Silent Victim Mentality - NO MORE!

Being honest, even when requested, has caused me to lose more relationships than I ever anticipated.

At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own survival and growth.

I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why would I not want to be honest with myself?

Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.

When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl. 

Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.

It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.

In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that. I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in general, good men, great men even.

But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men – the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”

Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are, maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."

Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve grown stronger.

I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have been honest.

The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.

But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.

It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.

As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.

I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life. 

I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.

Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.

I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.

A whole new world has opened to me.

Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.

Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…

P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.

The Eeyore Syndrome

So many people today are suffering from a victim mentality, and they’re absolutely miserable. Life seems to happen TO them not because of them. I believe many people with a victim mentality are also pessimists. It would be one thing to be a person who believed life happened to you, and fantastic luck and great opportunities always fell into your lap. But most victim mentality people expect and, consequently, find themselves in all sorts of unfortunate events and circumstances. Like Eeyore.

Let me stop a moment and say, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do have heightened observation skills based on my work.

From observation (and from study), I know that people with a victim mentality are usually the way they are because they were not properly validated or affirmed as children. Many times they were abandoned, abused or neglected by their parents or caregivers. Many times they were actually victimized as children.

My heart goes out to them. I understand how they feel because I could have been one of them. For a brief time, I was one of them. I was victimized. I, however, was fortunate enough to have an amazingly wise mentor who taught me that everything I was and everything I was to become was a choice. She repeated it until I got it. It’s a choice. It’s not the circumstances. It’s my choice on how I respond to those circumstances. It took years of her telling me again and again until I believed it (fortunately, they were childhood years).

So, yes, my empathy for those who are stuck in the victim mentality is real. But to them I say the same thing I was told: “It’s a choice.”

I have noticed several common traits in people who have a victim mentality.

Nothing is ever their fault.

Something or someone always causes them to be in the situation they’re in.

They can’t apologize.

Why would you apologize if you never feel you’re to blame? When a rare apology is offered, it’s either way lame (“I’m sorry for the way you feel”) or way overboard (“I must truly be a horrible person…”).

They can’t accept compliments.

You would think that since they lacked validation, they’d love getting compliments – and a part of them does. The issue is that they don’t actually believe them. Remember, they never received validation (or enough of it) so it’s foreign to them. When they receive it, it’s unfamiliar so they reject it.

They truly believe they can’t help it.

“I couldn’t help it” is a frequent phrase uttered by those with a victim mentality. They can’t help their temper. They can’t help saying the first thing that pops into their head. They can’t help that they’re so sensitive (to themselves) or insensitive (to others). They can’t help pushing people away.

They frequently ask others for advice, but for the wrong reasons.

They ask for advice not necessarily because they intend to take it, but because they want validation from someone else for the decisions they’ve already made. That way if things don’t work out, they can say someone else suggested it, or at least agreed with them.

They have frequent mood swings (in other words, they’re moody).

They’re up, they’re down, they’re happy, they’re sad – all within in a 30-minute period. When something seems to go their way, they’re thrilled. When something goes awry, it’s personal.

They often feel alone in their world.
People with a victim mentality believe that no one ever helps them, and they'll tell you this each and every time you help them. Many of them believe they have no friends, and they'll say to their actual friends, unknowingly hurting their feelings in the process. They believe that no one wants to be around them, and will feel alone even in group gatherings that they've been lovingly and eagerly asked to attend. Remember, it's a mentality, not a reality.

They remember events by negative triggers, shortcomings and offenses.
"That was the event where no one spoke to me for the first 10 minutes." "That was the day that man at the grocery store looked at me strangely." "That was the event where I looked really stupid in my orange hat, but no one told me."

They’re easily offended.

Words or actions that don’t offend others, offend them. They frequently perceive that people are giving them strange looks, or overlooking them. They’re constantly assessing situations for a possible offense, and frequently feel picked on and judged. Because they’ve been victimized in the past (without healing), they’re always expecting to be victimized again.

They believe life is against them.

They believe that circumstances are designed to make life harder for them. They don’t make the connection that where they are in life is a result of their own choices. They don’t even consciously realize they’re constantly making choices.

Dealing with people who have a victim mentality can be like trying to walk on eggshells without breaking them. It’s frequently a no win situation. If you give them too much attention or information, they think you’re being patronizing or condescending or putting them under a microscope. If you give them too little, they think you’re ignoring or withholding something from them.

I’ve found that the best way for me to deal with people who have a victim mentality is first to be patient with them.  I’ve walked in their shoes, so this is not difficult for me.

Be honest with them, but not cruel. Don’t sugarcoat or forgo things that need to be said, just choose your wording wisely.

If they truly have good qualities (and they likely have many – otherwise, why bother?), enjoy those and let them know that you do.

Don’t abandon them when they push you away (and they will).

Don’t absorb their issues, including not being moved by their moodiness. It’s not personal.

Don’t try to fix them. Too much advice giving and you become their scapegoat.

Don’t join them on their victim bandwagon. When they start lamenting that the world (their boss, their friends, their parents, their kids, their spouse) is against them, don’t agree.

Keep a good sense of humor handy. Laughter and a positive perspective frequently help lift their mood.

If you’re an optimist, as I am, allow your life to be an example to them. The way you handle challenges and disappointments will be noticed.

Finally, pray for them – that their eyes would be opened to who they really are. As long as they’re still breathing, there’s still hope.