I Am That Foolish

I am that foolish that I will keep loving you after you’ve stopped loving me.

I am that foolish that even if you unfriend me – whether on social media or in real-life – I will still keep loving you. I will still keep being your friend. I will still keep praying for you.

I am that foolish that when I love you, I will forget most of the horrible things you’ve said or done.

I am that foolish that I will reach out not once, not twice, not three times, but for as long as my hope remains.

I am that foolish that I truly believe that love conquers all.

I am that foolish that I see and believe in your potential, and often ignore your reality.

I am that foolish that I believe in your dreams and will help you fulfill them, even if you don’t believe in me and mine.

I am that foolish that I love without reserve.

I am that foolish that even when I have recognized that you don’t have my best interest at heart, if you’re hurting, I will try to help you.

I am that foolish that I will never stop believing in love.

I am that foolish.

Constantly Thinking...

End Note: I am proud to be that foolish because you know who else is that foolish? Jesus.

The Choice

As He created me, He gave me a choice.

"I can create you to care deeply, to love without reserve, to give your all in all of your relationships - in romance, with family and friends, even in the workplace. You'll experience the greatest joys, the highest highs, and a depth of emotion most people never experience. You'll change countless lives because of your passion. You'll motivate others to be passionate and give more of themselves in all they do.

"But...choosing to feel deeper emotions goes both ways. With great passion, comes deeper pain when you experience disappointments. Your heart will break from time to time and the depth of the pain you will feel will seem overwhelming. The intensity will be comparable to the blissful, heart-warming feeling of the joy you experience.

"Or...you can choose moderation. Your highs won't be too high. Your lows won't be too low. You will still experience joy, but perhaps not as passionately. You will still experience pain, but it won't be soul crushing. You may possibly still change lives, but not as many, because people are moved by passion.

"The choice is yours."

Without hesitation, I replied, "I choose passion. I choose to love without reserve. I want to be used to change lives. I believe that the joy and love can sustain me during the painful times."

He smiled. "Yes, joy and love can sustain you. Here's the thing, though. You won't recall making this choice. You'll live your life not realizing you chose this path. You'll be thrilled when you feel love and joy, but you'll think 'why me?' when you go through heartbreak. You'll hurt so much you'll want to give up."

How could that be, I wondered. "No! How could I forget?"

He said, "Even though you're born with your memories of this time, by the time you're old enough to understand them, you've forgotten them."

"Okay, but even if I forget, I'll have to realize what's going on. I mean, it will just make sense. Passion in one direction would automatically mean passion in the other direction. Right? Won't I be smart enough to figure that out? Wait. Will I be smart?"

He laughed, "Don't worry. You'll be very smart. But emotions and passion aren't based on logic and intelligence. They operate on a completely different plane."

This would be an even more difficult decision than I realized. "Do you give everyone this choice?" I wondered.

"Everyone has their own choice to make," He replied.

And then... He patiently waited, as though He had all the time in the world...which I suppose He does.

Ultimately, I made my choice.

Constantly Thinking (and Feeling)...

Priorities & Perspective

A couple months ago I was launched into a health challenge. It started off seemingly small, then grew into something larger and scarier. After undergoing multiple ultrasounds, mammograms, MRIs and more invasive procedures and incisions than I care to count, I was finally declared in the clear! Everything was benign, no malignancy.

I am incredibly grateful, of course, as are all my loved ones. Most of them said, "I knew you were going to be fine." I mostly did, too.

However, even when you "mostly" believe you're going to be fine, there's a little part of you that recognizes this may be "that moment." What if this is the beginning of the end?

That tiny percentage has great power. It makes you re-prioritize and put things in perspective. Here are a few things I learned during this health crisis.

1) KNOW WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE (& STOP WASTING TIME WITH SOUL-SUCKERS)
I didn't share my health challenge with everyone, just those I knew would have my best interest at heart. I shared with those who would pray with and for me. I shared with those I knew would encourage me on my darkest days. I didn't share with those who not-so-secretly wish me ill will; or those who are fond of quoting platitudes and scriptures with no depth behind them. I didn't share with those who would forget I was going through a challenge as soon as we got off the phone. Those last groups caused me to re-evaluate the people I call friends. I disengaged from toxic people, and distanced myself from some of those who were just sucking up time and energy.

2) TREASURE THE FRIENDS YOU HAVE - AND LET THEM HAVE THEIR MOMENT.
I absorbed the words and prayers of encouragement and healing from some of my sisters and brothers, without ever sharing with them what I was going through. I'm part of several support and professional groups who do great things - life groups, prayer groups, acting groups. I didn't share with all of them. Some of them are or were going through things far worse than what I was facing. I didn't need to add my situation to the pile. One of my dearest friends and mentors taught me that lesson.

When my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, years ago, I would call my friend almost every day and she would pray with me. Little did I know (because she never said) that her brother was dealing with cancer, as well. When he lost his battle, and I attended the funeral, she and I had an emotional moment together. I said, "You never said a word." She said, "I didn't have to. When I prayed for your Mom, I was praying for him as well. I didn't want to take anything away from what you needed." She is one of the most selfless people I know, and I love her dearly.

I learned from that. Sometimes your friends just need to have their moment. You don't have to add anything to it. Pray for them and you'll be praying for yourself, as well.

3) VISIT, TALK, FORGIVE, SAY "I'M SORRY" OR "I LOVE YOU"
I tend to be very demonstrative - both physically and verbally - with my love, affection, and appreciation, so I didn't really have people I was estranged from or people who don't know I love them. I don't hold grudges, and I forgive easily, so that wasn't an issue. I apologize all the time (some say too much) so that wasn't really an issue.

The "visit and talk" piece, though...This health scare did make me want to reach out to my friends and family I haven't talked to in a while. It made me have conversations with exes to let them know how much I appreciated what we had. Not looking to reconcile, just letting them know what I appreciate(d) about them, and what I appreciated about us. It made me schedule trips to see family and friends that I haven't seen in a while. It made me reach out to cousins I love and miss, friends I haven't seen or heard from in a while. We picked right up where we left off. I need to do that more often.

4) TAKE A VACATION
In addition to the important family/friend visits above, I realized I need to take a real vacation. I now actually have time off scheduled, and I plan to go some place I've always wanted to visit. So many of my friends are taking fabulous vacations, which I admire so much. I spend my days and nights working, which is important and fulfilling. But I haven't stopped to smell a rose in a very long time. I may be a superhero, but I need some down time periodically.

5) GET IT DONE
I have a couple things on my "Get it done" list (aka bucket list). I would be so disappointed with myself if I didn't complete these things before dying. The threat of dying shouldn't have to be my motivation to get them done. But since it was...consider it handled.

6) FALL IN LOVE - MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!
Being in love is my absolute favorite thing on the planet to do! It feels great. No, not just great - absolutely amazing! It energizes me. It gives me (even more) purpose, and a reason to fulfill the purpose I already have.

I want my "happily ever after." My current lifestyle didn't allow enough time for love. How can I not have enough time for the thing that gives me the greatest joy?! This health scare triggered immediate changes in my schedule, availability and accessibility to my future husband.

I'm looking forward to and already planning more social outings, more flirting, more dates. I'm looking forward to falling, being, and remaining in love with my husband-to-be...'til death do we part.


Even a health scare can be useful and helpful. It motivated me to adjust my perspective and get my priorities straight!

Feel free to get your priorities straight without the accompanying and terrifying health scare.

Constantly Thinking...

Unactionable Love

Some love is unactionable. You can feel it, strongly. It can even be mutual. Acting on it, however, is not an option. Acting on it actually destroys it.

Unactionable love is different than "forbidden love," although they are very similar. Forbidden love speaks on its desire. Forbidden love often takes action.

Conversely, unactionable love typically stems from strong character and unwavering integrity. Acting on it, or even speaking on it, can fracture one or both of those. Forbidden love sometimes seems to grow stronger when engaged.

Unactionable love can be due to any number of reasons. It may be the unavailability of one or more person. It can be due to the position the parties hold. It can occur when distance prevents a real relationship.

I have experienced unactionable love multiple times - for all of the reasons above.

Here's the thing, though...unactionable love still feels good. The emotions are still sincere. It's based on huge admiration and respect. Nothing needs to be said or done or even acknowledged.

An emotionally mature person can simply just enjoy the beauty of it.

I will say this... an emotionally "immature" or broken person is compelled to act on love, regardless of whether or not they should. That's the "forbidden love" state of mind. I've been there, too.

Once.

In a hugely broken state, I acted on a love that was not just unactionable but forbidden. It literally destroyed me. That's one of those mistakes you do NOT make twice.

Now, coming from a significantly healthier and self-aware place, I can enjoy the warmth of the love, even as it remains unactionable. There is no temptation to breach it by acting on it. That would actually be counter-productive because, once you act on it, the love immediately begins to fade. It has to because it's based on character and integrity. If the character or integrity changes or weakens, inevitably, the love is affected.

For now, I am absolutely content recognizing that my heart is indeed a very active muscle, healthy and strong. It has not hardened or shriveled up into an almost non-existent raisin. I also love how well my heart communicates with my brain and my spirit now. A healthy heart stays in check as it realizes what's on or off-limits. Unhealthy hearts (and minds) can't do that.

I say "for now" I'm content because my heart knows that the one for me, the one I'm allowed to love without reserve, without barriers or boundaries, is coming. I'll need a healthy heart to be ready for him.

Most importantly, I'm excited and encouraged that my happy and healthy heart still has the ability to recognize and be engaged by greatness, and after doing so...it skips a beat, or beats faster.

Love is the best feeling in the world, unactionable or not. 

Constantly Thinking...

I Love You - That's Right, I Said It!

When you love someone, you have to let them know.

Whether it's your spouse or romantic interest, your child, your parent, your siblings or other family members, your friends, your employees, or your boss, if you truly love them, let them know.

People are gone from our lives in an instant. The regret you will feel from not sharing your heart will always outweigh and outlast the fear of rejection you may experience. Just say it!

I love deeply. It's a characteristic I'm most proud of, even though it's also my Achilles heel.

I'd rather die having loved deeply, with scars all over my heart, than live a life of always playing it safe and never loving or saying "I love you."

My obit will say:
Regardless of anything else she did - right or wrong - she sure knew how to love.

Constantly Thinking...and Loving

P.S. Just say it!

Make Me Laugh and I'll Love You Forever

Laughter creates the most memorable moments for me.

I know for some, pain creates more memories. With painful experiences, I typically confront them, assess them, process them, then move on from them.

Joyful and hilarious experiences, however, I allow to remain forever in my memories. The more I recall them, the funnier they get. They create an unbreakable bond between me and those who experienced them with me.

The hardest relationships for me to get over have been those where we had a lot of shared laughter. For those where laughter was rare, the healing was easier. This applies to both romantic relationships and friendships.

My Mom and Dad both had exceptional senses of humor. Laughter was a staple in our home. At night, I'd hear them cracking each other up downstairs in front of the television or in the privacy their bedroom. Their laughs were so contagious, I'd laugh just hearing them laugh, even though I had no idea what they were laughing about.

Laughter is life-giving. When you find someone you can laugh with, truly laugh...that relationship is worth holding onto for life.

That's what life is all about, I've decided. Love and laughter. Laughter and Love.

Constantly Thinking...

The Craziness of Chemistry

Not all chemistry needs to be acted upon.

Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn't mean you're romantically attracted to them. Sometimes you are.

Just because you're attracted to someone, doesn't mean you need to get romantically involved with them. Sometimes you do.

Chemistry is powerful, but chemistry can also be misleading.

Chemistry is an incredible force. You can have chemistry with someone that you're not romantically attracted to, but the chemistry can make you think you are.

Chemistry can be present with people of the same sex.

You can meet someone and the chemistry can be so strong and so immediate that you'll swear it's love at first sight! (And it may be...but it doesn't have to be.)

My theory about chemistry is that it's a force, like electricity. We experience chemistry when our paths are either destined to cross or when the intersection of our paths will lead to something powerful or life-changing.

For instance, let's say you meet someone you're supposed to professionally partner with five years down the road. Together, you will change the world (or at least your local community). When you meet, you automatically experience chemistry, although the time of your purpose is not yet upon you.

You feel the chemistry. Strongly. But you operate with restraint and discipline.

Years ago, I was introduced to someone's best friend. I was looking down at the floor when we we shook hands, because I'd stepped in something sticky. The touch of our hands, however, was like an electric jolt. My head snapped up. The chemistry was unexpected and mutual. We never acted on it because he had a girlfriend, and his best friend had an unrequited crush on me. Out of respect for both (and each other), we remained friends.

I've met many men and women since with whom I've experienced crazy chemistry. Most of the time the feeling was mutual, although there have been a few times when I've felt it before they have (or vice versa). Most of the time we've acted upon it almost immediately.

There have also been times when the chemistry, and subsequent attraction, has remained unspoken. Everything about the person (and our interactions) is electrifying. Our chemistry is almost tangible. It's like a bull fighting to get out of its pen. And yet, we wisely keep it subdued, at bay, unreleased, unspoken.

I have learned that not all chemistry needs to be acted upon. Chemistry that destroys existing relationships (like marriages or other committed relationships) is definitely not worth acting upon. Chemistry that ruins working relationships or friendships is rarely worth acting upon. Chemistry that defies logic or personal taste is questionable, as well. For instance, you might find yourself being attracted to a "bad boy" or a "promiscuous girl." It's probably best not to act on that.

It doesn't mean you don't feel it, though.

Constantly Thinking...about crazy chemistry

The Eyes of Affection

I have too often heard "She (or he) doesn't look at me with the same love and respect she used to." When you find yourself thinking or saying this, you may want to ask yourself what you've done that has been less than respectable.

It is hard to maintain a relationship with someone when they stop looking at you with love, admiration and respect. 

This dynamic is true of all relationships - friendships, professional relationships, and especially romantic relationships. It is almost impossible to sustain a relationship when respect has been damaged or destroyed, unless you repair and rebuild it. 

The truth is that people stop respecting us when we stop acting in a respectable manner. Living our lives in a respectable manner, therefore, can be the key to sustaining healthy, loving relationships.

That may sound simplistic, but it's not. Living in a respectable manner takes a conscious decision and is not always easy.

The question then is what constitutes respectable behavior? Does it mean perfection? Prudishness? Not having flaws or shortcomings? Of course not. People can and will forgive mistakes and shortcomings when they're admitted or acknowledged.

What dents the respect is the unacknowledged, unrepentant and/or repeated selfish behavior that causes hurt or pain to others.

Respectable behavior does the opposite of that. The true mark of respectable character is not perfection, but someone who acknowledges, apologizes, repents, and then does not repeat the wrongdoing. Furthermore, when someone of respectable character makes a mistake or allows selfishness to get the best of them, it is usually short-lived. They can’t live there. Their character won’t allow them to stay in that place.

When a loved one (friend or colleague) can no longer see you through eyes of affection, it is often the beginning of the end. Disdain and disrespect are caused by repeated and/or unacknowledged selfishness.

You can rebuild or restore the trust and respect, however, if you humble yourself, acknowledge your mistakes and, most importantly, show you’re truly repentant by not doing it again.

Constantly Thinking…

“I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have hurt people I love because of my thoughtlessness. I have hurt innocent people because of my selfishness. To those I hurt I say this: I know I can’t repair all of the damage I’ve done. I can only vow to do better; to act in a more respectable manner. My words and my actions going forward will reflect my choice to be a better person. I hope you will give me a second chance; a chance to show you that I have changed. I have recognized the error of my ways. I am not who I was before.”