A GUIDE FOR MY NON-BLACK FRIENDS: HOW TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION IN FIVE EASY (OR NOT SO EASY) STEPS

Over the past several days, many of my non-Black friends have called, texted, emailed, and posted to ask if I’m okay. Many of them have expressed frustration, outrage, and a sincere desire to do something to help.

Just the fact that they are checking on me is a start, and it’s appreciated. This is honestly the first time that’s happened after a horrible racial injustice, and there have been so many in recent years. Something has definitely shifted, and it’s an important and necessary shift.

In answer to the question “What can I do?” – I’ve got a list.

1. See us differently.
2. Give us the benefit of the doubt.
3. Change your language.
4. Intervene and speak up.
5. Fight the injustice with your wallet.

The first two will be the hardest, but if you can do them, the rest will be easy, well, easier.

SEE US DIFFERENTLY

The Problem:

Many non-Blacks see Black people as dangerous, criminals, unintelligent, violent and threatening. They especially see our Black men this way. But, keep in mind, in their eyes, “men” can mean someone as young as 10.

What You Can Do:

Stop clutching your purse and crossing to the other side of the street when you see us. Unless you’re in a dangerous neighborhood, where everybody would clutch their purse regardless of who’s passing by them, you are responding to deeply rooted stereotypes that are painful to us.

Here’s a tip: Change the face. If the person you’re passing on the street was white, would you respond the same? If the children playing in the park were white children, would you think of them as dangerous? See them differently.

What You Need to Understand:

The Black friend you have is NOT the exception. They are reflective of most of us. We are smart, talented, kind, safe, friendly and compassionate – just like the stranger in your race.

Notice I said “reflective of most of us” not “they represent most of us.” That’s because one person doesn’t represent the whole Black race. Just as you know that one person doesn’t represent the whole White, Asian or Jewish race. Should we assume all non-Black people are like Jeffrey Dahmer or Jeffrey Epstein or Bernie Madoff? Think how you would feel if everyone you met thought you were going to kill and eat them, molest their children, or steal their money. It seems illogical to you, right?

This is what we live through every single day. And when someone actually stops to get to know us, they say we’re “different.” No, we’re not. You just see us differently. Try doing that with the whole Black race, recognizing that, yes, sometimes there will be exceptions – just like in your race.

By the way, you know that feeling of fear you get when you pass a Black person on the street, or drive through a predominantly Black neighborhood? We have that same feeling when driving through an all-white part of town, driving at night, driving at all! And now, we get that same feeling when going to the park, going for a jog, going for a walk – even in our own neighborhoods!

GIVE BLACK PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

The Problem:

This is probably the most frustrating issue because it’s verbalized often by non-Blacks who consider themselves objective or liberal.

“Well, I don’t want to rush to judgment.”

“Let’s see how the facts play out.”

“I’m sure the police wouldn’t have stopped him, arrested him, used force unless he’d done something wrong.”

Or my personal non-favorite: “Why didn’t he just stop resisting and do what the police said?”

What You Can Do:

First, admit to yourself that you do, indeed, rush to judgment, just not in favor of Black people. You automatically assume the Black man or woman must have done something wrong to be stopped and killed by police or even by random citizens, like George Zimmerman (Trayvon Martin’s killer) and Gregory and Travis McMichael (Ahmaud Arbery’s killers).

Maybe the dog walker was truly scared of the bird watcher. Maybe George Floyd was still resisting…we couldn’t see his legs. Maybe Breonna snored too loudly. Maybe, maybe, maybe…Just stop! Stop making excuses for anyone other than the Black victim!

Admit you do this, then STOP doing it!

What You Need to Understand:

As Black people, we are almost never given the benefit of the doubt, even from non-Blacks who like us. There are still people in our country, even in law enforcement (which is most distressing), that feel like Derek Chauvin, George Floyd’s killer, did nothing wrong by keeping his knee on Mr. Floyd’s neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. People have written, “If he could still talk to say ‘I can’t breathe’ then he could still breathe.”

Again, let’s change the face. Let’s say a Black man had his knee on a white man’s neck for nearly 9 minutes while the white man struggled to breathe.

Let’s try another scenario. Imagine your white son or daughter having an asthma attack and saying, as it started, “I can’t breathe.”

Would your response to them be, “If you can talk, you can breathe”? Would you wait two minutes after they stopped talking, responding and breathing before attempting to help them?

Whenever you hear of a news story like George Floyd’s murder, and begin with, “Well…” as you work to excuse or understand the perpetrator’s side, you are absolutely rushing to judgment – just not on our behalf. Do not fool yourself. You are NOT being objective.

Instead, consider the fact that we are telling the truth. We are not making this up. There is statistical evidence that Blacks (and, as always, especially Black men) are stopped, frisked, fired upon, jailed and killed at rates significantly higher than whites. If they live to have their day in court, if found guilty, their sentences are typically harsher than their non-Black counterparts.

It's interesting that Blacks don't get the benefit of the doubt whether they're the murderer or the murdered, but non-Blacks do, either way.

Some folks felt sorrier for Amy Cooper’s dog than they did George Floyd. I didn’t read about anyone wondering if the dog, perhaps, deserved the choke hold that Amy put him in. Nope. They just acted swiftly to protect the dog. (The dog!)

I understand that you want to give police officers the benefit of the doubt. You may be thinking since you personally haven’t had any adverse interactions with them, we may all just be wrong. No. We’re not. There is consistent, historical evidence of police brutality against Blacks.

I am not saying it’s always the case. But, based on statistical evidence, it is more likely than not. Stop automatically giving the non-Black perpetrator the benefit of the doubt, and try starting, just once, from our perspective.

Here’s another analogy that may help:

Let’s say one of your white female colleagues or friends comes to you with her face bruised and bloodied. She tells you her husband did it. Is your response, “Well, he never hit me before. I’ve only known him to be a nice man.” Or “Well, let’s wait and see how all the facts shake out.” Or “You must have been resisting whatever he asked you to do.” No! You would never respond this way!

Just as you wouldn’t assume your abused female friend was playing the “helpless female” card, don’t assume that Blacks always play the race card, because we don’t.

 

More That You Can Do:

So how else should you respond? Well, first, refer back to step #1. See them differently. Change the face. Imagine it was your husband or child in the position of the Black person.

Then, try these steps:

1. Say nothing - especially if your first mind is to give only the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt. Not one word. Do not defend the police or the perpetrator. Do not say you’re not rushing to judgment. Say nothing. Anything you say will show that you’ve already rushed to judgment – in support of the perpetrator.
2. If you have a Black friend, ask them about what happened. Don’t share your opinion or ask for theirs in a judgmental way. Meaning, don’t say, “I heard about George Floyd. Do you think he was resisting?” Instead, try, “The George Floyd situation is awful. Can you tell me what you know about it?” And then truly listen.
3. Then, imagine you’re in a debate and your job is to argue from the side of the victim. Go search for facts, videos, news articles to build your argument in support of the victim. Just try it.

 If after all that you still really just can’t empathize with the victim or consider they may have been unfairly targeted or that excessive force may have been used, then you may need to admit to yourself, “I will never understand or empathize with Black people.” Seriously, it means your beliefs are so ingrained, you may never give Blacks the benefit of the doubt, and you will always be part of the problem.

I truly hope none of my friends fall into this category.

CHANGE YOUR LANGUAGE

The Problem:

There is a difference in how non-Black people speak of identical behavior from Blacks vs. non-Blacks.

White people are “protestors and demonstrators who deserve to have their voices heard,” even when they show up armed to the gills with semi-automatic weapons.

Unarmed Black people are “rioters and looters,” who are “justifiably” fired upon even during peaceful protests.

The media does not help, primarily because it is made up of people with discriminatory views and opinions. (Not all, but some, and many others who remain passively quiet.)

After a natural disaster, there were photo captions under two pictures, one of a white man and one of a black man, both looting. Under the picture of the white man, the caption read: “A father struggles to feed his family, finding bread and soda from a local grocery store.”

Under the picture of the black man, the caption read: “New Orleans residents began looting businesses, stealing whatever they could, including food and water.”

In the workplace, a Black woman who stands up for herself or her views is called hard-headed or angry. A Black man is called hostile or threatening. Conversely, a white man when speaking forcefully, is considered strong, powerful, authoritative, and passionate.

Statements like “you people” are offensive, just as statements like “you women” or “you white men” would be. It dismisses whatever your behavior, words or opinions are based on you being part of an inconsequential, stereotyped subset.

What You Can Do:

The good news is that when you begin to see us differently and give us the benefit of the doubt, your language will automatically change.

Until then, before you speak, think about whether or not you would make your comment about someone you greatly respected or admired. Would you make it about someone who looked like you?

This one is difficult because people often speak offhandedly and offensively even about those they love.

So, make it personal. Don’t use adjectives that would be offensive if someone said them to or about you. Don’t use phrases that would seem judgmental, condescending or offensive, if spoken about you, your children, your best friend, or your role model.

I tend to follow this, as a general rule: Don’t say anything that, if it was found to be untrue or unnecessarily unkind, you would die on the spot.

INTERVENE AND SPEAK UP

First, I have to say, I am thankful for all the people, Black and non-Black, in our country and around the world who are speaking up, protesting, and writing to our government and law enforcement officials to demand better!

The Problem:

When non-Black people hear their friends make racially divisive comments, and don’t say anything, it’s a problem. When non-Black people see an injustice happen and just shake their heads and turn off the TV, or worse, stand and watch and do nothing (except maybe videotape), they are part of the problem.

To be silent is to be complicit.

It is the same as watching a man beat a woman down in front of you and not saying or doing anything. It’s the same as watching a woman choke her child (or her dog) and not condemning the behavior.

There is a role that we, as Black people, must play. And there is a role that you, as White or non-Black people, must play.

What You Can Do:

Yes, please, walk alongside us as we protest. They (the perpetrators) need to see faces of all different colors, ages and genders coming together as one.

You must also use your voice to condemn the behavior. When you hear a racist comment from one of your peers, you must check them on it.

When you hear someone disparage, diminish or dismiss the phrase "Black Lives Matter," remind them that our country has shown time and time again that Black lives DO NOT matter. This is a desperate plea from a race that has been considered less than human for hundreds of years. Let them know that it is not only not necessary but it is cruel for them to respond with "all lives matter" or "blue lives matter." There is no comparison in our plight, as White Americans and police officers have not had to fight to keep from being considered 3/5 human. They have not suffered from institutional racism and brutality. If they can't get it from that, tell them to add the word "too" on the end of it. Then maybe they'll understand that Black Lives Matter, too. It's not an EXclusive statement, but right now it's clear that who matters is not INclusive of Blacks.

When you see something like the George Floyd murder, you must call, write, and email the people in power, demanding justice.

People will more quickly listen and respond to people who look like them. If you see something that’s wrong, don’t assume it will be fixed on its own. Respond like you would if it was someone you cared about who was murdered.

If you threaten or vow to withdraw your support, to tell your friends, and to vote them out of office, they will start listening.

When you are silent, it is easy for them to keep doing what they’re doing. They don’t care if only Blacks are outraged. But when Whites or non-Blacks voice their outrage, that’s when they sit up and take notice.

FIGHT THE INJUSTICE WITH YOUR WALLET

We all know that money talks.

I’m not just talking about making a donation to organizations that support the families of those who have been wrongfully killed, or those arrested for peacefully protesting, or those organizations that fight tirelessly against racial injustice. Yes, do that.

I am also talking about letting companies know that you will no longer buy their products or use their services based on their discriminatory practices.

The Minneapolis School District did it with their wallet. They ended their long-term contract with the Minneapolis Police Department. That is a start.

It’s important that companies start to realize we (Blacks and non-Blacks) will not reward or justify bad behavior and discriminatory practices with our dollars (or our votes).

When you hit them in the pocket, change happens quickly.

A FINAL NOTE

While we appreciate the show of solidarity on days like “Blackout Tuesday,” that should not be the sum total of what you do.

We are not looking for short-term outrage, or even long-term change. We are looking for FOREVER change, a complete transformation. We need a systemic and institutional overhaul that will stop racial discrimination, police brutality, and judicial inequality FOREVER.

The five steps I’m suggesting are FOREVER steps. Not just “right now” strategies.

1. See Black people differently, with respect and value.
2. Give Blacks the benefit of the doubt.
3. Change your language when you speak about Blacks.
4. Intervene and speak up when you see or hear racial discrimination.
5. Fight racial injustice with your wallet.

 

A NOTE TO MY BLACK BROTHERS & SISTERS

When non-Blacks start to take action, when corporations start to speak up, when police officers and departments start to positively change their behavior and their practices – recognize they are starting to do better. This is what we asked them to do. Condemning them as “Johnny come lately” or “jumping on the bandwagon” is wrong.

Since we’re protesting and fighting and dying to get them to do better, then we have to acknowledge when they actually start doing it. Criticizing them for taking so long is counterproductive.

Constantly Thinking, Protesting, Praying… and Working Toward a Better World