Don't Pull My Trigger!

I don’t often blog when I’m angry. Tonight, however, I am making an exception. I’m making an exception because my anger may help someone else break free tonight.

Tonight, I’m angry because negative reinforcements are so much stronger and last so much longer than positive reinforcements.

I’m angry because sometimes you don’t realize the damage that has been done, and the bondage you’re still in until something triggers a memory.

I’m angry because damaged people damage other people, and the cycle just continues.

I’m angry because tonight I unexpectedly experienced yet another trigger from a repeated negative reinforcement in my life.

How dare they last for years and years??!! I’m a happy person. I’m content. Well-rounded. Joyful, even. How dare some long buried ugliness in my past rear its ugly head and make me an emotional mess?! That’s not fair! It’s not right!

Including tonight, I can think back on three negative triggers that caused or still cause a visceral emotional reaction in me.

Trigger #1 – The Hole

The first was when I was engaged years ago. Unbeknownst to me, I had a small hole in my blouse under one of my arms. My fiancé came up to me and stuck his finger in the hole.

“Did you know you had a hole here?” he innocently asked.

I lost my mind! I started screaming at him!

“What is the matter with you sticking your finger in a hole in my clothing?! If I have a hole you just tell me! Don’t stick your finger in it! Don’t touch it! Just tell me! What kind of person sticks their finger in a hole in someone else’s clothing?!”

He just looked at me in shock. Then he said slowly with concern, “What is wrong with you?”

I burst into tears and ran into another room. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Then, painful memories flooded back.

My fiancé lovingly came in and sat with me while I cried. He patiently waited until I could talk.

Finally, I was able to tell him.

When I was a little girl, I had an abusive grandmother, emotionally and physically. One day, I was on my way to school and she smiled at me and said, “Come here.” I was immediately nervous. I tentatively took one step toward her. She kept beckoning me forward. I didn’t know what to expect.

Finally, when I got close enough, she grabbed me harshly, took her fingernail and stuck it into a small hole in my pants that I didn’t know was there. She gouged out skin, and blood soaked through my pants immediately. I still have the scar on my thigh.

“Only a slut would wear a pair of pants with a hole in them!” she told me. I was no older than 10, and could have been as young as eight.

Years later, an innocent action by my fiancé would bring those crippling emotions back to the forefront.

Trigger #2 – The Phrase

I became a Christian when I turned 25. I attended and joined a few culturally diverse churches before ultimately finding a long-term church home in California. This church is a predominantly Black church, where “Black phrases” are routinely uttered.

One such phrase made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and caused me to nearly run out of the church screaming.

The pastor or his designee regularly announces to visitors they are invited to attend a special reception “so we can love on you.”

“Love on you.”

I hadn’t heard that phrase in years, not since the family friend who molested me when I was a little girl said it over and over again. He would come over to the house where I was babysitting for another family friend, let himself in with a key, and follow me around the house.

I’d immediately, protectively, pick up the toddler I was babysitting for, hoping that would deter his advances. But no.

He’d shadow me, saying, “Put the baby down. I need you to give me some p*$$y. Come on. I just want to ‘love on you’.” Over and over again he’d follow me repeating this horrific phrase. He would ultimately get the baby out of my arms.

Fortunately, I suppose, I’d black out and awaken at home in my own bed.

No matter how many times I tried to tell my parents and other family protectors what was happening, they couldn’t hear me. Finally, I threw a massive fit and refused to babysit for that family anymore. That particular sexual abuse stopped there.

I thought I’d healed from that, as well…until I heard the phrase again in my home church.

I still attend the church. But I still cringe every time I hear the phrase.

Sadly, cruelly, infuriatingly, I shared the experience with my ex-husband, and he would use the phrase on me anyway.

Which leads me to the next trigger.

Trigger #3 – The Blame Game

I realized tonight, that my ex-husband created yet another devastating, emotional trigger, a trigger of undue blame and unfair accusation.

My laptop computer broke today and when I shared a picture of the break with my little brother, he jokingly made an accusation: “Somebody been picking up their laptop by the screen, eh?”

His response immediately enraged me. It was reminiscent of the constant accusations I received from my ex.

When my son and I were hit head-on by a drunk driver, my ex-husband didn’t ask if we were okay. He just yelled, “What were you doing on this street anyway?!” At no point did he check on our well-being.

When I fractured my shoulder diving into a street to save a friend’s daughter from getting hit by a car, my ex angrily demanded an explanation. When I told him how it happened, he said that’s what I got for trying to save someone else’s child. Then he refused to take me to the hospital.

Nearly every conversation began with an accusation or a negative assumption. “How did this happen? Why wasn’t I told before? You were probably using it wrong. What did you do? I suppose you forgot to… I bet you didn’t remember to…”

Being asked, “What were you doing to cause this?” has become a trigger for me, especially when I’ve done nothing wrong. People making assumptions, instead of giving the benefit of the doubt, infuriates me.

During the scene in the movie “The Proposal” where Sandra Bullock’s character falls into the water, needing to be saved by Ryan Reynolds, I burst into tears in the theater (and I was alone). Even though he was angry at her, he lovingly wrapped a blanket around her and cradled her after her terrifying experience.

I never received that from my ex. Not after going into pre-term labor with our son, causing me to be hospitalized multiple times. Not after blacking out and having to be hospitalized for a week. Not after fractures, and losses, and devastating events. All I received was accusations.

I know people like my grandmother, my ex-husband, and the now-dead, pedophile Herman Weems, were broken people. I realize they damaged others out of their own brokenness. I know I’m supposed to forgive them. Most days I think I have.

But then there’ll be another trigger, and the anger will consume me all over again.

I guess I will just have to deal with each trigger as it comes.

As difficult as today was, it helped me understand the people who hold on to and respond to the painful experiences in their life…their personal triggers.

I’m still angry because I want all the love, the positive experiences, and the encouraging words to outweigh all of the damaging encounters – for all of us.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so in love with being in love. It’s like a balm that heals and covers the wounds.

Okay, I’ll focus on that. The beauty of being in love… The beauty of love, period.

Love is the only thing that has helped heal me from those painful experiences. My loving fiancé helped me through the “Granny Trigger.” The true love that comes from my church family helps me deal with the oft-repeated painful “Pedophile Trigger” phrase. The former love of my life, who I fell in love with after my marriage ended, helped counter the “Ex-Husband Unsafe Trigger” by always making me feel safe and protected. My loving brother was so concerned about my heart-ache, anger and sadness tonight that he showered me with love and apologies to counter-act the “Ex-Husband Accusation Trigger.”

Love covers a multitude of sins. Now I understand that scripture.

Constantly Thinking…and healing…and loving…

Silent Victim Mentality - NO MORE!

Being honest, even when requested, has caused me to lose more relationships than I ever anticipated.

At first it was heart-breaking and devastating. But as I’ve done more soul-searching, I’ve realized it has been necessary for my own survival and growth.

I finally had to ask myself…What would cause me to shrink away from being honest? Why would I not want to be honest with others? Why would I not want to be honest with myself?

Through honest soul-searching, I realized that I’ve lived a life that’s been encouraged to be silent while dealing with injustice. As a child, I was sexually and physically abused by family members, family friends and neighborhood boys. I was bullied up until high school. I tried speaking out about it but either was not heard or was silenced.The silent victim mentality was being laid and reinforced - like the foundation of a prison.

When the abuse finally stopped and I began to shake off that mindset, I began to stretch my wings in school and business. As I tentatively began to soar in college, I ended up being attacked by yet another group of bullies. I largely ignored their attacks, not fighting back, but not shrinking either. The next year one of them came back to tearfully apologize for being so cruel. His is the only name I remember - Carl. 

Continuing my journey toward strength, I began working in fields that I loved. Subconsciously, however, I still had the victim mindset as part of my foundation. I unintentionally worked for odd, controlling and sometimes verbally and mentally abusive bosses.

It was a cycle that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t actually see it. I didn't know it was there. I didn't know it was subtly guiding my every choice.

In my love life, I ended up in a multiple relationships plagued with deception, disregard, and emotional abuse. I never saw it as that. I focused on the love because I believed in love…and still do. I wouldn’t exactly say that I cast my pearls to swine, because the men I loved are, in general, good men, great men even.

But in hindsight I realize that I attracted the kind of men – the kind of people – who are attracted to victims. I attracted people whose self-esteem is elevated by belittling others. I attracted people who wanted to receive love but either didn’t want to give it in return or didn’t know how. I attracted them and then held onto them, working hard to achieve validation. A victim actually wants the perpetrator to like them, to love them, to realize the error of their ways and say, “I’ve been so wrong about you. I’ve been so wrong in how I’ve treated you. You really are wonderful.”

Instead of attracting people who already saw my value, I attracted those whose value I saw and then tried to convince them to notice mine. I did that not just with men – but with friends and employers. It happened with family members. “If I just tell them how wonderful they are, maybe they’ll see how wonderful I am, too.” In romantic relationships I attracted those who liked the reflection of themselves in my eyes. If that reflection dimmed, even a little bit, they walked away – emotionally or physically or both. That not only happened with men; it happened with friends, as well. It's a gift to see the good in people, to see their potential. But it's also a side effect of the victim mentality, a realization that only came recently. "You see and acknowledge their value in hopes that they will see and acknowledge yours."

Fortunately, although I attracted a great majority of those victim predators, not all of my friends fall into that category. There are wonderful people who see my value, as well as their own. They support and encourage me, just as I do them. Our success makes the other happy, not jealous. Not surprisingly, those are the friends who have remained as I’ve grown stronger.

I recently accepted an unexpected kindness from someone not knowing that it came with a liberal dose of mistreatment, unkind words, and belittling. When I was able to walk away from the “gift,” I wrote a long letter of both gratitude and honesty about how the behavior and cruel words were hurtful and unjust. And I promptly lost them as a friend. It was that situation that prompted me to write this particular blog. I was hurt. I was confused. I was trying to figure out how I could win them back. I was wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have been honest.

The old me… the one who was accustomed to being bullied and abused would have just tolerated their behavior, would have just thanked them for their crumbs of kindness and not spoken up about the cruelty.

But I can’t be her any longer. I can’t fulfill my purpose as her. I can’t be truly happy as her. I can’t even be in a loving, honest relationship, friendship, or business relationship if I don’t fully release the victim mindset. To do what I’m called to do and become who I’m called to become, I have to know my value – and I have to be willing to kick the dust off my feet and walk away from those who don’t value me, as well.

It's a process, but I have had to destroy the unstable foundation that was laid as a child. I have had to rebuild a new one based on who God says I am. As the victim foundation shatters, it is being replaced by a foundation built on value, love and purpose.

As the scales finally dropped from my eyes, I chose to walk away from the cruel, the hurtful, the ugly, the bullies and the predators. In doing so, I enabled myself to be able to walk toward and embrace the beautiful, the kind, and the loving.

I cried as I looked back over my life and my choices, only realizing in hindsight that the silent victim mentality was what was guiding them. Then, I dried my tears, dropped the old me like a discarded jacket, and started walking forward to my new life. 

I no longer fear being honest. People who know their value aren't afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. Victims, bullies and fear-filled people shrink from speaking or hearing the truth. People who don't know their value or purpose reject the truth. I'm no longer part of that segment of society.

Just as weakness is attracted to and feeds on other weaknesses, strength is attracted to and feeds on strength. Iron sharpens iron. Love attracts love. A person who values his or herself will attract others who value themselves.

I'm marveling and so excited at how many wonderful, strong, kind, healthy, loving people I'm meeting now.

A whole new world has opened to me.

Now, in the second season of my life, I'm reborn.

Constantly Thinking
... and growing and healing and becoming…

P.S. You know what that means, right? It means I’m preparing to meet my archangel. He's been waiting for me to "become" all along.

What They Don't Tell You...

They don’t tell the abused woman that once she finally gathers her strength and leaves that abusive man, there will still be days she will miss him and consider going back.

They don’t tell the undervalued employee that when they quit that dead-end job and follow their dreams, there will be incredibly difficult days ahead, and sometimes they’ll long to be back in that broken office chair at that dysfunctional company.

They don’t tell you that when you finally release that friend or family member or man or woman or church leader who didn’t value you, that you’ll still miss them terribly because even if they didn’t recognize your value, you recognized theirs.

They don’t tell you that not settling for the man who doesn’t value you as a wife and won’t marry you, doesn’t make you stop loving him.

They don’t tell you that being strong can still hurt.

All they tell you is how much better it will be. But better doesn’t always happen immediately. Sometimes you'll just be lonely or horny or impatient. At times you'll be so lonely, horny or impatient that it will make you want to walk backwards. Don't do it.

The rewards will come. Once you start valuing yourself, you will attract the people who value you, as well. But it’s a journey, it will take time, and there will be pain along the way.

Like a runner training for a marathon, or a person working out to lose 50 pounds, or a woman in labor, it’s a process. At some point, you’ll look back and say the journey was worth it; but in the midst of it, you may have to encourage yourself.

Keep your eye on the goal. Don’t look backwards toward the crap (lest you turn into a pillar of salt – LOL). Know your value.

Yes, there’s a possibility that the person or employer in your past is also part of your future. There's a chance that some of those relationships or jobs will be restored, but it will be with new people (same human, different character). You will have changed and so will they. Think Steve Jobs and Apple. It can happen, but not without internal change – on both sides.

Keep moving forward.

Constantly Thinking…

Marital Mess Landmines

Stay out of people’s marital mess.

You don’t know what issues a couple is truly facing. It may not be a communication issue or a “putting the toilet seat down” situation. It may be that one or both of them are living double lives. It may be that one of them is engaging in serious criminal activity that has just been discovered by their spouse.

It may be that one of the spouses is being physically abused by the other. It may be that the husband or wife has molested one of the children. It may even be a breach so horrific that you can’t even wrap your natural mind around it. Think of spouses who learn they’ve been married to a serial killer who’s buried the bodies in their own backyard. Or they just discovered there’s someone chained up in the secret room in the basement that has been “off limits.”

Is it possible for even a marriage like that to be saved? Um… Well... Knowing the God I serve, I’d have to say “it’s possible.” However, sometimes a person may find they married the devil incarnate, or a secret devil worshiper unwilling to give up their beliefs. God can only work with willing hearts. If we harden our hearts to him (and each other), He will not violate our free will.

So to my fellow Christians, especially, I say this…

Just because you know the Word doesn’t mean you know enough about everyone’s personal situation – and God’s will for them – to insert yourself by telling them God doesn’t desire that they get divorced. Many times, rather than encouragement, all you’re adding is confusion and judgment.

Yes, the Bible says God hates divorce. But it also says, “What GOD has put together let no man put asunder.” Some of these unions, God has not put together. Some of these unions need to be torn apart before someone dies – if not physically, then emotionally or spiritually.

Believers, the best thing you can say to a couple having marital issues is that you’ll pray for them, and pray that God’s will be done.

Unless you’ve been professionally or spiritually asked and anointed to intervene (not interfere) in someone’s marital issues, stay out of them.