (which is impossible) or talking about one of the others or me, they just oust themselves from the group. And then, they usually straighten themselves back out and rejoin - because they miss the camaraderie and sisterhood of real Black women.

So, which kind of Black woman are you? If you're a man, which kind have you dated? If you're a Black man and you've dated outside of your race, why? And what did you find the differences to be?

Talk to me.

Until then, I'm...

Constantly Thinking

P.S. Just for the record - cowards are not worthless. Most people - men and women of all colors and races - fall into this category, unfortunately. It's just a character flaw - that can actually be corrected with practice. I mentioned the cowardice of most Black men yesterday because I was thinking about women choosing the bad boys and why. I was thinking about whether or not we train them up that way. I was thinking about whether or not we settle for and coddle cowardice rather than expecting accountability and bravery. But I love my Black brothers. And as I said, I'm still friends (and in contact) with almost every man I've ever dated. (Which also proves I'm not the crazy, chip-on-the-shoulder, typical Black woman.) How many of my Black sisters are still friends with their exes? A note of advice: If you're truly a good woman and you choose good men, you can be friends even if doesn't work out.

About Black Men

I know. It seems sexist. Racist. And stereotypical. Or would it be called racial profiling?

But, regardless of all that...

It is truly my opinion that most Black men are cowards. And, of the few that aren't, most of them have chosen a criminal lifestyle.

I can think of, maybe, ONE Black, educated man who isn't a coward (perhaps two - definitely no more than three!). I'm talking about man who would not only protect his woman, but would protect any vulnerable woman or child who happened to be victimized in his presence. Most would turn their heads, pretending they hadn't seen anything. Some would choose not to get involved - "not their battle, not their issue." A few might even attempt a weak intervention, backing off if the perpetrator seemed serious.

How many of you truly know a man - a Black man - who would stand up for what's right when everyone else around him - especially his peers - are going for what's wrong?

Most men - white, black, red or yellow - wouldn't do that. Just take a look at all the financial ruin we're in because of greedy, weak-minded, cowardly men 1) making bad choices, 2) willingly going along with them, or 3) choosing to look the other way.

I once dated a man who ran and hid when a riot broke out at a concert we attended together. I was left standing in the middle of the crowd because I wasn't even aware that there was a problem, until I saw him dive over a concession stand counter.

I was involved with a man who called his young son to protect him over the phone while he walked through a dangerous part of town. What the French Toast?!

Black men who are afraid to date strong Black women infuriate me. Of course, they say it's because they don't want the hassle - and that may be true for some. (I'll deal with angry, bitter Black women on another day.) But most of the Black men who don't date Black women, have NEVER dated a Black woman.

Why is it so hard to find an educated, truly strong Black man? Not one with false bravado. Lip service means nothing. Anybody can talk a good game. But the proof is in the pudding. Ladies, if you've ever been with a man who sensed danger around you and immediately put himself between you and it - you know what I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about bullies or abusive men. Those are the biggest cowards of all! They have to make others feel small to make themselves feel big.

And I'm definitely not talking about an arrogant man. One who uses or holds his intelligence or degrees over everyone else's heads, talking down to everyone he meets. But when push comes to shove and he has to actually apply that intelligence in a practical, tangible way he falters.

No. I'm talking about a man who is truly self-assured - who doesn't have to convince you with words. One who takes accountability for his actions, and therefore considers his actions before taking them. One who doesn't foolishly walk into a dangerous situation, but if confronted with one will face it head on - protecting what and who is his in the process.

Most Black men don't fit into this category - unless they're upper-level criminals. Seriously. This is why so many women - Black women - are attracted to bad boys. Bad boys are bad asses. They're not afraid to fight for what's theirs. And a woman REALLY wants a man who's willing to fight for her.

The thing about bad boys, though, is that they make bad choices. Their thinking is all wrong. They're unafraid, yet unwise. I don't date criminals - I don't care how brave they are.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE Black men. I am definitely not the typical, angry, bitter Black woman. I cherish my man when I'm in a relationship. I lift him up and encourage him to be all that he is and can be. But, with the exception of one, most Black men that I've dated have been intimidated by me and my (insert word here) - intelligence, ambition, self-confidence, you name it. I've actually been asked to just "tone it down" a little so that they can shine instead. They're attracted to my light, but then they immediately try to dim it. Again, except one. And, yes, that "one" was and is a real man, not a coward; educated, not a criminal; accountable but definitely a bad ass - but in a good way. Our timing was just off, unfortunately.

So, what's an intelligent, educated Black woman to do when she wants an educated bad ass man who can and will protect her, fight for her, and take accountability for his actions - but who's not a criminal? Where are they? What are we doing or not doing as Black parents - single or married - that we're not raising them up to be that way?