Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Enduring Love
I know that may be hard for some to believe because my divorce is nearly final. But I didn’t get a divorce because I don't love marriage. I got a divorce because I had a bad marriage.
The truth is I love not only the idea of marriage - the happy ending - but I even love the hard work that goes into it and the rewards of the hard work. I love the relationship maintenance. I love the fact that when you're with the right one, it’s a Ride or Die relationship.
Most people don’t approach marriage like that, though. They marry the wrong one for the wrong reasons, or the wrong one for the right reasons. Basically, they marry for the “right now” reasons….and then they struggle to “endure.”
Recently I read an article about women who were interviewed about their long, “enduring” marriages. They felt like since they stayed married for so many years, or they planned to stay married “until death did them part” that they had a wonderful, enduring marriage. Many of the women not only didn't love their husbands, they thought about getting a divorce at least once a week.
Now, I have no problem with commitment and stick-to-it-ness. I think people’s words should be their bonds...in general.
But let’s say I make a decision that I’m going to be a cigarette smoker. I commit to it. I buy several cartons of cigarettes. Then at some point I realize that was a “bad” decision. I thought it was a wise, Godly decision at first (for whatever reason) - but really it was just what I wanted to do at the time. Do I “stick” with it? Endure? Smoke every last one of those cigarettes until they kill me?
Or do I make another choice?
That article grieved my spirit so much. And not just that article. I’ve heard of too many marriages lately – long-lasting marriages – where there was no love whatsoever…marriages where God got no glory. Any non-believer looking at these “Christian” marriages would say, “Why on earth would I want that?”
A loveless marriage will kill you…slowly…sometimes quickly and always painfully...as you endure.
I can just hear the dissent now. But let me ask this....
Do any of us want a love like that?
Love is not just a feeling, it’s a verb. It has action behind it. It determines how we treat people, how we speak about them, how we look at them. Would any of us want to say of our spouse, “My husband doesn’t really love me. He just endures me. We’ll probably be married until we die…but not because we love each other. Just because we’re sticking it out. Enduring.”
Some people actually think that’s okay….that it’s right!
If God just “endured” us...just put up with us...because He said he would...not because He really loved us, would that be okay?
More importantly, what if we loved God like that? “I don't really love Him. I think maybe I did at some point. But now, I'm just going through the motions because I said I'd stick with Him until I died.” Aren’t those the ones about which Jesus said He’d say “I never knew you”?
Fortunately, God really, really loves us...unconditionally. He does special things for us, even when He doesn't have to. He’s always there to listen and talk to us. He takes care of us. He spoils us. He makes us better people. He doesn’t play petty games with us. (“I'm not going to call you if you don't call me.” “I’m mad at you so I’m going to act like I don’t love you.”)
And He wants us to choose Him and love Him back. God doesn’t do “going through the motions.”
What God has put together let no man put asunder. But what about the crap we put together on our own and then stamp God's name on - because we're Christian. “Endurance” is not enough of a reason to call a marriage “Christian.” Real, unconditional love is about so much more than endurance.
Don’t get me wrong, endurance is important. But it’s not a stand-alone support beam. When you have the right one, for the right reasons, and you’re in love with them, then endurance is one piece of a loving marriage. Endurance gets you through the tough times. If you don’t have love, though, endurance becomes a prison sentence.
Fortunately, I have seen some really, really wonderful, loving marriages. I’ve seen couples who are crazy about each other 30+ years into it. When I hear a woman or man say about their spouse, “Aww, that’s my baby,” and you can see the twinkle in their eyes and hear the warmth in their voice, I know that’s love.
Real love makes you want see your spouse happy, no matter what the cost. Your good days are brighter; your bad days are bearable because of real love. You want to be a better man or woman and encourage your spouse to be all that they can be because of real love.
Endurance doesn’t do ANY of that!
I’ve heard a man say “I don’t have to ‘treat’ her like I love her. I’m taking care of her and paying the bills, so that ought to be enough.”
A good friend had his woman say, “Why do you keep asking me if I love you?! I’m still here! That should be good enough!”
Um, no thanks. I’d rather not have that kind of love. “Good enough” is not the standard. Maybe that’s the “endurance” standard. Not mine, though.
That’s not the kind of love I give and it’s not the kind I want to receive. I’m not interested in “enduring” for “endurance” sake. I want real love. I’ll wait for it.
For me, real, unconditional love - which results in a great marriage – isn’t the absence of challenge or conflict. It’s not even maintaining the butterfly high we feel at the beginning of the relationship. I know that there’s a flow in relationships. There are emotional highs and lows.
The trick, however, and for me a characteristic of unconditional love - or at least the way I express it - is that your mate doesn’t feel the lows.
Even if we feel them periodically, even though our spouse may know they’re there, we don’t have to treat them like it.
Is that realistic? Jesus’ example says it is. If I hadn’t seen real couples in love after years and years of marriage, perhaps I’d think that only Jesus could love like that.
Perhaps that’s what real loving endurance is: Treating the spouse that you love like you love them, even when you don’t feel like it…even when you (or they) may be going through a lull.
Now that kind of endurance I can do.
Constantly Thinking….
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
THE FLAKE RULES
In this day of over-communication – emailing, texting, tweeting, Facebooking, IMing - “flaking” should be nearly non-existent. The communication list doesn’t even include phoning, writing and visiting – those ancient methods of communication that are nearly extinct.
What puts someone in the “flake” category? Well, I have my personal “Flake Rules.” Your list may mirror mine or be more (or less) extensive, or you may have no list at all.
I actually have two special boxes in my cereal cabinet: One for “General Flakes” and one for “California Flakes.”
The difference between the two – besides the fact that the California Flakes box is fuller – is that General Flakes are Flakes regardless of geography. Typically, they’re regarded as generally irresponsible people or at least unreliable in almost every situation. I’m sure you’ve heard people say something to the effect of, “You asked [insert Flake name] to help you?! You know you can’t count on them!” Those folks fall into the General Flakes box.
California Flakes, however, are so named because there is a behavior that is, apparently, acceptable in only California. Discourteous, brush-off, blow-off behavior that most people wouldn’t think of having outside of the “laid back” world of LA-LA Land is completely acceptable here. California flakes don’t even consider it flaking, or if they do, they chalk it up to just that, “Sorry. I flaked.” Nowhere else in the country is that an acceptable response.
Let me be clear, though. Being a Flake doesn’t eliminate you from the friends, family or invite lists, or determine whether you’re likeable or loveable. It just determines your status and the level of expectation from you. I love my Flake friends and family as much as my non-Flake friends and family. I just count on them for less, and I don’t recommend them for anything that will require a true commitment (a non-Flake responsibility).
What is the definition of “flaking”? Basically, “flaking” is giving someone the brush-off without common courtesy. Flaking, ultimately, is a "commitment and common courtesy deficit disorder." (I think it should be included in medical dictionaries and Wikipedia.) A Flake is someone who unintentionally embodies those characteristics – lack of commitment, ignorant of common courtesy. (It should be noted that there’s a completely different name for someone who intentionally embodies those characteristics. Several names, actually.)
Here then, are my Flake Rules (with a special acknowledgement to a BFF whose “unacceptable actions list” are incorporated into my list, as we see completely eye-to-eye on those).
THE FLAKE RULES
1. If you RSVP to attend an event and then don’t attend, without so much as a phone call, text or email, you are a FLAKE. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of 5, 10, 30 or 300 people attending. If you said you’re coming, you have a responsibility to let the host know that you’re not coming if you change your mind or if you’re unable to attend.
2. If you RSVP to attend an event, and when the host calls to confirm details you let him or her know “Oops, sorry, I can’t attend after all” – you are a FLAKE. The host should NEVER have to call YOU to find out that you’re not attending.
3. If you’re invited to an event and you say, “I’ll pencil it in and see what comes up,” you are a FLAKE. Making it known that you’re hoping for a better offer is rude beyond compare.
4. If you’re invited to an event and you say, “I’ll try,” and then don’t even bother to put it in your calendar, you’re a FLAKE. (And you’re quite lame – learn to say “no thank you.” Your host will appreciate it.)
5. If you’ve said you’d try and then your “attempt” doesn’t work out, you owe the host a phone call saying you’re not coming. If you don’t call and you chalk it up to, “Well, I didn’t commit. I said I’d try,” you are a FLAKE.
6. If you regularly arrive late at events – typically missing important items on the program, you are a FLAKE.
7. If you cancel because you got “a better offer,” it generally falls into the FLAKE category – unless you can convince your host that it truly is a can’t-pass-up opportunity.
8. Asking the host who else is coming before you commit is rude, and will generally be followed by some form of FLAKE behavior. (This obnoxious behavior is frequently observed with California FLAKES.)
9. If you regularly forget to attend events or claim (truthfully or not) that they somehow were not on your calendar, you are a FLAKE. You get a pass once, maybe twice, for forgetting an event. After that, you’re a FLAKE.
The completely unacceptable (and sometimes unforgiveable) MAJOR FLAKE RULES where even last minute cancellations are not acceptable options are:
10. If you cancel and the event involves a child, you’re a MAJOR FLAKE. Children take you at your word and don’t understand the adult lameness of flaking.
11. If you cancel when there’s money on the table (i.e. someone’s purchased your ticket), you are a MAJOR FLAKE.
12. If you cancel when you have a key part in the program (i.e. you’re on the agenda), you are a MAJOR FLAKE.
13. If you cancel when you have one-on-one plans (i.e. leave someone sitting in a restaurant), you are a MAJOR FLAKE.
Don’t get me wrong. Canceling in advance is generally acceptable. Canceling day-of is more disappointing, but still acceptable when necessary. Things happen (weather, illness, flat tires). Not showing up and not calling, however, is just FLAKE behavior – unless you’re in jail, dead or so sick that you can’t hit the speed dial button on your cell phone.
Truly forgetting to attend an event – every now and then – happens. This does not automatically put you in the FLAKE category. But if it happens regularly (or even more than once), you may possibly be a FLAKE.
In defense of Flakes, I must say that:
1) Flakes really do TRY to live up to their word (most of them, anyway).
2) Flakes almost never consider themselves a Flake. They’re quite offended, actually, to find out that others view them this way. And they will give any number of reasons (reasonable excuses in their opinion) for why they repeatedly flake.
3) Flakes are usually, and ironically, quite irritated by people who flake on them.
4) Flakes try to cover or disguise their flakiness by using the “I’ll Try” statement. Flakes are typically the most non-committal segment of society.
During my discussion with my BFF about FLAKE behavior, he said many people don’t call to cancel either because 1) they don’t want to try to be persuaded to attend an event when they can’t or don’t want to; or 2) they don’t feel like they’ll be missed since it’s a group activity.
In my opinion, neither of those reasons absolves a FLAKE. The first reason is lame – Man Up! The second reason is just wrong. Most times, if you’ve received an invitation, it’s because the host desires your particular presence. Deciding that since you’re one of many your presence won’t be missed is likely incorrect. That's not your choice to make.
Common courtesy, like common sense, is no longer common even in this day of communication over-saturation.
Here are some basic tips for moving forward:
1) JUST SAY NO – Just say “no” when you really don’t want to go. I know it’s hard and you may worry about offending someone, but just say, “No, thank you” and then stop talking. No more of this “I’ll try” or “I’ll pencil it in” business. Let your “yes” be “yes,” and your “no” be “no.”
2) TAKE THE PASS – If someone says, “No, thank you” to you, just receive it. Don’t ask if they have other plans. That’s not your business. (There are relationships that can push past a no, but, in general, take the pass.)
3) MAN UP – If you find you can’t attend after RSVPing “yes,” find a way to let the host know, in advance.
4) BE GRACIOUS – If someone calls or texts to cancel, receive it graciously. Let them know you will (or did) miss them, but you hope to see them next time. Don’t make them feel guilty for not attending.
If we can do these things, we’d probably cut down on at least 50% of invitation offenses.
My boxes of GENERAL FLAKES and CALIFORNIA FLAKES just keep growing and growing. I’d love to run out of them at some point.
Constantly thinking…
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