Silent Victim Mentality - NO MORE!

Being honest, even when requested, has caused me to lose more relationships than I ever anticipated.

At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own survival and growth.

I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why would I not want to be honest with myself?

Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.

When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl. 

Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.

It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.

In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that. I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in general, good men, great men even.

But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men – the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”

Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are, maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."

Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve grown stronger.

I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have been honest.

The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.

But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.

It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.

As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.

I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life. 

I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.

Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.

I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.

A whole new world has opened to me.

Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.

Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…

P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.

The Truth About Success

Joseph (in the Bible) shared a prophetic dream of power and success and got thrown into a well by his brothers. A homeless “man with a golden voice” is discovered by a videographer and even strangers support him in his success.

Why is it that some people are happy for others’ success and others seem to be intimidated by it? Based on a lifetime of professional and personal success and a few epic failures, I have made several observations about people who support you when you're up, kick you while you're down, or attempt to "knock you down a peg" whenever possible.

Let’s first take a look at who makes up the group of success supporters.

Who Does Your Success Benefit?

• Your children – Your success benefits your children basically because they get more benefits
• Your spouse (usually) – Unless you have an insecure or competitive spouse, your success will typically benefit him or her
• Your employees and potential employees – When you get paid, so do they. There’s a direct benefit here. For potential employees, your success means they may be offered a job at some point.
• Your clients – Being represented by or contracting with a successful company or business leader gives you credibility
• People you pay and regularly visit or use their services (stylist, fashion consultant, trainer) – Similar to employees, when you get paid, so do they. It’s a bit more indirect than employees, but there’s a benefit nonetheless. Their business counts on you and others like you being able to afford them.
• People who are inspired by or believe in themselves based on your success – This is the category that supported the man with the golden voice. People were inspired. This category also includes people you mentor, or people who admire you from afar.
• Your financial investors – Your financial investors are literally counting on your success.
• Your emotional or professional coaches (those who have invested time and wisdom into you) – Your success benefits your coaches on two different levels: 1) An emotional level from contributing positively to someone’s life; 2) A credibility level – their words, advice and wisdom are valuable.

With any of the people in this group, feel free to share your success. They will be almost as thrilled as you are.

Now let’s take a look at the success detractors.

Who Does Your Success Intimidate?

• Those who are jealous of or compete with you – Typically, if you’re competing with someone in some or fashion – not necessarily for the same job or opportunity, but just in general – these people will not pleased with your success. This may be a “keep up with the Joneses” type of friend who always one-ups you when you talk about something positive in your life.
• Those who feel that your success somehow takes away from their own, even if it’s in a completely different area – There are those who believe there are a limited number of positive opportunities. For every one that you get, that’s one less for them.
• Those who are insecure – Some people think so little of themselves that they would never even reach for success. They can be close to you when you’re struggling, but when you start to succeed, you simply point out their failure or lack. They can’t support you.
• Those who can or will only support the underdog – There are actually people in the world who think that successful people are evil, just because they’re successful. They assume (sometimes correctly, oftentimes incorrectly) that for you to succeed you must have stepped on some poor soul. Therefore, they can’t support you in your success, just on GP.
• Those who just don’t like you – Like Joseph’s brothers, there will be people who despise you for your success. There will be people who just despise you, period. They want nothing but to see you fail or struggle. Your success infuriates them.

If your family or friends fall into this group, be wiser than Joseph was, and don’t call them to share your success. They’ll notice it anyway. If you share it with them, they’ll only think of it as bragging (and you may get thrown into a well).

People can actually be in both the Success Supporters and the Success Detractors groups at the same time. Your success can benefit someone who despises you. When you become highly successful, it’s sometimes hard to tell which category people are in. They can all “sound” like supporters.

Pay attention to the nuances, listen to the tone, observe the body language, and note the word choice.  Some key phrases to be mindful of are:

• I’m happy for you.
• How nice for you.
• Good for you. (Pretty much any “for you” phrase is a red flag.)
• Really? Wow. (with no exclamation point)
• That’s great. (with nothing following)

Too much insincere gushing is also a red flag. It usually includes the phrases above, but with “Oh my gosh!” added in front of it.

There is one other category of people that I’ve observed.

There are those who are thrilled with your success just because they love you. It’s not that they benefit personally from your success. It’s that they benefit from your happiness and contentment. Your happiness simply makes them happy. A wonderful spouse, great children, supportive family and true friends can also fall into this category.

This, of course, is the best category. 

Which group do you fall into most frequently? Can you be happy for other people’s success?

I’m Constantly Thinking…

THE HARD SELL

Have you ever been at the car dealership and had a car salesman try to sell you a car you didn’t really want? It may have even happened that he convinced you to buy that unwanted car. Perhaps he said it was all you could afford or all your poor credit could qualify for. Perhaps he sold you on some of the features that you had to admit were kind of cool. When you got it home, however, you realized you didn’t really love it, but now you were tied to that car for, likely, three or more years.

Have you ever gone to someone else’s favorite restaurant at their insistence, only to realize that the food there, in your opinion, wasn’t all that delicious? It was just average at best, not really to your taste or liking. But you ate it anyway. It was, after all, sustenance. Plus, you didn’t want to offend your friend.

Have you ever gone to a movie you didn’t really want to see because your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, good friends all wanted to see it? Sure enough, the movie was basically a dud. Not really your cup of tea, but you sat through it.

Before you say it (or think it) – I know that all of these situations can happen in the reverse, as well. You end up loving the car, the restaurant, the movie. I’m not talking about those instances right now, however.

Before I make my point, we need to look at some different scenarios.

Have you ever accompanied a good friend or family member as they shopped for a car? As you joined them for a test ride, you realized you absolutely loved the Toyota they were considering. You loved the features. It likely fit in your budget, too. Or, have you just ridden in someone’s car and thought, “I like this. I think this will be my next car.”

Have you ever heard a friend repeatedly discuss their favorite restaurant and the dish they absolutely love to order there? Finally, you ask when the two of you can go there together. When you do, you fall in love with the place and the food, as well.

Have you ever heard your sweet love or good friend talk about the movie that changed their life? Curious, you decide one day to rent it, and it has an almost identical effect on you.

Which scenarios have the greatest, longest lasting impact? Usually, those when you’re free to choose – apart from the hard sell. Choice is all powerful.

I know most of you reading this are probably thinking I’m going to take this into a spiritual or religious place. And I could. It does actually reflect my beliefs and behavior when it comes to “hard selling” Christianity. I don’t do it. I show my beliefs through my walk and my words. For me, that intrigues and attracts more people than I ever could by attempting to hard sell them through fear of fire and brimstone, or promises of goodness and riches. I let my life speak for itself. In my opinion, that was the example Jesus gave us. He offered us His way, but He didn’t force it. God gives us a choice – the choice to accept or reject Him – but he loves us either way.

However, spirituality is not even where I’m going with this. J

Here’s the thing – it has repeatedly broken my heart that wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful and loving people are being blinded by the lure of network, multi-level, pyramid-style marketing. These “hard sell” businesses that transform every friend, family member, co-worker and stranger into a mark – and destroy relationships – are infiltrating our society at an alarming rate.

What’s frightening is that they frequently target believers by using a lot of Christian jargon, taglines and concepts. “The Lord wants you to provide for your family.” They frequently target minorities because we’re desperate for success and that elusive financial security.

However, from a Christian perspective, the fruit of this work is destruction, and only one adversary has the objective “to kill, steal and destroy.” From a minority business perspective, the statistics show that millionaires (or even moderately successful participants) in these types of businesses are no more abundant – even less, actually – than if you got an education and moved up the corporate ladder.

Years and years ago, I lost a very, very dear and close friend to one of these businesses. His participation also destroyed his family.  He had been one of the most amazing, upstanding, role model, family men I’d ever known in my life. He changed my life, and helped heal and guide me through the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. He was truly an amazing man. I introduced him to every single person I knew – and everyone – male and female – felt exactly the same way.

He had been a light, a mighty Kingdom warrior in the faith, an incredibly successful businessman who was known, loved and respected by people all over the country. However, when he got caught up in a multi-level marketing business, he discarded every single relationship he ever had, including me. Anyone who didn’t buy from him or become part of his “down-line” was no longer worthy to socialize with him because, clearly, they didn’t support him.

Ironically, he became snagged and snared into the pyramid business first by his faith and the “faith-full” jargon that was used. They lured him in by telling him he’d be able to take care of his family so much better with a business all his own (although, of course, it’s their business, not his). They convinced him that he could work it hard, make a fortune, then retire to spend time with his family and do good for the church. He bought in.

The desire to fulfill his Godly purpose was soon replaced by the pursuit of the always unreachable, unattainable carrot. Faith words, when not used as weapons toward others who wouldn’t participate, were discarded from his life and behavior.

It baffles me, frankly. These are brilliant, sensitive people who used to value relationships above all else. Now, all they value – all they talk about – is the business. Everything and everyone is looked at through the lens of more customers, clients, partners, or down-line associates.

The Hard Sell becomes king. “Share your business with as many people as you can, because the more you share, the greater the chance of getting someone to buy in.”

The leaders of the companies know, understand and use Biblical truths to their advantages. “Faith comes by hearing…” so they stay in their associates’ ears with multiple calls and conferences each week. They constantly dangle the carrot, frequently espousing its value and deliciousness – making their associates salivate with longing. Just two more associates under them and they’ll be at the Diamond level. They can almost taste it!

“Sell! Sell! Sell!” the leaders exclaim! Except they don’t really say “sell,” they say “hold presentations.” They also don’t like any of the names used for the business model – pyramid, network marketing, multi-level marketing – so it changes frequently.

Every company is the best – different from all the rest, they’ll say. “How we do it is completely different from how those other companies do it.”

(sigh)

The reality is that I am losing loved ones at a rapid rate. They have been talked into believing that Hard Sell is the way. They have been blinded and mind-controlled into thinking that relationships only matter when evaluated under the lens of the company that controls them. No one matters if they’re not participating. And even those who are their colleagues in the business are adversaries. The in-fighting and competition among those who should be in collaboration is reminiscent of Satan’s demons, all jockeying for position.

Addiction, Lust and Multi-level Marketing (which combines the first two) – demolisher of friendships and marriages.

Only Satan himself has destroyed more relationships.

It is not what it seems. It’s a lie. Beware! Wake up!

An intervention is clearly necessary, but I’m at a loss for how to do it. God Himself will have to show us.

For those of you who haven’t been sucked in, please keep your eyes open! Pray for truth in your life. Pray for those who have been lost to these businesses – and the lives and relationships they’ve destroyed in the process. Pray that their eyes open to truth and the damage that’s occurring.  

Truth. I’m sure truth is the way. I believe there will be freedom and healing in Truth!