How much of what you wanted to do or be when you grew up have you done?
I've done a lot.
I wanted to be a teacher. I was a teacher's assistant in a school for gifted children, and a school for emotionally and mentally challenged children. I also do a lot of professional teaching. And, of course, I teach through entertainment.
I wanted to be an actress. I've done enough acting. (Whew!) I quickly realized I'd rather be calling the shots behind the camera (directing), teaching acting skills, and writing quality scripts for the actors.
I wanted to travel the world. I'm not done yet, but I've been to five different countries outside of the U.S., and almost of the states.
I wanted to go to law school. Hmmm. Well, I worked for the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. Not as a lawyer, of course, but I'm not done yet. There's still time, God willing.
I wanted to produce events. I've probably produced more events in my career than almost anything else.
I wanted to work with the rich and famous. I worked for Oprah. You don't get much richer or much more famous than that. I also wanted to meet Steven Spielberg (for personal admiration reasons). I did. And he was as wonderful as I thought he'd be.
I wanted to be a business owner. I am. No Weapon Productions, Inc. has been established since 2004.
I wanted to make movies. I have. My two first (award-winning) shorts have both gone to the Cannes Film Festival, and been screened around the country.
Most importantly, I wanted to be a good wife and mother. I actually wanted six kids initially, then narrowed it down to four, but was blessed with one absolutely wonderful angel. I love being his mom. And, although separated, I'm still a wife, and my husband said I was a good one. I have always been and will always be wife material.
I've done a lot. And I'm not done yet.
How much of what you wanted to do or be when you grew up have you done?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Beautiful Ending
What if the end of relationships was as beautiful, wonderful, loving, exciting, sweet and passionate as the beginning?
*******
Nina's waiting for Jason at the door when he gets home from work. He looks tired.
Without saying a word, she takes his briefcase and sets it down, takes his jacket off and lays it across the back of his favorite chair. Then she folds herself into his arms and kisses him passionately.
When she's done, he doesn't let her go. "What was that for, baby?"
"For us. Come here," she says and leads him to the fireplace. She picks up a folded sheet of paper from the mantel and hands it to him.
"What's this?"
"A list of everything you've done wrong or not done right in our relationship. All the hurts, pains, disappointments...every tear I've cried over you."
"What?" he laughs. Is she serious?
She picks up a second sheet, actually two sheets. "And this is a list of everything I've done wrong or not done right in our relationship. All the hurts, pains, disappointments I've caused you."
"Okay. So are we supposed to read them together?" He hates this game already.
"No." She takes his list out of his hand and tosses it into the fire. Then she hands him her list.
He starts to unfold it, laughing. "I think I want to read yours. I might need to add some things."
"Jason!"
"I'm just kidding, baby. I don't need nor want to keep a list." He tosses it into the fire.
Still he has to ask, "Why was your list longer than mine?"
Nina looks lovingly into Jason's eyes. "Because I didn't write anything on your sheet of paper."
He loves this woman. Why can't they make it work? Nevermind. He knows why. He looks back into her eyes.
They can both see it. They have always been able to read each other without saying a word. Now which one of them is going to say it?
"It's over, isn't it?" she asks as she wraps her arms around his neck.
"Not unless you want it to be," he responds as he puts his arms around her waist.
"You know I never want 'us' to end. But we can't go on like this. I want more. But I know you've given me all you can give. I won't ask you to change. Not anymore." She smiles at him, even as her eyes fill with tears.
"Oh baby, don't cry," he says wiping her tears. "We said we'd be together forever. I told you that you were my 'one,' and you said I was your 'one.' That will never change. Even if we can't be together physically, our hearts can always be together."
"What does that mean?" she asks laughing through her tears.
Jason laughs, too. "It sounded deep, didn't it?" He stops smiling. "It means true love just is, Nina. Regardless of circumstances, differences, betrayals, arguments, infidelities, flaws, faults, untruths...true love still remains."
Nina wants to be sure she understands. "So, you're saying that even though we're breaking up, we can still love each other?"
"Not can. Will. We won't be able to help it. Love doesn't end with a break-up."
He takes her hand and leads her to the couch, wrapping his arm around her as they sit. He tilts her head up to his and looks in her eyes.
"We don't even have to break up if you don't want to, Nina. That's your choice."
She pulls away and looks directly at him. "No, baby. That's not fair. Our relationship began because we both made a choice to love each other and step into 'us' together. If we end, it has to be mutual, too. Just as I couldn't start our relationship alone, I can't make the choice to end it alone." She takes a deep breath. "Now, are you ready to walk away, Jason?"
Jason is torn. He doesn't want it to be over, but he can't give Nina all she wants and needs. He can't give himself to her 100%. To continue would be selfish, but to end would break his heart. There's pain either way. Perhaps...
"If we break up now, can we continue to be friends?" Maybe he can use a lifeline.
"I don't know. Possibly. But probably not right away. I can't pretend I only want to be your friend when I see you." She sees the disappointment on his face. "Jason, can't you still love me even if we can't be friends? If true love really exists through betrayals, infidelities, and all those other things you said, wouldn't it still exist even if we couldn't be friends?"
He knows she's right. Friendship may not be an option, at least for a while. And he'll love her anyway. And she'll love him.
He still can't say it.
"Jason, it's okay. 'We' began because we saw something in each other that we both fell in love with, something we both wanted. We chose to be each other's 'one,' believing that we could sustain that commitment. But we found out that we couldn't sustain it - for whatever reason - circumstances, bad choices, personality changes, rumors, lies, temptations, baggage, you name it. Just because we couldn't sustain it doesn't mean it wasn't real, that it wasn't wonderful, that it wasn't special. It was. I have no regrets."
He shakes his head, "What about all those things you said during our last argument? All those regrets you said you had?"
"I just burned them in the fire."
"If you really burned them, then why don't you want to try again?"
"Three reasons: I'm still the same person. You're still the same person. And our circumstances haven't changed. If any one of those things changes, I'd try again with you in a heartbeat."
"What if they never do?" he asks.
"Then I'll still always love you, just like you said. But we just won't be able to be together."
"I hate failing, Nina. You know that."
"We didn't fail, Jason. We loved. We chose to love. We chose to be together. And we'll still love, even as we choose not to be together. It's not a failure. It's a choice. We know what it would take to make it work between us. We're choosing not to do those things."
She's right. He's not ready to do anything differently - be someone different - not right now. Maybe not ever. And neither is she.
"Okay. Let's say it together." He takes her hands.
They turn and look at each other. A deep breath, and then...
"I love you," they say in unison.
They both crack up laughing. And then they hug. Tightly. And probably for the last time.
"Goodbye, Jason. I'll love you forever," she whispers in his ear.
"Ditto, Nina," he whispers back in hers.
**************
To my "one," and all the wonderful men I've ever loved...
Constantly Thinking
*******
Nina's waiting for Jason at the door when he gets home from work. He looks tired.
Without saying a word, she takes his briefcase and sets it down, takes his jacket off and lays it across the back of his favorite chair. Then she folds herself into his arms and kisses him passionately.
When she's done, he doesn't let her go. "What was that for, baby?"
"For us. Come here," she says and leads him to the fireplace. She picks up a folded sheet of paper from the mantel and hands it to him.
"What's this?"
"A list of everything you've done wrong or not done right in our relationship. All the hurts, pains, disappointments...every tear I've cried over you."
"What?" he laughs. Is she serious?
She picks up a second sheet, actually two sheets. "And this is a list of everything I've done wrong or not done right in our relationship. All the hurts, pains, disappointments I've caused you."
"Okay. So are we supposed to read them together?" He hates this game already.
"No." She takes his list out of his hand and tosses it into the fire. Then she hands him her list.
He starts to unfold it, laughing. "I think I want to read yours. I might need to add some things."
"Jason!"
"I'm just kidding, baby. I don't need nor want to keep a list." He tosses it into the fire.
Still he has to ask, "Why was your list longer than mine?"
Nina looks lovingly into Jason's eyes. "Because I didn't write anything on your sheet of paper."
He loves this woman. Why can't they make it work? Nevermind. He knows why. He looks back into her eyes.
They can both see it. They have always been able to read each other without saying a word. Now which one of them is going to say it?
"It's over, isn't it?" she asks as she wraps her arms around his neck.
"Not unless you want it to be," he responds as he puts his arms around her waist.
"You know I never want 'us' to end. But we can't go on like this. I want more. But I know you've given me all you can give. I won't ask you to change. Not anymore." She smiles at him, even as her eyes fill with tears.
"Oh baby, don't cry," he says wiping her tears. "We said we'd be together forever. I told you that you were my 'one,' and you said I was your 'one.' That will never change. Even if we can't be together physically, our hearts can always be together."
"What does that mean?" she asks laughing through her tears.
Jason laughs, too. "It sounded deep, didn't it?" He stops smiling. "It means true love just is, Nina. Regardless of circumstances, differences, betrayals, arguments, infidelities, flaws, faults, untruths...true love still remains."
Nina wants to be sure she understands. "So, you're saying that even though we're breaking up, we can still love each other?"
"Not can. Will. We won't be able to help it. Love doesn't end with a break-up."
He takes her hand and leads her to the couch, wrapping his arm around her as they sit. He tilts her head up to his and looks in her eyes.
"We don't even have to break up if you don't want to, Nina. That's your choice."
She pulls away and looks directly at him. "No, baby. That's not fair. Our relationship began because we both made a choice to love each other and step into 'us' together. If we end, it has to be mutual, too. Just as I couldn't start our relationship alone, I can't make the choice to end it alone." She takes a deep breath. "Now, are you ready to walk away, Jason?"
Jason is torn. He doesn't want it to be over, but he can't give Nina all she wants and needs. He can't give himself to her 100%. To continue would be selfish, but to end would break his heart. There's pain either way. Perhaps...
"If we break up now, can we continue to be friends?" Maybe he can use a lifeline.
"I don't know. Possibly. But probably not right away. I can't pretend I only want to be your friend when I see you." She sees the disappointment on his face. "Jason, can't you still love me even if we can't be friends? If true love really exists through betrayals, infidelities, and all those other things you said, wouldn't it still exist even if we couldn't be friends?"
He knows she's right. Friendship may not be an option, at least for a while. And he'll love her anyway. And she'll love him.
He still can't say it.
"Jason, it's okay. 'We' began because we saw something in each other that we both fell in love with, something we both wanted. We chose to be each other's 'one,' believing that we could sustain that commitment. But we found out that we couldn't sustain it - for whatever reason - circumstances, bad choices, personality changes, rumors, lies, temptations, baggage, you name it. Just because we couldn't sustain it doesn't mean it wasn't real, that it wasn't wonderful, that it wasn't special. It was. I have no regrets."
He shakes his head, "What about all those things you said during our last argument? All those regrets you said you had?"
"I just burned them in the fire."
"If you really burned them, then why don't you want to try again?"
"Three reasons: I'm still the same person. You're still the same person. And our circumstances haven't changed. If any one of those things changes, I'd try again with you in a heartbeat."
"What if they never do?" he asks.
"Then I'll still always love you, just like you said. But we just won't be able to be together."
"I hate failing, Nina. You know that."
"We didn't fail, Jason. We loved. We chose to love. We chose to be together. And we'll still love, even as we choose not to be together. It's not a failure. It's a choice. We know what it would take to make it work between us. We're choosing not to do those things."
She's right. He's not ready to do anything differently - be someone different - not right now. Maybe not ever. And neither is she.
"Okay. Let's say it together." He takes her hands.
They turn and look at each other. A deep breath, and then...
"I love you," they say in unison.
They both crack up laughing. And then they hug. Tightly. And probably for the last time.
"Goodbye, Jason. I'll love you forever," she whispers in his ear.
"Ditto, Nina," he whispers back in hers.
**************
To my "one," and all the wonderful men I've ever loved...
Constantly Thinking
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Third Worst Thing
The third worst thing I've ever done in my life (in my opinion) is to hose down a baby that was crying in a window of the house next door.
I was watering the grass and thought maybe a little squirt of water might help him quiet down.
It didn't.
Well, at first it did. He started laughing when he got a little wet. So I squirted him again. He laughed again. Another squirt, however, and it was all over.
I think maybe the water got in his nose.
His mother suddenly appeared at the window and I knew I was in big trouble.
My aunt grounded me for that one. Had my parents been there, I would've gotten the beat down (and deserved it!).
The first and second worst things I've ever done are much more serious - nothing I should put in writing.
What about you? Which "publishable" thing would you consider as one of the worst you've ever done?
I was watering the grass and thought maybe a little squirt of water might help him quiet down.
It didn't.
Well, at first it did. He started laughing when he got a little wet. So I squirted him again. He laughed again. Another squirt, however, and it was all over.
I think maybe the water got in his nose.
His mother suddenly appeared at the window and I knew I was in big trouble.
My aunt grounded me for that one. Had my parents been there, I would've gotten the beat down (and deserved it!).
The first and second worst things I've ever done are much more serious - nothing I should put in writing.
What about you? Which "publishable" thing would you consider as one of the worst you've ever done?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Truth vs. Facts
I've been Constantly Thinking about truth vs. facts.
Facts are interesting. They can be completely misinterpreted. People can see or learn of the same facts and come to completely different conclusions.
An example - you're walking with a friend and she suddenly gets a bee in her hair. You start trying to swat it away - beating her senselessly on the back of her head - or so it appears to people who don't know what you're doing. Now, if you're a man and she's a woman (or you're a parent and she's a child), this can completely give the wrong impression.
The facts appear to be that you're hitting her in the back of the head - although you may just be touching her hair. Even if you do hit her in the head - it's for her own benefit, and probably at her request.
Another example - you glance at a handsome man and right at that moment an eyelash gets in your eye. (Yes, it happens!) So you wink at him...or so he thinks.
How many of us have sat on a squeaky chair and known that others around us thought we just passed gas?
Or, you walk up on Jesus washing Peter's feet. Who would you think the Messiah was? Certainly not the foot washer.
How many people have been incorrectly convicted of a crime because of facts being misinterpreted? We read about it all the time, unfortunately.
How many bosses, pastors, parents, teachers have been considered mean or cruel because the employees, congregants, students or children based their opinions on facts vs. truth?
As a 3-year-old we might think, "My mom is mean because she won't let me play with scissors."
As a 13-year-old we might think, "My parents are mean because they won't let me hang out with that boy."
As a 23-year-old we might think, "My boss is mean because he didn't think my suggestion was a good idea."
As a 33-year-old we might think, "I'm not happy with my pastor because he said being in debt was a sin."
We all do it at some point - base our opinions on facts vs. truth. Truth, however, is different. There are no "versions" of the truth. The truth just is.
The truth is our mom is trying to save our little life by not letting us play with scissors; our parents are trying to keep us away from a bad influence for any number of reasons; our boss didn't choose our idea because we couldn't see the corporate big picture; and our pastor is just giving it to us straight not trying to sugarcoat the truth and not picking on us.
Facts cannot only be misleading, they can be dangerous. Some facts are just red herrings - thrown out there to get us off-track or throw us off the scent of truth. ("The killer wore a red sweater. Isn't it true that you own a red sweater?")
Instead of forming our beliefs on facts and deciding it's truth, we should instead see facts in relation to the truth.
God's word says that by Jesus' stripes I AM healed, so it doesn't matter what the facts look like (or what it feels like) right now.
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Me," so it doesn't matter if we see Him nailed to a cross. He's not just a man, so He's not just going to die like a man. He's coming back because He said He was - and that's truth.
Most people's moods blow like the wind blows because their perceptions are all based on circumstance (or facts). Someone gives you a compliment or a raise, then you're in a good mood. Someone cuts you off in traffic or gives you a dirty look or doesn't call when they said they would, and you're in a bad mood. Facts or circumstances blow you around like tumbleweeds.
Truth says, however, that you're beautiful whether you get a compliment or not. You have value whether you get a raise or not. Traffic happens, it's not personal. The person who gave you a dirty look may have gas. (Hey, that's the 2nd flatulence reference in this blog!) The person who didn't call when they said they would - it could mean anything - and none of it has to be negative toward you.
I believe that the truth always comes out. The thing about truth, though, is that many times it can't be defended. It has to be discovered. Trying to convince someone of the truth can be pointless and fruitless. Jesus didn't fight with the Pharisees about who He was. If they didn't want to believe, that was their choice, to their detriment.
I've come to the realization that my perception of things can be completely incorrect. I might have misread the facts, or been influenced by negative (or positive) circumstances. The truth might be something different altogether.
Sometimes when I can't figure things out, I just have to let it go and decide that the truth will come out at some point. And it always does - sooner or later - good or bad.
This year should be a year of truth discovery. Discover the truth before you form opinions or take action. Consider the truth about a person's character before you begin or end a relationship with them. Let's not trip over or trip on facts this year.
Keep in mind, however, that once you know the truth, much of what you do will be a "faith walk" because you'll be operating not based on what you see (facts and circumstances) but what you know to be "true."
By the way, a good place to start is with the "universal truths" and there are a lot of them. I'll share some in my next blog. Please feel free to share the ones you've discovered.
Until then, I'm...
Constantly Thinking
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Life Decision
When I was 15 and in 11th grade I specifically remember the day when I was asked by God, "Will you use your powers for good or for evil?"
I didn't even have a personal relationship with God at that time. But there was no question that I had a decision to make. A life decision.
Who was I going to be? Was I going to use my intelligence, looks, feminine wiles for good or for my own personal gain?
I remember that I skipped all my classes that day. The decision wasn't easy for me. Everyone around me, it seemed, got to do whatever they wanted to do - for whatever reason they wanted to do it - and most of it was personal gain.
I felt like I should at least have a few years of living selfishly. I was only 15. Couldn't I be selfish until 18 or 21, at least?
But no. The question was clear. Choose. Choose now. Good or evil? For the greater good or for your personal gain?
Looking back on it, I don't recall what I thought the repercussions would be if I chose personal gain. I didn't know the Lord so I don't think that I thought I'd end up in hell.
I just remember knowing that there would be repercussions if I chose the selfish path.
I cried that day. All day long. I thought it wasn't fair. I didn't want to have to decide right then. I tried to ignore the question but it wouldn't go away. That's why I skipped all my classes. I couldn't focus. The question was too loud.
What was interesting about that day is that I became completely self-aware. Aware that all my decisions had an impact on others. All my words, all my actions suddenly had meaning. I could no longer operate cluelessly in a fog. I could no longer say, "Sorry, I wasn't thinking." (Unless I chose to lie.)
Everything changed for me that day.
I recognized who I was and what my gifts and talents were (at least some of them).
On that day, when I was 15, I chose who I was going to be.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still human. I make mistakes, bad choices, selfish choices at times. But I can't ever stay immersed in my mistakes. It doesn't sit well with me. Because I made a choice long ago.
So, what am I thinking about today?
I'm thinking about the fact that I have always been attracted to incredibly intelligent men. Men with a self-awareness, a great sense of humor, quick thinkers.
However, I suddenly (and recently) realized that I'd never considered whether the men I've been in relationships with ever made the choice I made. Had they ever made a conscious decision to choose good over evil? To choose the well-being of mankind over selfish gain?
If they hadn't, then a man with all the wonderful characteristics that I'm attracted to could be a dangerous thing. A man with incredible intelligence, who's self-aware, but who hasn't chosen to use his powers for good? Scary.
In my pre-relationship assessment, I don't need to just ask "Is he a nice guy?" The biggest question I need to ask is "Has he ever made a life decision?"
The man God has for me will be one who, at some point in his life, made the same decision I made. He's chosen to use his powers for good and not for evil (or personal gain).
I look forward to meeting him.
Until then, I'm...
Constantly Thinking
I didn't even have a personal relationship with God at that time. But there was no question that I had a decision to make. A life decision.
Who was I going to be? Was I going to use my intelligence, looks, feminine wiles for good or for my own personal gain?
I remember that I skipped all my classes that day. The decision wasn't easy for me. Everyone around me, it seemed, got to do whatever they wanted to do - for whatever reason they wanted to do it - and most of it was personal gain.
I felt like I should at least have a few years of living selfishly. I was only 15. Couldn't I be selfish until 18 or 21, at least?
But no. The question was clear. Choose. Choose now. Good or evil? For the greater good or for your personal gain?
Looking back on it, I don't recall what I thought the repercussions would be if I chose personal gain. I didn't know the Lord so I don't think that I thought I'd end up in hell.
I just remember knowing that there would be repercussions if I chose the selfish path.
I cried that day. All day long. I thought it wasn't fair. I didn't want to have to decide right then. I tried to ignore the question but it wouldn't go away. That's why I skipped all my classes. I couldn't focus. The question was too loud.
What was interesting about that day is that I became completely self-aware. Aware that all my decisions had an impact on others. All my words, all my actions suddenly had meaning. I could no longer operate cluelessly in a fog. I could no longer say, "Sorry, I wasn't thinking." (Unless I chose to lie.)
Everything changed for me that day.
I recognized who I was and what my gifts and talents were (at least some of them).
On that day, when I was 15, I chose who I was going to be.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still human. I make mistakes, bad choices, selfish choices at times. But I can't ever stay immersed in my mistakes. It doesn't sit well with me. Because I made a choice long ago.
So, what am I thinking about today?
I'm thinking about the fact that I have always been attracted to incredibly intelligent men. Men with a self-awareness, a great sense of humor, quick thinkers.
However, I suddenly (and recently) realized that I'd never considered whether the men I've been in relationships with ever made the choice I made. Had they ever made a conscious decision to choose good over evil? To choose the well-being of mankind over selfish gain?
If they hadn't, then a man with all the wonderful characteristics that I'm attracted to could be a dangerous thing. A man with incredible intelligence, who's self-aware, but who hasn't chosen to use his powers for good? Scary.
In my pre-relationship assessment, I don't need to just ask "Is he a nice guy?" The biggest question I need to ask is "Has he ever made a life decision?"
The man God has for me will be one who, at some point in his life, made the same decision I made. He's chosen to use his powers for good and not for evil (or personal gain).
I look forward to meeting him.
Until then, I'm...
Constantly Thinking
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