The 10 Most Important Life Lessons I've Learned (So Far)

Here are the 10 most important life lessons I've learned so far (and I'm still learning).

1. Don't give your word unless you can keep it. When you have to break your word, tell them before they can tell you. Being honest and up front shows your integrity.
2. Love without reserve. Preserve the relationships you cherish. When you really care about someone, choosing to preserve the relationship rather than winning every argument, shows how much you really care. Be willing to be vulnerable. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you know how to love. Your willingness to love and be vulnerable should always be stronger than your pride.
3.  Your job as a parent is the most important job you'll ever have. You're helping to form a life. Don't assume that teachers, peers or family members can do your teaching and loving for you. Your goal as a parent should be to prepare your children for life without you. Don't cripple them by over- or under-parenting.
4.  Never date a married man. Unless he's your husband. Then date him as often as you can! If you happen to fall in love with a married man, walk away. Preserve his marriage and your good character.
5. Take care of the body you have. It's the only one you'll get. Even when it's bigger or smaller than you prefer, love your body like it's a gift. That not only shows your confidence, it's very attractive to the opposite sex. Men may think they have a physical type, but a woman confident about her body and comfortable in her own skin, regardless of size, is attractive to most men.
6. Be the team. Relationships are all about knowing and believing you're part of a team. You two have to have each other's back. No one should be allowed to get in between you. Never speak ill of your mate to other people. It only makes you look bad.
7. Learn to apologize with no excuses. A simple, "I am so sorry" goes a long way. Recognize that when you're really sorry, you don't do it again.
8. Learn to rebound quickly. We all make mistakes. It's a part of life. If you screw up, and you will, pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Repent or apologize if you have to. Then start all over again. How long it takes you to rebound shows your resilience.
9. Do what's right rather than what's easy. Rest assured, sometimes easy is right, but not often. What's right is rarely about the right now. Have vision and think past the right now.
10. Live in and appreciate the present. Don't wish for what will be or long for what was - at least not to the point where you can't appreciate the gift of now. Savor every experience, every relationship, every job, while you have it. It will end at some point. Living in the present shows your ability to be content.

Constantly Thinking...

Integrity: The Gold Standard

I recently chose not to do business with someone due to a lack of integrity. They had the skill set, the experience, the ability to get the job done. However, they misrepresented themselves personally and professionally. Recognizing that, I chose not to put my well-being in the hands of someone I couldn’t fully trust, because if anything went wrong I couldn’t honestly say it was a surprise.

That was me using my intuition, paying attention to red flags. Too often I’ve ignored them or over-ruled them with logic or emotion. These days, however, I’ve turned up the volume and I listen when I get that warning tap on the shoulder.

If companies won't hire someone with poor character and lack of integrity - as revealed by a poor interview, bad references and a failed background check - why would I do business with them?

Having integrity does not mean being perfect. It doesn’t mean never making mistakes, bad choices or even misspeaking. We all do those things.

Integrity means owning up to your words or actions. Integrity means being man or woman enough to admit when you were wrong, you messed up, or you chose poorly.

Integrity is about strength, not weakness.

Integrity means making the right play most of the time versus making the easy play or the self-interested, damaging to others play.

Integrity is about character and trust.

People with integrity tend to surround themselves with others who are like-minded and have similar character. The same is true in the reverse.

When you find yourself dealing with someone of poor character and a lack of integrity, separate yourself quickly.

If you find yourself surrounded by people with bad character and no integrity, take a look in the mirror. You may either be a “mark” (preyed on by that type) or a compatriot (defined as: a friend or colleague: someone who belongs to the same group or organization as someone else).

In the case above, I smelled their lack of integrity and moved on…quickly.

Constantly Thinking...

Silent Victim Mentality - NO MORE!

Being honest, even when requested, has caused me to lose more relationships than I ever anticipated.

At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own survival and growth.

I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why would I not want to be honest with myself?

Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.

When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl. 

Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.

It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.

In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that. I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in general, good men, great men even.

But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men – the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”

Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are, maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."

Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve grown stronger.

I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have been honest.

The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.

But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.

It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.

As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.

I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life. 

I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.

Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.

I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.

A whole new world has opened to me.

Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.

Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…

P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.