Living Grief

When talking to a client/friend recently, I used the phrase “living grief.”

I made it up on the spot to explain the grief felt when a relationship – with someone still living – ends.

I have found, with few exceptions, that living grief is much more difficult for me to process and get over than the grief I feel when someone I love passes away.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel both – intensely. But there is sometimes a peace about someone who passes away. If they’ve been in pain, especially physical pain, I am thankful that they are no longer suffering. If they were advanced in years and could no longer do the things they used to, I imagine them in heaven young and vibrant.

Even with the sudden and unexpected losses that I’ve experienced, once I’ve gotten over the trauma, I truly believe that God swept them up to heaven to spare them from some horrendousness that we couldn’t even imagine. (There is scripture to support this.)

I’ve realized that break-ups – both romantic and platonic – are much harder for me to get over.

I believe it’s because I’m processing both the loss of and the rejection from someone I care(d) about. How could someone not want my love? How could I think something was good or even great, but they thought it was bad or that it had no value?

Living grief often keeps me stuck in a loop, hashing and rehashing what happened, what was said, what could have been misunderstood – by both of us.

Sometimes, to get over it, I will think of the person as being dead. Not in a callous “you’re dead to me” type of way. Just in a way that helps me not to expect them to be in my life any longer. I can still have cherished memories, just don’t expect their presence.

Of course, that only works until I see them again. Seeing them again often creates a shockwave that sends me spiraling backwards into the “mental loop of bondage.”

To get over the “living grief,” I’ve tried prayer, putting them in my “God urn” (where I put things that only God can handle), removing them from my contacts and all my social media accounts. Still, as fate would have it, they pop up – again and again.

I’ve asked God how He processes people who reject Him or find no value in a relationship with Him. Mostly, He says, “Shake the dust off your feet...” and keep it pushing.

That has been what’s helped me most. Recognizing there are people who want to be in a relationship with me (platonic or romantic) and focusing my time there.

Why focus on the painful rejection when there are so many who are offering and reciprocating your love?

It doesn’t mean I won’t feel the loss sometimes. I will. Just as I still feel the loss of loved ones who have passed away.

With those who have passed away, I redirect by focusing on cherished memories.

Now, when I’m feeling the pain of “living grief,” I turn my attention to those who choose to be in my life. Those who love and value me, just as I love and value them.

Constantly Thinking…

 

 

Won’t You Miss the Weather?

“Won’t you miss the weather?”

That’s the question I was asked most when I shared that I was leaving California and moving back to the East Coast.

Only now, six months later, have I really been able to process that question.

Won’t I miss “THE WEATHER”?? The Weather. Really?

After living in California for 20 years, the first thought Californians have is “won’t I miss the weather?”

The short answer is easy. No.

I will miss the people I love. I will miss my friends. I will miss my church. I will miss my job, coworkers, staff, teachers, students, families.

I will even miss some of the places I loved to frequent – restaurants, the Grove, theme parks, museums, and sometimes...the beach.

I will miss seeing movies first. I love movie screenings. I love going to the Academy during Oscars week to see the shorts and animated films.

The weather is low on my list, if it makes the list at all. Mostly because I have heat intolerance so extremely hot weather is not good for me. I pass out. Also, because I love the change of seasons. Fall on the East Coast is my favorite time of year. And, I am actually one of those rare people who loves snow and colder weather. It doesn’t bother me. I can always layer up. There’s only so much you can take off when you’re hot.

But let’s get back to the original question. “Won’t you miss the weather?”

If I was leaving any other state to move to any other state, that would not be the first question.

In fact, when I’ve moved from other states to go back to California (I’ve lived there three times), no one in those other states asked me if I was moving to California for the weather.

People are my priority. Relationships, real relationships, are my priority. True friendships. Close family ties are my priority.

Even after being in Cali for 20 years (this last stretch), I never got used to being penciled in, no-shows at hosted events, flakes, not being able to visit close friends and family without calling, not seeing people I love who live in the same city - for months at a time. I never got used to people asking “Who else is coming?” when being invited to private events at my home. I never got used to not having close enough relationships that I could just come over and hang out with no agenda.

MY home was that way. Everyone knew my door was open. I had friends come over and spend the night – even though they lived locally. Sometimes they just wanted to get away, and they knew my home was the place to do that.

I hosted Thanksgiving dinner annually for those who couldn’t go back home, or those who just wanted to share a meal with family. I usually hosted Easter dinner, as well. I had annual Oscar parties. I organized birthday celebrations, for myself and for others. I coordinated group movie and theater outings. (Still do – even though I’m now 3,000 miles away!)

Back on the East Coast, not only do and will I still do those things, my friends and family here do them, as well. Game nights, girls nights out (or in), family dinners, birthday celebrations, day parties – these are regular occurrences here.

I am always welcome at my sisters’ homes. We have each other’s keys. We don’t need to call first – unless we want to confirm they’re in town.

 “Won’t I miss the weather?” Give me a break! No! I will NOT miss the weather. I will miss the people I love.

Ironically but fortunately, I see many of the Cali people I love even more than I did when I lived there so, thankfully, I haven’t had to miss them too much.

Relationships are my priority. They are what I care about. Not the weather.

Constantly Thinking…(not about the weather)

I Am That Foolish

I am that foolish that I will keep loving you after you’ve stopped loving me.

I am that foolish that even if you unfriend me – whether on social media or in real-life – I will still keep loving you. I will still keep being your friend. I will still keep praying for you.

I am that foolish that when I love you, I will forget most of the horrible things you’ve said or done.

I am that foolish that I will reach out not once, not twice, not three times, but for as long as my hope remains.

I am that foolish that I truly believe that love conquers all.

I am that foolish that I see and believe in your potential, and often ignore your reality.

I am that foolish that I believe in your dreams and will help you fulfill them, even if you don’t believe in me and mine.

I am that foolish that I love without reserve.

I am that foolish that even when I have recognized that you don’t have my best interest at heart, if you’re hurting, I will try to help you.

I am that foolish that I will never stop believing in love.

I am that foolish.

Constantly Thinking...

End Note: I am proud to be that foolish because you know who else is that foolish? Jesus.

Heart-Sick Over Evil

Thinking about former friends and former loves today...with a bit of sadness in my heart.

This is one of those days when I miss what I thought we had... true love, true friendship, a real relationship.

I miss the friend I believed you were.

I miss the love that seemed real at the time.

I miss the closeness we seemed to share.

All I can say is it was real to me, then and now. If you were just playing, just toying with me, just using me and my love or my friendship, shame on you. That's kind of evil. You'll have to live with that.

What I felt was true. What I gave was real. My love, my friendship was sincere.

Of course, if I had to do it all over again, eyes wide open, knowing what I know now, I'd walk away before my heart ever became engaged, before I ever extended my friendship and my love to you.

The good thing is that I learned from it all so I have no regrets.

I've learned that there are really good sincere people out there. I've learned that there are true friends who know how to both give and take. I've learned that there are truly noble, faithful, wonderful men in the world.

People who are fakers, takers, insincere, liars, and cheaters try to convince you that everyone is that way. Here's a tip: They're wrong. The reason they think that is because that's their circle. Everyone they associate with... falls into their category. They're surrounded by people just like them.

That's their choice. I've chosen a different path.

I choose the path of sincerity, true friendship, faithfulness, truthfulness and love. It is because of that choice that my heart hurts today. My heart hurts for what I thought we had, what we could have had.

My heart is a muscle, though. It will heal and keep on loving.

Constantly Thinking...and making better choices...

If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It

Don't try to force friendships. True friendships are mutual and don't require it.

If you find yourself always taking the lead in your friendships or relationships (always making the first call, always sending the first text, always scheduling the dates), back off. When people value something, they let it be known.

The other thing to consider is that your role in those relationships may not be one of mutual friendship and value. You may be there to counsel the person, or be a lifeline - an encourager - to them when they need it. That's a great thing, as long as you recognize it. If you're expecting that behavior to be reciprocated and it isn't, you may get your feelings hurt.

If you're one of the people who tends to use people as counselors, but call them friends, you may need to re-evaluate, as well. Ask yourself if you'd still be "friends" with the person if they stopped being your sounding board for several months.

Most people have very few "mutually valued, mutually beneficial friendships" where they can both listen and share, lovingly counsel and receive loving counsel.

Almost all relationships have value. It's just important to realize what type of relationship you're in.

Constantly Thinking...

What They Don't Tell You...

They don’t tell the abused woman that once she finally gathers her strength and leaves that abusive man, there will still be days she will miss him and consider going back.

They don’t tell the undervalued employee that when they quit that dead-end job and follow their dreams, there will be incredibly difficult days ahead, and sometimes they’ll long to be back in that broken office chair at that dysfunctional company.

They don’t tell you that when you finally release that friend or family member or man or woman or church leader who didn’t value you, that you’ll still miss them terribly because even if they didn’t recognize your value, you recognized theirs.

They don’t tell you that not settling for the man who doesn’t value you as a wife and won’t marry you, doesn’t make you stop loving him.

They don’t tell you that being strong can still hurt.

All they tell you is how much better it will be. But better doesn’t always happen immediately. Sometimes you'll just be lonely or horny or impatient. At times you'll be so lonely, horny or impatient that it will make you want to walk backwards. Don't do it.

The rewards will come. Once you start valuing yourself, you will attract the people who value you, as well. But it’s a journey, it will take time, and there will be pain along the way.

Like a runner training for a marathon, or a person working out to lose 50 pounds, or a woman in labor, it’s a process. At some point, you’ll look back and say the journey was worth it; but in the midst of it, you may have to encourage yourself.

Keep your eye on the goal. Don’t look backwards toward the crap (lest you turn into a pillar of salt – LOL). Know your value.

Yes, there’s a possibility that the person or employer in your past is also part of your future. There's a chance that some of those relationships or jobs will be restored, but it will be with new people (same human, different character). You will have changed and so will they. Think Steve Jobs and Apple. It can happen, but not without internal change – on both sides.

Keep moving forward.

Constantly Thinking…

A Story of Stabbing

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Annie who had lots of friends.

All of her friends were wonderful. They were beautiful, intelligent and sensitive. Almost all of them had a great sense of humor, just like Annie.

Many of Annie’s friends had similar characteristics – they laughed often, enjoyed life and had a generally positive outlook. Annie also had some friends who were diamonds in the rough. Their greatness could only be seen by a few people, including Annie.

One of these friends, Marsha, had an interesting quirk. Every time Marsha came over to visit Annie, she would go into the kitchen, get the sharpest knife she could find, then stab Annie with it every few minutes or so. They weren’t very big stabs, most of the time – just enough to draw a little blood and leave a scab. But they stung quite a bit, sometimes for days or weeks afterwards.

This went on for years. Annie and Marsha would spend time together and Marsha would find a sharp knife and get a few stab jabs in.

Annie tried talking to Marsha about the stabbing. She explained that she didn’t really like it, and that it hurt. Marsha would always apologize and say she wouldn’t do it anymore. And sometimes she really would stop for a while. But she just couldn’t stay away from the knives, and before Annie knew it, she was being stabbed again.

No one could understand why Annie continued to be friends with Marsha. But Annie knew. Annie could see Marsha’s wonderfulness hidden underneath her strangely violent behavior. Marsha loved to tell stories about her life, and Annie liked to listen to them. They found many things to laugh at together. Of course, when Annie would start to share stories about her life, Marsha would use this time to stab her repeatedly. Annie realized it was best to just listen and not share. Even with that, most of the time, Annie enjoyed her time with Marsha. She felt the happy times outweighed the pain of the stabs.

But one day Marsha stabbed Annie so deeply that she ended up in the intensive care unit of the hospital. Recovery took several long weeks. The Doctor informed Annie that if she continued to be stabbed like this, it would cause major damage to her – both physical and psychological. He asked her why she’d allowed it to go on for so long. Annie told him about her friendship with Marsha. She shared how special and wonderful Marsha really was, aside from her penchant for stabbing those she cared about. The Doctor understood but explained that by allowing Marsha to stab her repeatedly she was reinforcing that behavior and causing her to do it more frequently.

Annie had never really thought about it that way before. By allowing it, she was unintentionally enabling and encouraging the stabbing from Marsha. Well, Annie had a lot of time to think about her friendship with Marsha while she was recovering in the hospital. She realized that she felt a lot better when she wasn’t being stabbed. She realized that if Marsha was really her friend, she wouldn’t stab her repeatedly. She believed Marsha cared about her – but she realized that Marsha wasn’t capable of being a loving friend without inflicting pain.

Marsha didn’t understand why Annie wouldn’t allow her to spend time with her anymore. Marsha felt really bad about stabbing Annie so deeply. She hadn’t meant to hurt her THAT badly. She really wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. She wanted to start visiting Annie again and maybe she would try not to stab her, or maybe she could just make little stabs that wouldn’t be that bad and wouldn’t hurt that much.

Once Annie got well, she forgave Marsha. She realized that Marsha probably couldn’t really help the way she was. She didn’t stab people to hurt them; she stabbed them to protect herself. Annie understood that, but decided it was time to protect herself, as well. She still really loved Marsha and she really missed the positive aspects of their friendship, but Annie decided to love Marsha from afar. She chose to listen to the Doctor and not allow Marsha to get close enough to stab her again.

Annie knew that trying to explain it to Marsha again wouldn’t work. She’d explained it so many times before. Annie hoped that one Marsha would just come to an understanding and change her stabbing behavior. Maybe then they could be friends again.

The end.