10 Dating Pitfalls for Single Christian Women

Not every match is a match made in heaven. Here are 10 dating pitfalls that I have frequently heard or observed single Christian women experiencing, and some of which I’ve experienced myself, unfortunately.

1) Assuming every man in church is saved

It would be wonderful if this was the case but, alas, it is not. Just because you meet a man in church doesn’t mean he’s a believer. I’ve heard more Christian women lament, “But I met him in church!” If you met a man in a hospital, it wouldn’t mean he was a doctor. If you met a man at the grocery store, it wouldn’t mean he knew how to cook. Just because a man is at church doesn’t mean he has a relationship with Jesus. He may be there for business reasons, or he could be scouting for good Christian women - with no positive intent in mind. Most importantly, he may be there because he’s trying to turn his life around – but hasn’t yet.

2) Assuming all good men are in church

Church is not the only place to meet a good man. Good men are everywhere. You can meet them at school, in the work place, through mutual friends, at a company or business you frequent. Sometimes they’re new to the area and haven’t found a church home yet. Sometimes they haven’t yet received Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and perhaps you’ll be the one who introduces them. Church is not a destination or pick-up spot for singles, it should be a foundational place of spiritual rejuvenation. Most of us meet people all day long in all of our business and personal dealings. Should a man assume you’re not a good woman because he didn’t meet you in church? I'm Christian all day long, wherever I am. My good man will be, too, regardless of where we end up meeting.

3) Assuming all men in church are good

Not all men who are in church and claim to be Christian are good men (or even Christian men). They may be a new believer whose spirit has not yet been renewed – so they still engage in criminal or other destructive behavior. Or, they may be a Judas – someone who knows the truth, and hangs around with Jesus, but whose heart is hardened. They may be someone who’s living a double life – a man who’s looking to have a Christian wife and family as a façade so that he can still appear to be a pillar and man of integrity to his friends, family and community – but really he’s on the DL, or he’s a serial adulterer, or he’s a child molester. It sounds extreme, but I’m personally aware of all of these things happening to Christian women.

4) Forgetting you’re an ambassador for Christ and compromising yourself emotionally and physically

Christian single women can become unintentional hypocrites when their heart gets involved. You proclaim you’re holy and abstaining, but once you get involved with that fine smooth talker, your flesh gets enflamed and you find yourself saying one thing but engaging in another. Ladies, a good man will never put you in a compromising position – regardless of whether he’s a believer or not. It’s common for men to say (and women to believe), “Well, if you’re putting it out there, we’re going to take it.” All men don’t feel that way. That’s a fallacy. There are good men out there who will walk away even from a woman who’s throwing herself at him. And that’s what we need to do, walk away from a man who encourages us to compromise ourselves. If you were a US ambassador to a foreign country, could someone in that country convince you to break every law and act in an unbecoming way that would cause you to lose your ambassadorship? If they tried, wouldn’t you walk away from them? As Christians, we are all ambassadors for Christ. We should walk away from anyone who would try to get us to compromise our position. That doesn’t just apply to singles, or women, it applies to all Christians.

5) Falling prey to false prophets

Many Christian women are tragically naïve when approached by men who say they’re Christian. There are men who will pursue you, knowing you’re a Christian, and say God told them you were supposed to be together. Women automatically believe them because they used God’s name, and therefore, naïvely neglect to check out the man’s character. Even the demons didn’t buy it when some false prophets tried to use Jesus’ name. (Acts 19:13-16) Why do we, who claim to know Jesus and who, as His sheep, should recognize His voice, fall prey to men who invoke His name? A young woman I know, fell prey to an ex-con with no job, an abusive past, and a host of other women he was sleeping with, because he told her that God said she was supposed to be his – and she believed him. I asked her if she believed that I would fix her up with a man like that. She said no – that if he’d used MY name, she would have known he was lying because I’d never send her a man like that. I told her that meant she knew my voice and character more than she knew God’s. She needed to spend more time with God so she would know His voice, His character and the kind of man He’d send her. No one should be able to dupe us, as Christians, by using God’s name as a character reference.

6) Believing God will make the forbidden apple “unforbidden” just for you

Once we’ve found ourselves attracted to and/or involved with the wrong man, we begin praying to God to make him the right man. We envision ourselves as David’s Bathsheba – it started off wrong, but then became right when they ended up becoming Solomon’s parents. Maybe, just maybe, God will bless our mess, too. He won’t. David and Bathsheba’s mess caused the death of two people – her husband and their child. There is a price to pay for being out of order with God. The forbidden apple is forbidden for a reason.  Gather your strength, walk away and repent before even greater destruction occurs.

7) Sending mixed messages

Christian women dress in provocative clothing and pick up men at the club; or take scantily clad pictures and post them on online dating sights. They present themselves as one type of woman to capture a man’s attention, then they try to spring on him that they’re really a good Christian girl. Many men will just walk away when they realize they’ve been duped. However, for those who don’t, all your “mixed message” behavior tells him is that even though you may go to church, you are absolutely willing to compromise your Christian principles to be with a man. He knows, at some point, he’ll be able to get anything he wants.

8) Assuming every man who approaches you was sent by God

Many Christian women look at every single man they meet and think, “Could he be the one??” I’m sorry to say, most are not. How could every man possibly be sent by God? And you don’t have to test them all out either. Use your discernment and decline some approaches. You do not have to say yes to every man who asks you out or asks for your number - and that's not being unkind or judgmental, it's being wise.

I recently realized that I relied more on my dating discernment skills before I was saved than after I got saved. Before I was saved, if someone even smelled funny, he didn’t make the cut. Once I was saved, however, I ignored the red flags that even the Holy Spirit was sending to me. I entered into relationships that sent my spirit into a tailspin because I repeatedly heard – “Maybe it’s not them, maybe you’re just being judgmental.” I didn't just hear that from others or only from the men who wanted me to give them a chance, I said it to myself, as well.

Ladies, we have a discerning spirit for a reason. If we don’t listen to it before our heart gets engaged, we will most assuredly experience heartache.

9) Assuming every man who approaches you was sent by the devil

Just as all men you meet aren’t good men, all men you meet aren’t evil either. I know some women who think any man who approaches them must be after one thing, one wrong thing. They feel like God Himself will place the right man in their life, miraculously, at the right time. One day, they’ll just wake up married. Um, no. It doesn’t work like that. Men – good ones and bad ones – will approach you, and should. It’s up to you to determine how to respond, by listening to the Holy Spirit inside of you.

When you realize you’re not compatible with a man, that doesn’t mean he’s Satan’s spawn. It just means he’s meant for someone else. Yes, there will be counterfeits who try to get our attention or capture our heart for the wrong reasons but, again, that’s why we have discernment. If we follow our spirit – versus our flesh, brain or heart – we will know which men deserve our attention and which ones don’t.

10) Assuming you’re compatible and equally yoked with any and all Christian men

Many Christian single women don’t realize that even though someone may wear the Christian label, they may still be unequally yoked with you. This is, by far, the biggest pitfall in my opinion. “Christian” is huge category, that people mistakenly seem to think covers or includes all that is good and right and compatible with us. We don’t do that with any other characteristic. The thinking seems to be: He’s Christian, therefore he’s perfect. He’s Christian, therefore he thinks and acts just like you do. He’s Christian, therefore his purpose and beliefs, child-rearing opinions, political views, money management skills, husband ability, work ethic, etc., etc. are just like yours. That is NOT true.

Would you say that about anything else? He’s a Republican, therefore you two will be perfect for each other. He’s from France and so are you, therefore you two will be perfect for each other. He has a job, and so do you, therefore you will be perfect for each other. He walks upright and so do you, therefore you must be a match made in heaven.

When the Bible talks about being equally yoked, it doesn’t just mean Christian vs. non-Christian. The Bible talks about different belief systems even within the Christian faith. It talks about levels of faith. It talks about meat vs. milk. Equally yoked applies to all of that.
At most, being Christian is a starting point. The same way “he’s male, I’m female” is a starting point. Okay, we have the basics out of the way, now let’s look at the rest of the character.

To that end, don’t try to fit or force men who are unequally yoked into your Christian image – even if you’re both Christian. It won’t work and it will just frustrate both of you.

As you mature and prepare yourself for being in a strong, loving, life-long relationship, remember that the selection process is the most important thing before entering into covenant. If you can avoid some of the above pitfalls, it can save you a literal lifetime of heart ache.

Constantly Thinking...about relationships...

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This blog deals, specifically, with some of the pitfalls and incorrect thinking that Christian single women deal face because I have found some challenges to be unique to them. However, most of the time when I speak to, counsel and address women (single or married) their religious beliefs have little or no bearing on the issues of the heart.

If you’re teaching someone how to swim or ride a bike, it doesn’t matter what their religious beliefs are. Some things are just fundamental. Most of my relationship counseling is based on the fundamental issues.

Have You Lost Your Mind?! (The Perils of Facebook)

Picture this…

1) You’ve been invited by a dear friend to a small, exclusive dinner party. You attend and have a wonderful time. The next day, you see your friend at a huge “family and friends” reunion celebration. You ask the deejay for the microphone and announce publicly and loudly, “Thank you, my dear friend, for inviting me to your private dinner party last night! I had a great time! Too bad all of you weren’t invited, as well!” You smile at the end of your announcement and hand the mic back to the deejay.

2) While at a mall, you see a married man that you know slightly from church. You almost never speak to him, and see him even less frequently. You walk up to him and, with a wink, poke him in his side. He turns around and looks at you, shocked. So you poke him again and whisper, “It’s okay. Your wife can’t see me doing this.” From that moment on, every time you see him at the mall or the grocery store, you walk up to him, wink, and poke him (but only when his wife can’t see you).

3) You arrive at school and a girl you barely know walks up to you and tells you, “I had oatmeal and green juice for breakfast.” She flips her phone around and shows you a picture of it. It’s fairly disgusting. Then she stands there and waits for you to respond. When you don’t, she starts to get angry. “Don’t you LIKE oatmeal and green juice??”

You say, “Uh, not really.”

She replies, “Well, don’t you like ME?”

You say, “Uh, yeah, sure.”

She stomps her feet, “Then why don’t you say it?! Say you like me! Say it! Say LIKE when I tell you what I ate for breakfast!”

You stare at her, shocked.

“Fine! Then I don’t want to be your friend anymore!” she stomps away.

4) You’re at the airport when you hear an announcement, “My name is John Smith and I like women with big butts! Please look at the monitor if you want to see which kinds of big butted-women I like.”

5) While at the gym, you call and text all of your friends, family members, co-workers, associates, fellow churchgoers, and their friends and tell them, “I’m at the gym…getting it in.” Some don’t respond; some say, “Great! I LIKE that.” When you leave the gym and head to the grocery store, you call and text them all again and let them know where you are and what groceries you’re buying. Later, when you get home and cook dinner, you send them all a picture of what you ate (and forward a picture of your dinner to your local newspaper). One of your cousin’s friends responds to your picture of your dinner and asks if they can come over and eat some with you. You’re appalled at the audacity of their request. They don’t know you that well!

6) You see one of your friends at Target in an old t-shirt and scummy jeans, with hair a mess and no make-up on. She says she just ran in to get cold and flu medicine for her sick child. When she’s not looking you pull out your camera and take a picture of her, then email it to the Los Angeles Times for all to see. You send her a copy for her records, of course.

7) A husband and wife are at Disneyland, standing in line for Space Mountain. She turns to several people in line behind her and says, “I think my husband is insensitive when he doesn’t bring me flowers once a week.” In retaliation, the husband says, “If she stopped turning me down in bed every few days, I might bring her more flowers.” Then they both ask the line-standers, “What do you think?”

They all start responding, “I think you should have sex with him more often.” “I think he’s a jerk for not bringing you flowers.” “I’ll take him off your hands if you don’t want him.” “Only stupid women want flowers.” “Men are dogs who only want one thing. Dump him.”

****

People do all of these things (and more!) on Facebook and other social media as if it’s okay. It’s not okay!

Here are the general rules for social media (which should be common sense because they apply when we’re dealing with people face to face):

1) Don’t publicly thank people for an invitation-only event you attended. And don’t announce you’re going in advance if it’s not a public event. It’s insensitive not only to those who weren’t invited but to your host, who now has to field comments, questions and hurt feelings from the uninvited. Don’t post pictures from those events either. That’s the exact same thing! Hosts: because people have poor social media etiquette skills, you must now announce that no FB or Instagram posting will be allowed from your exclusive event.

2) Poking people is creepy and weird if you’re not close personal friends or in a relationship.

3) You can announce or post pictures of what you ate for breakfast or dinner if you want to, but don’t be offended when everyone doesn’t publicly like them. Don’t be offended when creepy stalker friends ask for a dinner invitation either – since you’re broadcasting your culinary skills.

4) Be aware that when you like porn photos, profanity-laden comics, or racially/politically offensive posts, everyone on Facebook is notified in their newsfeed. If you’re trying to convince people that you’re a good guy, a nice girl or a wholesome kid, while clicking “Like” on every ratchet twerking, half-naked, big butted picture you see, you’re failing…epically. We know who you are.

5) You are welcome to let everyone know where you’re going, where you are, and where you’ve been – but, just so you know, it can be dangerous – and most people don’t really care. It also creates FB stalkers and creepy encounters… “I saw you went to the store last night. I tried to get there while you were there, but I guess I missed you…” (Creepy)

6) Don’t take, post or tag people in photos without their permission. Period. That’s obnoxious.

7) Don’t air your dirty relationship laundry on Facebook or other social media sites. Respect your mate and deal with them directly. When you see someone’s dirty laundry being posted, don’t comment on it. You’re adding to the problem. If they really want or need advice, let them call you or send you a personal message. People who broadcast relationship issues are emotionally immature and shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first place. People who comment on them are instigators who need to stay out of folks’ business.

Listen, folks, if you know better than to do or say these things in public, what makes you think it’s okay to write or share them on Facebook – or any other social media site? Get it together and monitor your online behavior.

Constantly Thinking…and shaking my head!

How the Grinch Stole Authority

I was a twenty-something Black woman working in an executive position in the South. I had a younger, twenty-something, White, cheerleader-type woman working as my assistant. She was eager to be in an executive role. So eager, in fact, that she frequently over-stepped her bounds and would make (or attempt to make) executive decisions and on-the-record, but unauthorized, comments to high-profile media - always to "take the load off" me, or so she claimed.

I'm all about training, so I would frequently take her with me when meeting media or business associates so that she would have the opportunity to watch and learn. When they'd see us come in together, they'd immediately walk up to her, smile broadly and say, "You must be Connie St. John." She would just smile coyly and bat her eyelashes, remaining silent. Never would it occur to her to honor me as her boss and politely introduce me.

I would have to smile and say, "No, I'M Connie St. John," and extend my hand in greeting.

They'd blink several times and then respond with, "Oh, then this must be your boss?" extending their hand to her instead. Again, she'd smile and soak it all in, shaking their hand confidently, as though she really was my boss.

"Uh, no," I'd reply. "This is my assistant."

They'd look at me like I was joking, and then proceed to direct all business conversation to her instead of me. She'd go right along with them, attempting to field questions as though she was actually the executive she so desperately wanted to be.

At times, I would pointedly redirect the associate's attention with, "You know, when I HIRED 'Sally' (not her real name) as my ASSISTANT..." Or interrupt my assistant with, "'Sally,' you make an interesting point, but it's incorrect, because you're not yet experienced enough to know how it should be handled. That's why, as my ASSISTANT, you're here to observe."

Oftentimes, however, I would just observe the exchange in fascination, watching as she, incorrectly and without authority, would attempt to play the role of director.

Later, privately, I would check her on it, letting her know it was disrespectful to me as her boss, and remind her that she was not authorized nor experienced enough YET to operate in that capacity. Of course, she would be overly contrite, "I don't know what came over me. I completely got ahead of myself. I'm so sorry. You know I'd never disrespect you. I think you're the best boss, and I love working for you." Blah blah blah...

It was absolutely infuriating!

However, I could tell it wasn't just about her. I knew I needed to work on me, not just my executive skills but my executive attitude. I knew that wrestling her (or anyone) for authority or belittling her publicly wasn't the way to exude authority, nor was it in my personality.

The rage I felt when it happened, however, let me know I needed to figure it out, and quickly.

So, I prayed. Then, suddenly, two things happened.

The first was a vision. I was reading the scripture about Jesus washing the disciples' feet. I'd read it many times, but this time I saw something different. I envisioned Jesus washing Peter's feet, and as He did so, someone walked in - not knowing which man was Jesus and which was Peter.

If they were just to observe the situation - the position, the servitude - they could understandably (but incorrectly) make the assumption that Peter (whose feet were being washed) was Jesus.

If they did, I knew that Jesus wouldn't jump up and say, "I'm Jesus! I'm the Boss! I'm the Messiah! I fed the 5,000. You know, when I CALLED Peter..."

Even if Peter was so bold and rude and disrespectful as to let the ignorant man believe He was Jesus, Jesus still wouldn't attempt to wrestle His authority back from Peter.

True Authority doesn't need to be wrestled.

As I was letting this sink in, I witnessed true Authority in action.

One morning, I was walking into the company I worked for, along with the president of our division, a woman I greatly respected (and still do). We were both arriving very early so the receptionist wasn't in yet. As we walked past the receptionist's desk, chatting to each other, the phone rang. Without even hesitating, the president leaned over and answered it, "Good morning, ABC Company." (Not the real company name) She listened a moment and said, "Sure, let me transfer you."

I was slack-jawed.

This was THE PRESIDENT! She just answered the receptionist's phone. That wasn't the big deal. It was that she didn't identify herself as the president when she did so. That meant that the person on the other end of the line would have assumed they were talking to... the receptionist !! not the President, with all her authority. And that didn't faze her, as president, one bit.

I felt like The Grinch, standing there trying to make sense of it all:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

And then Connie, with her director title, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? She answered without her title. She answered without her name. She answered without pomp or circumstance or shame. And Connie puzzled and puzzled 'till her puzzler was sore. Then Connie thought of something she hadn't before. What if Authority, she thought, isn't gained by a war. What if Authority, perhaps, means a little bit more.

I realized that day that our President, answering the receptionist's phone, was confident in her authority. Her title didn't change when she answered that phone. Her paycheck wasn't reduced because she transferred a call. Her executive responsibilities and position remained the same.

And, in that moment, I had peace. In that moment, I truly understood and embraced authority. Authority, like true leadership, is not something to be wrestled, boasted about or proven. You either have it, or you don't.

Since that day, I have never concerned myself with trying to claim credit on a project. I don't try to over-talk attention hogs at meetings. I don't push for introductions, nor introduce myself by my title or accomplishments.

I know who I am, what I've done, what my responsibilities are, and what authority I have (or don't have).

Through this blog, that President, my friend and role model, is finding out for the first time how she changed my professional life for the better. Thank you, SG. You continue to be an inspiration and a role model.

Constantly Thinking....