At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve
done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own
survival and growth.
I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink
away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why
would I not want to be honest with myself?
Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a
life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a
child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and
neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out
about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.
When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that
mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar
in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I
largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to
tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl.
Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in
fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as
part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and
sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.
It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually
see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.
In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships
plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that.
I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t
exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in
general, good men, great men even.
But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men
– the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose
self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to
receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I
attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A
victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize
the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so
wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”
Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I
attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice
mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It
happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are,
maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I
attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that
reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or
physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with
friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."
Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are
wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and
encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not
jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve
grown stronger.
I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not
knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and
belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter
of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were
hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation
that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I
was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I
shouldn’t have been honest.
The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and
abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them
for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.
But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as
her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest
relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release
the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to
become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off
my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.
It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a
child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.
As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from
the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be
able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.
I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life.
I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.
Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.
I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.
A whole new world has opened to me.
Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.
Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.
Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…
... and growing and healing and becoming…
P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.
