Someone asked me recently how you can know whether or not he's the one for you.
My advice to her was don't consider marrying anyone who doesn't truly "see" you. She didn't know what I meant.
If you've never experienced it, you wouldn't know. You'd have no idea that you were missing it.
What does it mean to see someone? What does it feel like to truly be seen by someone (and see them back)?
When someone "sees" you, they truly know your character. You never have to explain or justify yourself. They see and judge your actions by your heart, not by the outcome. They give you the benefit of the doubt because they know exactly what you intended. They trust you. They see you as your potential - they can actually see you at your very best - even when you haven't arrived there.
Some people have the gift of discernment. They can see a lot of people - the good, the bad and the ugly. But they rarely get seen back.
Most people are so concerned about projecting an image or a facade that they don't really want to be seen. People who project a facade can't usually see others. They mistakenly assume that everyone is projecting a facade. They can't trust what they see because they can't be trusted with what they project.
Unfortunately, many people fall into this category. They present their representatives. They don't want others to know their flaws or shortcomings. They'd rather present themselves as perfect and hope that no one can really see them and their baggage.
Some people can't see themselves. They have no clue that they're carrying around a storage room full of luggage. Or they haven't decided who they're going to be. They're like shifting sand. No one can see them because they're ever changing. Their character is still undeveloped. They throw personality traits at the wall to see what sticks. I would say those people don't really want to be seen either. They haven't committed to themselves so they certainly can't commit to another.
To know you're being seen, you first have to know who you are.
Being seen is the most amazing feeling in the universe. To have someone truly know you, get you, understand you, trust you, support you, uplift you, like you, love you, because they see YOU is an incomparable feeling. Being seen is most similar to experiencing agape love - unconditional, without reserve, intense and never-ending love.
If you are already married and she or he doesn't see you, maybe you don't see them either. Try to see them first. Then try to get them to see you. It will make your marriage stronger. If you see them but they don't see you, pray that their eyes will open - especially if you know God has blessed you with this person. He wants us to have his best. His word speaks about the blind leading the blind. (They both fall into a pit!)
If you're not already married, wait for it. If you do, your relationship will be rare, lifelong, legendary, the gold standard, the God standard.
Are you brave enough, open enough to be seen? Are you trusting enough, observant enough, loving enough to see them?
Are you patient enough to wait for it?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
People Are Watching
You never know when people are watching. You never know when you're influencing a life.
I have a good friend who swears she's an introvert who doesn't like people. I have never met someone who naturally commands the attention in a room more than she does even when she's just sitting quietly. She's a natural leader, fascinating to watch and listen to, brilliant, funny, gorgeous, talented (sings like CeCe Winans!). Men and women constantly gravitate to her - they just want to be in her presence. When she walks into a room all eyes are riveted - men drop whatever they're doing to come to her side just in case she may need some help; women subconsciously try to imitate her poise or her walk or her voice. She's just got it - naturally. And yet, she swears she's an introvert. I've told her she's an extrovert inside an introvert's shell that she created as a defense mechanism. (She's thinking it over.)
People see her and she influences them, even when she's not aware of it.
Although I'm very outgoing now, I was extremely shy from elementary through high school. I had just a few close friends, and barely spoke to anyone. I was also quite introspective - trying to figure out who I was going to become.
I started to come out of my shyness in between 10th and 11th grades, but it was a slow process. I was still quite shy when I got to college. Layer by layer, however, I came out of my shell. Now when I tell people I used to be shy they don't even believe me.
I think of my pre-college years as my invisible years. But that's not actually true. People could still see me.
Over the years, especially since I've been on FB, I've had several high school friends find me - some that I remember, some that I don't. I'm always so surprised. Other than a few people, I didn't think anyone knew me back then, especially since I barely knew myself.
But, apparently, not only did they know me, I actually influenced their lives.
One woman who found me after I appeared in a feature story in Ebony magazine, told me that she's never forgotten my words of "wisdom." I, apparently, said I would never marry a man without first living with him. She said she really took those words to heart and made relationship decisions based on that.
I don't recall ever feeling that adamantly about living with a man before marriage. And I certainly don't feel that way now! Of course, back in high school I wasn't a Christian. I might have said anything. But, good grief, I was 16 years old! "Words of wisdom"??!! What did I know?
I had another woman recently write and tell me that all through our time in high school together she would speak to me and I'd never speak back and it really hurt her. She said she'd just recently gotten over it. (That was almost 30 years ago.) I certainly didn't mean to hurt her. I would never have intentionally ignored anyone. I either was so shy that I didn't recognize she was speaking to me, or I was so introspective that I didn't notice. Either way, I apologized - although I didn't remember the circumstances (or the woman, actually).
The bottom line is that no matter how shy I was or introspective I was, people still noticed me. No matter how much I thought I was invisible - I wasn't. People were and are always watching.
People saw me. They valued my words (or lack of them). I had value - even when I didn't know myself.
Which made me realize...
Our value, our influence, is not based on whether or not we recognize it in ourselves.
Does that knowledge change who you are or what you do (especially in public)?
I have a good friend who swears she's an introvert who doesn't like people. I have never met someone who naturally commands the attention in a room more than she does even when she's just sitting quietly. She's a natural leader, fascinating to watch and listen to, brilliant, funny, gorgeous, talented (sings like CeCe Winans!). Men and women constantly gravitate to her - they just want to be in her presence. When she walks into a room all eyes are riveted - men drop whatever they're doing to come to her side just in case she may need some help; women subconsciously try to imitate her poise or her walk or her voice. She's just got it - naturally. And yet, she swears she's an introvert. I've told her she's an extrovert inside an introvert's shell that she created as a defense mechanism. (She's thinking it over.)
People see her and she influences them, even when she's not aware of it.
Although I'm very outgoing now, I was extremely shy from elementary through high school. I had just a few close friends, and barely spoke to anyone. I was also quite introspective - trying to figure out who I was going to become.
I started to come out of my shyness in between 10th and 11th grades, but it was a slow process. I was still quite shy when I got to college. Layer by layer, however, I came out of my shell. Now when I tell people I used to be shy they don't even believe me.
I think of my pre-college years as my invisible years. But that's not actually true. People could still see me.
Over the years, especially since I've been on FB, I've had several high school friends find me - some that I remember, some that I don't. I'm always so surprised. Other than a few people, I didn't think anyone knew me back then, especially since I barely knew myself.
But, apparently, not only did they know me, I actually influenced their lives.
One woman who found me after I appeared in a feature story in Ebony magazine, told me that she's never forgotten my words of "wisdom." I, apparently, said I would never marry a man without first living with him. She said she really took those words to heart and made relationship decisions based on that.
I don't recall ever feeling that adamantly about living with a man before marriage. And I certainly don't feel that way now! Of course, back in high school I wasn't a Christian. I might have said anything. But, good grief, I was 16 years old! "Words of wisdom"??!! What did I know?
I had another woman recently write and tell me that all through our time in high school together she would speak to me and I'd never speak back and it really hurt her. She said she'd just recently gotten over it. (That was almost 30 years ago.) I certainly didn't mean to hurt her. I would never have intentionally ignored anyone. I either was so shy that I didn't recognize she was speaking to me, or I was so introspective that I didn't notice. Either way, I apologized - although I didn't remember the circumstances (or the woman, actually).
The bottom line is that no matter how shy I was or introspective I was, people still noticed me. No matter how much I thought I was invisible - I wasn't. People were and are always watching.
People saw me. They valued my words (or lack of them). I had value - even when I didn't know myself.
Which made me realize...
Our value, our influence, is not based on whether or not we recognize it in ourselves.
Does that knowledge change who you are or what you do (especially in public)?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Creating Your Own Dirt
One of my favorite jokes is the one where the scientist tells God, "We are now as smart and powerful as you are. We have figured out how to create life out of dirt, just as you did. We'd like to challenge you to a 'creation' duel. If we can create a man out of dirt and give him life like you did, then we will be as powerful as you and you'll have to consider us gods equal to yourself."
God says, "Okay. Let's have a creation duel. You go first."
The man bends down, picks up a handful of dirt, but God stops him saying, "Wait. Hold on a second. First you have to create your own dirt."
Such a brilliant concept. We think so highly of ourselves. We think we're all that. We're equal to God. We can "create" or "invent" medicine; "discover" electricity; create life in a test-tube. But we, as "created" man, are using items that He created to discover, invent or create things.
Actually, I don't really have a problem with "discovery." That's probably the most accurate way to describe it. We "discover" what He put here for us to find. We discover serums or cures from plants and animals that He created for our healing.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about medicine. Medicine is considered a science. Many (fortunately not all) medical professionals are unbelievers who think of themselves as gods.
Here's what's interesting: the "medicine" they create is a combination of the right plants, fruits, extracts, etc put in pill or liquid form to heal us. Doctors are using what God created for our healing - to heal us - and making a profit off of it.
We completely forget that ALL medicine is just refined plants, fruits and veggies. The doctors haven't "created" anything. They've just figured out which and how much to give us.
I actually love and respect doctors and scientists. But when they lose sight of who created the plants, veggies and fruits they use to perfect their craft, and think they're doing it on their own, I have a problem with that. It's the dirt theory all over again.
When the pharmaceutical companies make an unfair and grossly inflated profit off of us by selling us fruit, plants and veggies in pill form, I really don't like that. They're just benefiting from our lack of knowledge. We should all know which plants, fruits and veggies heal our ailments. Those old school remedies have a lot of merit.
There's a fantastic book called "Back to Eden" that gives a lot of natural remedies for things that ail us. We could start easily by looking up the medicines we take frequently, like let's say, Tylenol. What are the ingredients? What plants, fruit and veggies were used to create it? What if we just ate those?
Did you know that penicillin was originally discovered and produced from a moldy cantaloupe. Tobacco can be used as a pesticide. Opium, which comes from poppies, is used to create morphine. Of course, people pervert it to create heroin. But God created it to heal us, to give us anesthesia or pain relievers.
People used to live for hundreds of years. They understood how to stay healthy. They knew what to eat and drink. They knew which plants, fruit and vegetables would keep heal their ailments. They also knew that perverting plants, fruit and veggies for their personal pleasure - or just to get a high - would ultimately lead to their demise.
What do WE know? What are we willing to find out? Or are we content to be ignorant? Are we content to just let somebody else figure it out for us - charge us an arm and a leg - only to find out 1) we're allergic to the medicine (i.e. the fruit, plants and veggies it contains); 2) it doesn't work on us (because the docs didn't do their homework or did it wrong); or 3) we're now addicted to the meds - the fruits, plants and veggies created to heal us were, perhaps, perverted into an addictive substance.
It's interesting that doctors, as well as patients, look down their noses at "homeopathic" medicine specialists. But aren't all doctors using the same products to heal us? We just scoff because the homeopathic doctor says "eat some kale" and we wanted the "specialist" to just give us a magic pill (that contains kale but costs $100 for 20 pills).
Doctors are important. They study and specialize in (or should) determining which and how much of the plants, veggies and fruits will cure our ailments. It's not something we "can't" do. It's something we choose to let someone else do for us - but we should still have some basic knowledge.
It's like being a firefighter. There are people who specialize in that. But we should know some basics - like not to try to put out a grease fire with water.
Are doctors the miracle medicine men and women in your life? Or do you have a basic understanding of which God-created fruit, veggies and plants will help you feel better and keep you healthy?
Constantly Thinking
God says, "Okay. Let's have a creation duel. You go first."
The man bends down, picks up a handful of dirt, but God stops him saying, "Wait. Hold on a second. First you have to create your own dirt."
Such a brilliant concept. We think so highly of ourselves. We think we're all that. We're equal to God. We can "create" or "invent" medicine; "discover" electricity; create life in a test-tube. But we, as "created" man, are using items that He created to discover, invent or create things.
Actually, I don't really have a problem with "discovery." That's probably the most accurate way to describe it. We "discover" what He put here for us to find. We discover serums or cures from plants and animals that He created for our healing.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about medicine. Medicine is considered a science. Many (fortunately not all) medical professionals are unbelievers who think of themselves as gods.
Here's what's interesting: the "medicine" they create is a combination of the right plants, fruits, extracts, etc put in pill or liquid form to heal us. Doctors are using what God created for our healing - to heal us - and making a profit off of it.
We completely forget that ALL medicine is just refined plants, fruits and veggies. The doctors haven't "created" anything. They've just figured out which and how much to give us.
I actually love and respect doctors and scientists. But when they lose sight of who created the plants, veggies and fruits they use to perfect their craft, and think they're doing it on their own, I have a problem with that. It's the dirt theory all over again.
When the pharmaceutical companies make an unfair and grossly inflated profit off of us by selling us fruit, plants and veggies in pill form, I really don't like that. They're just benefiting from our lack of knowledge. We should all know which plants, fruits and veggies heal our ailments. Those old school remedies have a lot of merit.
There's a fantastic book called "Back to Eden" that gives a lot of natural remedies for things that ail us. We could start easily by looking up the medicines we take frequently, like let's say, Tylenol. What are the ingredients? What plants, fruit and veggies were used to create it? What if we just ate those?
Did you know that penicillin was originally discovered and produced from a moldy cantaloupe. Tobacco can be used as a pesticide. Opium, which comes from poppies, is used to create morphine. Of course, people pervert it to create heroin. But God created it to heal us, to give us anesthesia or pain relievers.
People used to live for hundreds of years. They understood how to stay healthy. They knew what to eat and drink. They knew which plants, fruit and vegetables would keep heal their ailments. They also knew that perverting plants, fruit and veggies for their personal pleasure - or just to get a high - would ultimately lead to their demise.
What do WE know? What are we willing to find out? Or are we content to be ignorant? Are we content to just let somebody else figure it out for us - charge us an arm and a leg - only to find out 1) we're allergic to the medicine (i.e. the fruit, plants and veggies it contains); 2) it doesn't work on us (because the docs didn't do their homework or did it wrong); or 3) we're now addicted to the meds - the fruits, plants and veggies created to heal us were, perhaps, perverted into an addictive substance.
It's interesting that doctors, as well as patients, look down their noses at "homeopathic" medicine specialists. But aren't all doctors using the same products to heal us? We just scoff because the homeopathic doctor says "eat some kale" and we wanted the "specialist" to just give us a magic pill (that contains kale but costs $100 for 20 pills).
Doctors are important. They study and specialize in (or should) determining which and how much of the plants, veggies and fruits will cure our ailments. It's not something we "can't" do. It's something we choose to let someone else do for us - but we should still have some basic knowledge.
It's like being a firefighter. There are people who specialize in that. But we should know some basics - like not to try to put out a grease fire with water.
Are doctors the miracle medicine men and women in your life? Or do you have a basic understanding of which God-created fruit, veggies and plants will help you feel better and keep you healthy?
Constantly Thinking
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A Lifelong Influence
Isn't it funny how the only teachers you remember are those who were really, really good or those who were really, really bad? Good doesn't just mean what they taught you. I learned (and retained) a lot of new information in college and can't remember a single professor's name.
Good refers to the impact they had on your life. They validated you in some way. Or boosted your self-esteem.
You know, most of the teachers we remember were probably only 20 years older than us (at most). They're most likely still alive. In this age of technology, we could probably find them and thank them for influencing our lives in a positive way.
I've done that before. Not with teachers (yet), but with other people. I reconnected with the man who was ultimately responsible for leading me to the Lord. He ended up coming to my wedding. I've reconnected with old friends who changed my life in some way - and let them know.
This year, I will try to make a point to find and/or acknowledge those people who have influenced my life for the better (especially teachers - who aren't rewarded in proportion to what they do). I will share with them my recollection of events and how their words or actions changed my life. (So, friends, you may be hearing from me!)
For those of you who feel inclined to contact the teachers or people who negatively impacted your lives, let me dissuade you by sharing something that happened to someone close to me. She ran into a childhood bully years later in a store. The woman was sick, possibly terminally ill - and looked it. She shared that the ugliness and bullying she'd participated in during her childhood had eaten her alive and was likely the cause of her illness. She asked for forgiveness, but couldn't really receive it, even when it was given.
Trust that those who made your childhood a living hell are reaping what they sowed. If they truly desire your forgiveness, they'll find you. If they've lived their lives without regret, contacting them will only hurt your feelings and make you feel or say something that reduces you to their level. It's not worth it.
But also know that many times - unless it was intentional bullying - people don't realize the negative impact they've had on others. Some of it is (or was) just our own insecurity. I once let a "friend" know how she'd treated me like a doormat during the years of our friendship - using my shyness and insecurity to boost her own self-esteem. She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. That's because my perception was based on my own insecurity at the time.When I realized that, I was able to let it go.
Recently, a girl from high school contacted me through FB. I don't remember her at all. She shared with me that I would never speak to her in high school and it would hurt her feelings. I was still very shy in high school - kind of kept to myself. She said she'd just recently gotten over it - but she really hadn't (even though it was more than 20 years later). I apologized but I don't know how heart-felt it seemed to her. I didn't remember her or the events she described - just like my friend didn't. Her perception was probably based on her own insecurity.
So, with regard to the negative stuff - get over it. Either the perpetrator is reaping what they sowed, or they don't remember it anyway - because perhaps it wasn't intentional. If you still need help getting over it, consider counseling (seriously). A Christian counselor can help you process it so that you can move on with your life. Holding onto the negative memories and experiences will negatively impact your health and relationships. It's a rotten, bitter root that needs to be dug up so you can heal and live a healthy life - emotionally, spiritually and physically.
But for the good stuff - the positive, life-changing events, words, and influences - share them. Share them with the people who gave them to you. Find them, call them, write them and let them know. Saying thank you will not only feel good for you, it may change their life!
So, here's to you - my favorite teachers!
**Mrs. Shelton - who made me do my first verbal presentation when I was still super-shy. She also taught the class how to correctly pronounce "synonym" before she went on maternity leave, just in case we got a doofus substitute who couldn't pronounce it correctly. (We did!)
**Mrs. McClaskey - who always made me feel valued, even when I pronounced "tutti frutti" just like it's spelled. (I'd never tasted nor heard of "tooty fruity" ice cream before.)
**Mrs. Smith - who never settled for mediocrity from me - even if my mediocre effort was better than most of the other students in the class. She made me do "my" personal best. That's stayed with me all my life.
**Mr. Giacomazza - the first teacher who taught me history in a way that I could understand and appreciate. He showed me that anything can be taught, it's just a matter of presentation.
**Mrs. Boden - my first acting teacher - she put me on the stage and contributed to my love of entertainment.
I thank you all for changing my life for the better!
To all my readers, I'd be interested in hearing about those people (perhaps even a stranger) who influenced your life for the better. Who were your favorite teachers and why?
Constantly Thinking
Good refers to the impact they had on your life. They validated you in some way. Or boosted your self-esteem.
You know, most of the teachers we remember were probably only 20 years older than us (at most). They're most likely still alive. In this age of technology, we could probably find them and thank them for influencing our lives in a positive way.
I've done that before. Not with teachers (yet), but with other people. I reconnected with the man who was ultimately responsible for leading me to the Lord. He ended up coming to my wedding. I've reconnected with old friends who changed my life in some way - and let them know.
This year, I will try to make a point to find and/or acknowledge those people who have influenced my life for the better (especially teachers - who aren't rewarded in proportion to what they do). I will share with them my recollection of events and how their words or actions changed my life. (So, friends, you may be hearing from me!)
For those of you who feel inclined to contact the teachers or people who negatively impacted your lives, let me dissuade you by sharing something that happened to someone close to me. She ran into a childhood bully years later in a store. The woman was sick, possibly terminally ill - and looked it. She shared that the ugliness and bullying she'd participated in during her childhood had eaten her alive and was likely the cause of her illness. She asked for forgiveness, but couldn't really receive it, even when it was given.
Trust that those who made your childhood a living hell are reaping what they sowed. If they truly desire your forgiveness, they'll find you. If they've lived their lives without regret, contacting them will only hurt your feelings and make you feel or say something that reduces you to their level. It's not worth it.
But also know that many times - unless it was intentional bullying - people don't realize the negative impact they've had on others. Some of it is (or was) just our own insecurity. I once let a "friend" know how she'd treated me like a doormat during the years of our friendship - using my shyness and insecurity to boost her own self-esteem. She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. That's because my perception was based on my own insecurity at the time.When I realized that, I was able to let it go.
Recently, a girl from high school contacted me through FB. I don't remember her at all. She shared with me that I would never speak to her in high school and it would hurt her feelings. I was still very shy in high school - kind of kept to myself. She said she'd just recently gotten over it - but she really hadn't (even though it was more than 20 years later). I apologized but I don't know how heart-felt it seemed to her. I didn't remember her or the events she described - just like my friend didn't. Her perception was probably based on her own insecurity.
So, with regard to the negative stuff - get over it. Either the perpetrator is reaping what they sowed, or they don't remember it anyway - because perhaps it wasn't intentional. If you still need help getting over it, consider counseling (seriously). A Christian counselor can help you process it so that you can move on with your life. Holding onto the negative memories and experiences will negatively impact your health and relationships. It's a rotten, bitter root that needs to be dug up so you can heal and live a healthy life - emotionally, spiritually and physically.
But for the good stuff - the positive, life-changing events, words, and influences - share them. Share them with the people who gave them to you. Find them, call them, write them and let them know. Saying thank you will not only feel good for you, it may change their life!
So, here's to you - my favorite teachers!
**Mrs. Shelton - who made me do my first verbal presentation when I was still super-shy. She also taught the class how to correctly pronounce "synonym" before she went on maternity leave, just in case we got a doofus substitute who couldn't pronounce it correctly. (We did!)
**Mrs. McClaskey - who always made me feel valued, even when I pronounced "tutti frutti" just like it's spelled. (I'd never tasted nor heard of "tooty fruity" ice cream before.)
**Mrs. Smith - who never settled for mediocrity from me - even if my mediocre effort was better than most of the other students in the class. She made me do "my" personal best. That's stayed with me all my life.
**Mr. Giacomazza - the first teacher who taught me history in a way that I could understand and appreciate. He showed me that anything can be taught, it's just a matter of presentation.
**Mrs. Boden - my first acting teacher - she put me on the stage and contributed to my love of entertainment.
I thank you all for changing my life for the better!
To all my readers, I'd be interested in hearing about those people (perhaps even a stranger) who influenced your life for the better. Who were your favorite teachers and why?
Constantly Thinking
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Disappointed, Angry or Understanding?
Scenario 1:
You're counting on your wife to have a special three-course dinner prepared for your boss and his wife who are coming over for dinner tonight. You get home 15 minutes before your boss is due to arrive, and your wife's not home. You call her cell, and she answers frantically, "I'm on my way, honey! I got caught in a meeting that ran long! I'm so sorry! I'll pick something delicious up on my way home!"
Are you disappointed? Angry? Or understanding?
Scenario 2:
Your husband is laid off, looking for work, but at home during the day. On your way to work in the morning, you drop your daughter off at school (since you're leaving the house anyway). On your way home, you pick your daughter up from afterschool care. When you get home, you'll help your daughter with her homework, make sure she takes a bath, and cook dinner for the family. The only thing you need is for your husband to take the chicken out of the freezer, so it will be thawed and ready for you to cook.
You get home to find your husband sitting on the couch watching television, still in his pajamas. You go to the kitchen to start preparing dinner, but there's nothing thawed and waiting for you. You ask your husband about the chicken. "Sorry. I forgot," he says, and goes back to watching TV.
Are you disappointed? Angry? Or understanding?
Scenario 3:
Your new man says he's planning a special date for the two of you on Friday night. It's Friday morning and he hasn't said anything. In fact, although you two have talked all week, he hasn't mentioned your special date again. You decide to "casually" mention something to him during your next phone chat: "Should I wear something special tonight?"
"For what?" he asks.
"Our special date..." you say with slightly agitated surprise.
"Our special...? Ohhhh. Right. Oh man. I meant to tell you that I have to work tonight. We won't be able to get together tonight after all, babe. I am so sorry. I love you. Please don't be mad at me. Okay?"
Disappointed, angry or understanding?
4th & Final Scenario:
You and one of your boys are supposed to go to the Lakers game for your birthday. He's buying. Two days before the game, he calls to cancel. Something's come up. You figure you'll just roll with it. Take a different friend. You ask him if he'll just give you the tickets to the game - as a birthday gift. "Sorry, man. I hadn't bought them yet. And they're not really in the budget right now. Things are tight."
Disappointed, angry or understanding?
****
Now, I'm sure most of us would, at the very least, be disappointed with any one of those scenarios. Some would disappointed to the point of angry. Some would even be angry to the point of ending the relationship with the loved one or friend. Or perhaps the situation would make you doubt their love or affection or sincerity of friendship.
Is that fair? Should our relationships be based on (or ended because of)circumstances or fulfilled/unfulfilled expectations? Shouldn't we give those we care about and who truly care about us the benefit of the doubt?
Are there some friends or loved ones that you ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt - no matter what the circumstances, no matter what it looks like or feels like? Or is there no one in your life who deserves a blanket benefit?
Let's look at those Scenarios again.
In Scenario 1 - The meeting your wife got called into was about the company being bought out. They're offering three senior executives - including her - a $1 million buyout. Still disappointed?
In Scenario 2 - Your husband went on four interviews that day. All four said he was overqualified. Feeling hopeless and devastated that he's unable to provide for his family, he decides to puncture his tire and drive his car off a cliff, making it look like an accident. He wants to make sure you and your daughter get the $250,000 insurance money and an obvious suicide wouldn't be acceptable. Tire punctured, he starts driving toward the edge of the cliff, when his cell phone rings. Your face pops up. He bursts into tears as he watches it ring. He loves you so much and doesn't want to leave you and your daughter. He'll keep trying. He pulls over, puts the spare tire on the car, turns around and goes home.
You may never know that, though. Can you still give him the benefit of the doubt?
In Scenario 3 - Your man really had forgotten. He's been working overtime to buy you an engagement ring, and that's all he can think about. You won't know that, though, for at least a month. Can you put your disappointment and anger aside - and just trust him - just give him the benefit of the doubt?
In Scenario 4 - Your boy got laid off from his job this week, the IRS took all the money out of his checking account for back taxes owed, he has an eviction notice on his apartment door, and his cell phone is about to be shut off. But he's too ashamed to tell you.
Still disappointed?
****
In a previous relationship, when I would feel insecure about my man's feelings for me - due to circumstances or unfulfilled expectations - he would tell me, "When I'm not with you, you have to KNOW that's where I want to be. You should never doubt my feelings for you and my desire to be with you." He was basically asking me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Such an important concept - one I teach on regularly. Not easy to live out, though.
Do you give your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, family and friends the benefit of the doubt? This year, can you try to do that more?
Life is so much more enjoyable when we don't react so negatively to disappointing circumstances and unfulfilled expectations.
You're counting on your wife to have a special three-course dinner prepared for your boss and his wife who are coming over for dinner tonight. You get home 15 minutes before your boss is due to arrive, and your wife's not home. You call her cell, and she answers frantically, "I'm on my way, honey! I got caught in a meeting that ran long! I'm so sorry! I'll pick something delicious up on my way home!"
Are you disappointed? Angry? Or understanding?
Scenario 2:
Your husband is laid off, looking for work, but at home during the day. On your way to work in the morning, you drop your daughter off at school (since you're leaving the house anyway). On your way home, you pick your daughter up from afterschool care. When you get home, you'll help your daughter with her homework, make sure she takes a bath, and cook dinner for the family. The only thing you need is for your husband to take the chicken out of the freezer, so it will be thawed and ready for you to cook.
You get home to find your husband sitting on the couch watching television, still in his pajamas. You go to the kitchen to start preparing dinner, but there's nothing thawed and waiting for you. You ask your husband about the chicken. "Sorry. I forgot," he says, and goes back to watching TV.
Are you disappointed? Angry? Or understanding?
Scenario 3:
Your new man says he's planning a special date for the two of you on Friday night. It's Friday morning and he hasn't said anything. In fact, although you two have talked all week, he hasn't mentioned your special date again. You decide to "casually" mention something to him during your next phone chat: "Should I wear something special tonight?"
"For what?" he asks.
"Our special date..." you say with slightly agitated surprise.
"Our special...? Ohhhh. Right. Oh man. I meant to tell you that I have to work tonight. We won't be able to get together tonight after all, babe. I am so sorry. I love you. Please don't be mad at me. Okay?"
Disappointed, angry or understanding?
4th & Final Scenario:
You and one of your boys are supposed to go to the Lakers game for your birthday. He's buying. Two days before the game, he calls to cancel. Something's come up. You figure you'll just roll with it. Take a different friend. You ask him if he'll just give you the tickets to the game - as a birthday gift. "Sorry, man. I hadn't bought them yet. And they're not really in the budget right now. Things are tight."
Disappointed, angry or understanding?
****
Now, I'm sure most of us would, at the very least, be disappointed with any one of those scenarios. Some would disappointed to the point of angry. Some would even be angry to the point of ending the relationship with the loved one or friend. Or perhaps the situation would make you doubt their love or affection or sincerity of friendship.
Is that fair? Should our relationships be based on (or ended because of)circumstances or fulfilled/unfulfilled expectations? Shouldn't we give those we care about and who truly care about us the benefit of the doubt?
Are there some friends or loved ones that you ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt - no matter what the circumstances, no matter what it looks like or feels like? Or is there no one in your life who deserves a blanket benefit?
Let's look at those Scenarios again.
In Scenario 1 - The meeting your wife got called into was about the company being bought out. They're offering three senior executives - including her - a $1 million buyout. Still disappointed?
In Scenario 2 - Your husband went on four interviews that day. All four said he was overqualified. Feeling hopeless and devastated that he's unable to provide for his family, he decides to puncture his tire and drive his car off a cliff, making it look like an accident. He wants to make sure you and your daughter get the $250,000 insurance money and an obvious suicide wouldn't be acceptable. Tire punctured, he starts driving toward the edge of the cliff, when his cell phone rings. Your face pops up. He bursts into tears as he watches it ring. He loves you so much and doesn't want to leave you and your daughter. He'll keep trying. He pulls over, puts the spare tire on the car, turns around and goes home.
You may never know that, though. Can you still give him the benefit of the doubt?
In Scenario 3 - Your man really had forgotten. He's been working overtime to buy you an engagement ring, and that's all he can think about. You won't know that, though, for at least a month. Can you put your disappointment and anger aside - and just trust him - just give him the benefit of the doubt?
In Scenario 4 - Your boy got laid off from his job this week, the IRS took all the money out of his checking account for back taxes owed, he has an eviction notice on his apartment door, and his cell phone is about to be shut off. But he's too ashamed to tell you.
Still disappointed?
****
In a previous relationship, when I would feel insecure about my man's feelings for me - due to circumstances or unfulfilled expectations - he would tell me, "When I'm not with you, you have to KNOW that's where I want to be. You should never doubt my feelings for you and my desire to be with you." He was basically asking me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Such an important concept - one I teach on regularly. Not easy to live out, though.
Do you give your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, family and friends the benefit of the doubt? This year, can you try to do that more?
Life is so much more enjoyable when we don't react so negatively to disappointing circumstances and unfulfilled expectations.
Monday, January 4, 2010
2010: The Year of No Bullshit
Most of you who know me even a little bit, and all of you who know me well, know that I don't typically use profanity nor appreciate the use of profanity in my presence.
However, "BS" just doesn't fully express what I'm trying to convey in this case.
This year, 2010, I am declaring a bullshit-free year for me.
If you are the type of person who operates in it regularly, who spews it out of your mouth on a daily basis, we need to part ways right now. Perhaps next year I can have another helping of your BS. This year, I'm full of it. I have reached my tipping point.
How do I define BS?
- When people don't say what they mean. They talk around the issues. THAT'S BS!
- When people say things to manipulate you into doing whatever they want you to do - instead of just asking you outright. THAT'S BS!
- When people lie to you - right in your face - for whatever reason (personal gain, fear, to exalt themselves, etc.). THAT'S BS!
- When people give excuses for mistakes or intentionally wrong actions, rather than just saying, "My bad." THAT'S BS! I can deal with a "reason" when it begins with "my bad." However, an "excuse" with no accountability - BS.
- When you ask someone a Yes or No question, and they begin with "See..." or anything else that doesn't give you a definitive Yes or No - and then they have the nerve to finish their sentence(s) without ever having answered you. THAT'S BS!
I had a relative who would say, "You don't plan to stop at the store on your way home from work, do you?" Rather than just saying, "We need / I need something from the store. Can you pick it up for me?" THAT'S BS!
That's actually manipulative BS - which is the worst, stinkiest type of BS there is! And there are many, many stinky examples and putrid flavors of that type of BS!
So, if that describes you, then I say, "Happy New Year, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas." I'll talk to you in 2011 - maybe. Perhaps I can digest another helping next year. This year, don't bother even calling me. This year, I can't take one more spoonful!
Because here's the thing, when you seriously get fed up with BS, you start to call it as you see it. And I am seriously fed up. If you come to me this year with some BS, I'm going to just tell you outright, "That's bullshit." And then I'll walk away, or hang up, or stop texting, whatever the case may be.
I'm not kidding.
However, "BS" just doesn't fully express what I'm trying to convey in this case.
This year, 2010, I am declaring a bullshit-free year for me.
If you are the type of person who operates in it regularly, who spews it out of your mouth on a daily basis, we need to part ways right now. Perhaps next year I can have another helping of your BS. This year, I'm full of it. I have reached my tipping point.
How do I define BS?
- When people don't say what they mean. They talk around the issues. THAT'S BS!
- When people say things to manipulate you into doing whatever they want you to do - instead of just asking you outright. THAT'S BS!
- When people lie to you - right in your face - for whatever reason (personal gain, fear, to exalt themselves, etc.). THAT'S BS!
- When people give excuses for mistakes or intentionally wrong actions, rather than just saying, "My bad." THAT'S BS! I can deal with a "reason" when it begins with "my bad." However, an "excuse" with no accountability - BS.
- When you ask someone a Yes or No question, and they begin with "See..." or anything else that doesn't give you a definitive Yes or No - and then they have the nerve to finish their sentence(s) without ever having answered you. THAT'S BS!
I had a relative who would say, "You don't plan to stop at the store on your way home from work, do you?" Rather than just saying, "We need / I need something from the store. Can you pick it up for me?" THAT'S BS!
That's actually manipulative BS - which is the worst, stinkiest type of BS there is! And there are many, many stinky examples and putrid flavors of that type of BS!
So, if that describes you, then I say, "Happy New Year, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas." I'll talk to you in 2011 - maybe. Perhaps I can digest another helping next year. This year, don't bother even calling me. This year, I can't take one more spoonful!
Because here's the thing, when you seriously get fed up with BS, you start to call it as you see it. And I am seriously fed up. If you come to me this year with some BS, I'm going to just tell you outright, "That's bullshit." And then I'll walk away, or hang up, or stop texting, whatever the case may be.
I'm not kidding.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A Matter of Perspective
Are you a glass half-full or a glass half-empty type of person? It's all just a matter of perspective.
What a "memorable" holiday season this was for me. I love that word "memorable." It can mean anything.
My Christmas vacation included wonderful things like seeing my sisters and their families, talking and visiting with friends I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, traveling to my favorite part of the country and enjoying the snow with my son.
It also included deaths, near deaths, car accidents, stolen cars and break-ups.
I always find it so amazing that life can be filled with so many wonderful, joy-filled things but at the exact same time it can hold unhappy or challenging things.
I've learned, however, that how you choose to see your life is truly a matter of perspective - not circumstance.
Some people choose to see the grey cloud in every situation. Others choose to see only the silver lining. I tend to fall into that latter category most of the time. Although I have days that I lose my positive perspective, I tend to bounce back pretty easily.
I remember hearing about a newswoman who was electrocuted in a van as she was working on a story. She lost her arms and legs because of it, and was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Her response: "I'm just happy to still be alive. I'll be able to see my daughters grow up, graduate, get married and have children."
Another person I know once said that if he was ever paralyzed to the point of being wheelchair bound, life would not be worth living and he'd want to someone to assist him with ending his life.
A matter of perspective.
One child gets only three gifts for Christmas when he's used to getting 10. He's disappointed. Another child gets one gift for Christmas when he's used to getting nothing. He's elated.
A matter of perspective.
How we see ourselves, our lives, our circumstances is truly just a matter of perspective.
So, I can look back on this year's holiday and say, "Wow, that sucked. So much tragedy and pain."
Or I can say, "This was one of the best Christmases I ever had! I was where I wanted to be with friends and family I wanted to be with. It was wonderful."
Of course, I will choose that second option. It's who I am. It doesn't mean the challenging things didn't occur or didn't affect me. They did, deeply. But I will find the silver lining around those clouds and put them in perspective.
How was your Christmas? If you hadn't gotten just what you wanted for Christmas, and hadn't been able to spend it with who you wanted to be with, could you still say you had a good Christmas?
Is your overall perspective on your life and circumstances positive or negative? Are you able to keep a positive perspective even through negative circumstances?
Constantly Thinking
What a "memorable" holiday season this was for me. I love that word "memorable." It can mean anything.
My Christmas vacation included wonderful things like seeing my sisters and their families, talking and visiting with friends I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, traveling to my favorite part of the country and enjoying the snow with my son.
It also included deaths, near deaths, car accidents, stolen cars and break-ups.
I always find it so amazing that life can be filled with so many wonderful, joy-filled things but at the exact same time it can hold unhappy or challenging things.
I've learned, however, that how you choose to see your life is truly a matter of perspective - not circumstance.
Some people choose to see the grey cloud in every situation. Others choose to see only the silver lining. I tend to fall into that latter category most of the time. Although I have days that I lose my positive perspective, I tend to bounce back pretty easily.
I remember hearing about a newswoman who was electrocuted in a van as she was working on a story. She lost her arms and legs because of it, and was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Her response: "I'm just happy to still be alive. I'll be able to see my daughters grow up, graduate, get married and have children."
Another person I know once said that if he was ever paralyzed to the point of being wheelchair bound, life would not be worth living and he'd want to someone to assist him with ending his life.
A matter of perspective.
One child gets only three gifts for Christmas when he's used to getting 10. He's disappointed. Another child gets one gift for Christmas when he's used to getting nothing. He's elated.
A matter of perspective.
How we see ourselves, our lives, our circumstances is truly just a matter of perspective.
So, I can look back on this year's holiday and say, "Wow, that sucked. So much tragedy and pain."
Or I can say, "This was one of the best Christmases I ever had! I was where I wanted to be with friends and family I wanted to be with. It was wonderful."
Of course, I will choose that second option. It's who I am. It doesn't mean the challenging things didn't occur or didn't affect me. They did, deeply. But I will find the silver lining around those clouds and put them in perspective.
How was your Christmas? If you hadn't gotten just what you wanted for Christmas, and hadn't been able to spend it with who you wanted to be with, could you still say you had a good Christmas?
Is your overall perspective on your life and circumstances positive or negative? Are you able to keep a positive perspective even through negative circumstances?
Constantly Thinking
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