The Eeyore Syndrome

So many people today are suffering from a victim mentality, and they’re absolutely miserable. Life seems to happen TO them not because of them. I believe many people with a victim mentality are also pessimists. It would be one thing to be a person who believed life happened to you, and fantastic luck and great opportunities always fell into your lap. But most victim mentality people expect and, consequently, find themselves in all sorts of unfortunate events and circumstances. Like Eeyore.

Let me stop a moment and say, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do have heightened observation skills based on my work.

From observation (and from study), I know that people with a victim mentality are usually the way they are because they were not properly validated or affirmed as children. Many times they were abandoned, abused or neglected by their parents or caregivers. Many times they were actually victimized as children.

My heart goes out to them. I understand how they feel because I could have been one of them. For a brief time, I was one of them. I was victimized. I, however, was fortunate enough to have an amazingly wise mentor who taught me that everything I was and everything I was to become was a choice. She repeated it until I got it. It’s a choice. It’s not the circumstances. It’s my choice on how I respond to those circumstances. It took years of her telling me again and again until I believed it (fortunately, they were childhood years).

So, yes, my empathy for those who are stuck in the victim mentality is real. But to them I say the same thing I was told: “It’s a choice.”

I have noticed several common traits in people who have a victim mentality.

Nothing is ever their fault.

Something or someone always causes them to be in the situation they’re in.

They can’t apologize.

Why would you apologize if you never feel you’re to blame? When a rare apology is offered, it’s either way lame (“I’m sorry for the way you feel”) or way overboard (“I must truly be a horrible person…”).

They can’t accept compliments.

You would think that since they lacked validation, they’d love getting compliments – and a part of them does. The issue is that they don’t actually believe them. Remember, they never received validation (or enough of it) so it’s foreign to them. When they receive it, it’s unfamiliar so they reject it.

They truly believe they can’t help it.

“I couldn’t help it” is a frequent phrase uttered by those with a victim mentality. They can’t help their temper. They can’t help saying the first thing that pops into their head. They can’t help that they’re so sensitive (to themselves) or insensitive (to others). They can’t help pushing people away.

They frequently ask others for advice, but for the wrong reasons.

They ask for advice not necessarily because they intend to take it, but because they want validation from someone else for the decisions they’ve already made. That way if things don’t work out, they can say someone else suggested it, or at least agreed with them.

They have frequent mood swings (in other words, they’re moody).

They’re up, they’re down, they’re happy, they’re sad – all within in a 30-minute period. When something seems to go their way, they’re thrilled. When something goes awry, it’s personal.

They often feel alone in their world.
People with a victim mentality believe that no one ever helps them, and they'll tell you this each and every time you help them. Many of them believe they have no friends, and they'll say to their actual friends, unknowingly hurting their feelings in the process. They believe that no one wants to be around them, and will feel alone even in group gatherings that they've been lovingly and eagerly asked to attend. Remember, it's a mentality, not a reality.

They remember events by negative triggers, shortcomings and offenses.
"That was the event where no one spoke to me for the first 10 minutes." "That was the day that man at the grocery store looked at me strangely." "That was the event where I looked really stupid in my orange hat, but no one told me."

They’re easily offended.

Words or actions that don’t offend others, offend them. They frequently perceive that people are giving them strange looks, or overlooking them. They’re constantly assessing situations for a possible offense, and frequently feel picked on and judged. Because they’ve been victimized in the past (without healing), they’re always expecting to be victimized again.

They believe life is against them.

They believe that circumstances are designed to make life harder for them. They don’t make the connection that where they are in life is a result of their own choices. They don’t even consciously realize they’re constantly making choices.

Dealing with people who have a victim mentality can be like trying to walk on eggshells without breaking them. It’s frequently a no win situation. If you give them too much attention or information, they think you’re being patronizing or condescending or putting them under a microscope. If you give them too little, they think you’re ignoring or withholding something from them.

I’ve found that the best way for me to deal with people who have a victim mentality is first to be patient with them.  I’ve walked in their shoes, so this is not difficult for me.

Be honest with them, but not cruel. Don’t sugarcoat or forgo things that need to be said, just choose your wording wisely.

If they truly have good qualities (and they likely have many – otherwise, why bother?), enjoy those and let them know that you do.

Don’t abandon them when they push you away (and they will).

Don’t absorb their issues, including not being moved by their moodiness. It’s not personal.

Don’t try to fix them. Too much advice giving and you become their scapegoat.

Don’t join them on their victim bandwagon. When they start lamenting that the world (their boss, their friends, their parents, their kids, their spouse) is against them, don’t agree.

Keep a good sense of humor handy. Laughter and a positive perspective frequently help lift their mood.

If you’re an optimist, as I am, allow your life to be an example to them. The way you handle challenges and disappointments will be noticed.

Finally, pray for them – that their eyes would be opened to who they really are. As long as they’re still breathing, there’s still hope.

Marital Mess Landmines

Stay out of people’s marital mess.

You don’t know what issues a couple is truly facing. It may not be a communication issue or a “putting the toilet seat down” situation. It may be that one or both of them are living double lives. It may be that one of them is engaging in serious criminal activity that has just been discovered by their spouse.

It may be that one of the spouses is being physically abused by the other. It may be that the husband or wife has molested one of the children. It may even be a breach so horrific that you can’t even wrap your natural mind around it. Think of spouses who learn they’ve been married to a serial killer who’s buried the bodies in their own backyard. Or they just discovered there’s someone chained up in the secret room in the basement that has been “off limits.”

Is it possible for even a marriage like that to be saved? Um… Well... Knowing the God I serve, I’d have to say “it’s possible.” However, sometimes a person may find they married the devil incarnate, or a secret devil worshiper unwilling to give up their beliefs. God can only work with willing hearts. If we harden our hearts to him (and each other), He will not violate our free will.

So to my fellow Christians, especially, I say this…

Just because you know the Word doesn’t mean you know enough about everyone’s personal situation – and God’s will for them – to insert yourself by telling them God doesn’t desire that they get divorced. Many times, rather than encouragement, all you’re adding is confusion and judgment.

Yes, the Bible says God hates divorce. But it also says, “What GOD has put together let no man put asunder.” Some of these unions, God has not put together. Some of these unions need to be torn apart before someone dies – if not physically, then emotionally or spiritually.

Believers, the best thing you can say to a couple having marital issues is that you’ll pray for them, and pray that God’s will be done.

Unless you’ve been professionally or spiritually asked and anointed to intervene (not interfere) in someone’s marital issues, stay out of them.

My Facebook Kingdom

Facebook is like creating your own community (neighborhood, high school, college) of people you like and enjoy – regardless of where they live on the planet.

My FB community is a monarchy, not a democracy. In fact, it’s more than a community – it’s a Kingdom, my own personal Facebook Kingdom! I am the Queen, Her Royal Highness, of my FB Kingdom. I’m the only one who makes the rules on my page and with my friends. I can choose not to allow someone into my FB Kingdom. Complete strangers are almost always declined.

My Facebook friends are family members, friends, co-workers (current and past, and possibly future), church members, and friends of friends (and family members) who I find interesting or enjoyable enough to invite into my personal FB community.

Like other Royal Leaders, I set the tone of my FB Kingdom – positive or negative, light-hearted and humorous or cynical and cutting.  My Kingdom tone tends to lean toward positive, light-hearted, humorous, deep, random and informative.

Here’s the most incredible thing: All of my FB citizens are also Royal Leaders (Kings and Queens) of their own FB Kingdoms! It’s truly amazing!

In all honesty, I rarely visit other FB Kingdoms, but when I do, I can tell how their King or Queen rules by the posts they make or allow. Since it’s not for me to judge someone else’s Kingdom, I usually just stay on my side of the moat, unless their King or Queen and I are kindred spirits or Allies, as it were.

Personal visits are not actually required. My FB Royal Newsfeed allows me to learn what others are doing in their Kingdoms. I will admit I most enjoy the funny postings from the Court Jesters. They bring me personal joy! I frequently share these with my FB Kingdom Citizens.

Many Royal Leaders feel that the more people “friends” they have in their FB Kingdom, the more their value increases. I beg to differ. I have no desire to allow random strangers or barely known associates into my FB Kingdom. I am proud to have a strong Kingdom made up of widely varied members who all have value to me. Conservatives and liberals, military and civilian, young and mature, married and single, male and female, from CEOs to entry level, from highly intelligent to…still seeking knowledge – all make up my very valued Kingdom citizens.

In my Kingdom, it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality.

In my FB Kingdom, if I find I don’t actually like someone, or if they’re suddenly being rude or obnoxious, I can exile them. Unfortunately, I have had to “unfriend” and even “block” citizens who are causing unnecessary disturbance or offense to my FB Kingdom or its citizens.

Sometimes, I put the offensive ones on a temporary timeout “Restricted” status because I don’t want to fully exile them. They still have value to my FB Kingdom, but until they calm down and act like a good citizen, I can’t have them offending me or others in my FB Kingdom. Sometimes, quite unexpectedly, FB randomly restricts someone for me. (My sister and I have found this to be the case, at which time a Royal re-boot is necessary.)

Like an actual Kingdom, very few of my FB members actually have the opportunity to interact with Her Royal Highness personally. Less than a third of my community members have my phone number or even my email address.

For security reasons (and to avoid offense), I have even changed my FB Kingdom settings to allow my Royal online visits to be private. Only my small inner circle (Roundtable) can see when I’m online.

Here’s where my Kingdom, and Royal Leadership Style, differs from many others: I don’t require nor expect my FB Kingdom citizens to “Like” all of my posts or decrees. I don’t take it personally when they don’t. I don’t require nor expect my FB Kingdom citizens to comment or post on my page for holidays, my birthday or even when I decree great news in my Kingdom. It’s appreciated, of course, but it doesn’t determine whether or not they’re loyal, friendly, loving citizens. Their “likes” don’t determine the quality of my Royal Decrees (posts). My Royal worth is also not determined by how many FB Kingdom citizens (friends) I have.

Yes, I enjoy Facebook and all its many Kingdoms, but it’s virtual. It’s not real life. It’s not real relationship. It’s just a tool to connect from afar. It’s an opportunity to frame or create a personal community of people we love, like, and admire. It’s a way to touch large groups of people at once, a way to play games with people living thousands of miles away.

It’s not designed and shouldn’t be used to determine our worth, replace real connections (face-to-face or voice-to-voice time), or confirm that we’re loved.

My Fellow FB Citizens, Kings and Queens – don’t lose your perspective. Enjoy your virtual FB Kingdoms and make the most of them. Don’t let them rule you.

Constantly Thinking….

POST BLOG NOTE:

In my real-world Kingdom, the rules are mostly the same. I am the ruler of my heart and mind, guided by my Holy King. I am both Queen and citizen. I determine who I will let into my inner circle (my close friends). It’s the quality, not the quantity that matters – although I do tend to make friends quite easily. I interact with many other kingdoms, kings and queens – great and small, good and bad. However, I set the tone of my house. My perspective is determined by me, not by circumstances or other people’s kingdoms.

I LOVE YOU BACK, MORE, ALSO, TOO!

The following events are based on a true story. Several true stories, in fact…

***

They’ve been dating for a while now. Their feelings have grown. They’re spending all of their free time together. He’s been working up his nerve to say those three words that every woman in love desires to hear. As he hugs her goodbye, it finally spills out...

 “I love you,” he whispers into her ear.

Overjoyed, she whispers back, “I love you, too.”

He pulls back as if struck.

“You love me… ‘too’?” He seems shocked.

“Well, yes. I do love you, too,” she replies with confusion.

“You love me… ‘too’?!” He seems angry.

“Yes…? Is it not okay that I love you, too?” Did she do something wrong, she wonders.

“You love me… ‘too.’ Okay.” He seems hurt.

“Darling, what is it? What did I say?” She’s genuinely concerned.

His brow furrows. “I hate it when people say, ‘I love you TOO.’ It makes me feel like they’re only saying it because I said it. It doesn’t feel genuine.”

Now she’s confused. “Just because I said ‘too’ doesn’t mean it’s not how I feel. Yes, I said it in response to you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t feel ‘obligated’ to say, ‘I love you, too’ just because you said it.”

“I just wish you’d say something else, something more genuine.” He’s sort of cute when he pouts. Sort of.

“What would you prefer I say?” she asks.

He thinks a moment and says, “How about ‘I love you more’? or ‘I love you back’ or just ‘I love YOU.’”

She’s really trying to understand. “That would make it feel more genuine to you?”

“Yes. I think so. I mean, it doesn’t have to be that. Just something else. Something other than ‘too.’”

She smiles sweetly. “Okay. I think I understand. Let’s try it again.”

He really loves this woman. He embraces her again, kisses her gently and says, “I love you.”

She kisses him back and says sweetly, “Thank you. I really like you a lot.”

***

Yes, that’s right! There is a new phenomenon of over-sensitivity sweeping through our country – and perhaps even beyond our borders. It’s affecting couples and individuals all over the planet!

People aren’t shocked. They’re not angry. They’re not hurt. They’re…over-sensitive about the word “too.”

So, the next time you hear someone say, “I like potato chips,” remember – you can’t just say, “I like potato chips, too.” Because then it will seem like you only like potato chips because they do. You have to say “I like potato chips more.”

The alternate ending was provided and names were omitted to protect the over-sensitive.

The Ratchet Twerking Culture

“All Black men cheat, have no job, have multiple babies by multiple baby mamas, and are criminals. All Black women are single baby mama ho’s who love to go out twerkin’, and are only attracted to bad boy criminals.” That’s what society and even our own ethnic culture would have us believe. They’re just keeping it real, right? What’s the problem?

The first problem is – it’s not true for all of us. Secondly, for those who believe it and walk in it, even if they are the majority – they don’t represent MY culture. I’m out!

I recently watched a Christian program with young black men on a panel. I was disgusted and disillusioned by their words and their mindset about women – not just because they were “Christians” but because they were black men. The audience just applauded and nodded as they called women B’s and Ho’s. Males AND females nodded and applauded, and the pastor leading the show said nothing to rebut the men. Comments were made that they were just “keeping it real.” It occurred to me how many people I knew would watch or hear what they were saying and just agree. “At least they’re being honest.” It made me sick to my stomach and, frankly, I got angry! Livid, in fact.

It made realize – and say out loud – MY future husband is NOT coming from this culture, because my husband would never think or say the things those men just said about women. The culture that my future husband is part of would not find that acceptable. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually cultures who would not allow their men to get up on national television and speak disrespectfully about their women.

And for the record, to the people – men and women – who think that’s what “keeping it real” means, I’m not affiliated with you either.

I don’t just blame the men. I blame the women who have accepted being called Ho’s and B’s - in music and to their faces and by their girlfriends. I blame the women who have presented themselves as a sex object only – through their attire, their video appearances, their promiscuity, their “ratchet twerking.” My sister/girlfriend put it best, “When I was growing up, only unattractive girls had to put it out there like that on the dance floor (i.e. ratchet twerking).” Now that’s the norm. Music videos are filled with beautiful women dancing like a…like nothing but a sex object.

My sister/girlfriend went on to say that if young women decided that men who chose to be felons, drug dealers and gangbangers were off the date-able list, crime would drop to an all-time low. If men knew that once they went to prison for some craziness, they’d never have another woman again, you’d never see another man (worth having) in jail! The prison business would dry up. If women stopped being attracted to the bad boys, and decided that intelligence, respect and integrity was most attractive, more men would pick up a book or go to college, and treat women with respect. We set the tone, “ladies,” even men admit that. If we put it out there, they’ll take it!

But after presenting ourselves as anything BUT a wife, we want men to respect us, and marry us, and be a good provider. We want the Bad Boy to now become a Good Man. It doesn’t work that way.

I am not and have never been part of the culture that wants to be called a B or Ho. I’m not and will never be part of the ratchet twerking culture. I have never been part of the culture that thinks it’s cool to date a man in prison. (What the what??) Bad boys are just that to me – Bad and Boys. I'm attracted to Men.

Intelligent, confident men with integrity – regardless of their ethnicity – are who does it for me. If that means I date outside my race, so be it. I’ve never had a problem with that. I’ve decided that my “culture” is no longer just my ethnicity. The culture I identify with is defined by what’s on the inside. The culture that thinks calling women out of their name is okay, that treats and condones promiscuity and infidelity like it’s the accepted norm – I’ve turned in my membership card to that culture (if I ever had one). Tear a stripe of my arm if you want to. I’m happy not to be part of your “Keeping It Real, Ratchet Twerking” Club.

And, just “keeping it real” – it’s not just because I’m a “holier than thou” Christian. I wasn’t a ratchet twerker, bad boy dater before I got saved. I’ve always had more respect for myself than that! With very few exceptions, I’ve dated amazing, intelligent, respectable men, by anyone’s standards.

Fortunately, I’m hearing from more and more people – men and women, young and mature, from all ethnicities – who are fed up with the twerking, the criminals, the promiscuity, the infidelity, the low standards, the lack of respect, and the negative cultural stereotypes that seem to be both societal and ethnic. A new culture is evolving, and I’m happy to be part of it.

I was so encouraged by reading a young, attractive, intelligent, Black man’s Facebook post yesterday. It lets me know that a much-needed culture shift is, indeed, occurring.

I hope he’s sitting up on the panel the next time I turn on my television. He gives me hope.