The Truth About Success

Joseph (in the Bible) shared a prophetic dream of power and success and got thrown into a well by his brothers. A homeless “man with a golden voice” is discovered by a videographer and even strangers support him in his success.

Why is it that some people are happy for others’ success and others seem to be intimidated by it? Based on a lifetime of professional and personal success and a few epic failures, I have made several observations about people who support you when you're up, kick you while you're down, or attempt to "knock you down a peg" whenever possible.

Let’s first take a look at who makes up the group of success supporters.

Who Does Your Success Benefit?

• Your children – Your success benefits your children basically because they get more benefits
• Your spouse (usually) – Unless you have an insecure or competitive spouse, your success will typically benefit him or her
• Your employees and potential employees – When you get paid, so do they. There’s a direct benefit here. For potential employees, your success means they may be offered a job at some point.
• Your clients – Being represented by or contracting with a successful company or business leader gives you credibility
• People you pay and regularly visit or use their services (stylist, fashion consultant, trainer) – Similar to employees, when you get paid, so do they. It’s a bit more indirect than employees, but there’s a benefit nonetheless. Their business counts on you and others like you being able to afford them.
• People who are inspired by or believe in themselves based on your success – This is the category that supported the man with the golden voice. People were inspired. This category also includes people you mentor, or people who admire you from afar.
• Your financial investors – Your financial investors are literally counting on your success.
• Your emotional or professional coaches (those who have invested time and wisdom into you) – Your success benefits your coaches on two different levels: 1) An emotional level from contributing positively to someone’s life; 2) A credibility level – their words, advice and wisdom are valuable.

With any of the people in this group, feel free to share your success. They will be almost as thrilled as you are.

Now let’s take a look at the success detractors.

Who Does Your Success Intimidate?

• Those who are jealous of or compete with you – Typically, if you’re competing with someone in some or fashion – not necessarily for the same job or opportunity, but just in general – these people will not pleased with your success. This may be a “keep up with the Joneses” type of friend who always one-ups you when you talk about something positive in your life.
• Those who feel that your success somehow takes away from their own, even if it’s in a completely different area – There are those who believe there are a limited number of positive opportunities. For every one that you get, that’s one less for them.
• Those who are insecure – Some people think so little of themselves that they would never even reach for success. They can be close to you when you’re struggling, but when you start to succeed, you simply point out their failure or lack. They can’t support you.
• Those who can or will only support the underdog – There are actually people in the world who think that successful people are evil, just because they’re successful. They assume (sometimes correctly, oftentimes incorrectly) that for you to succeed you must have stepped on some poor soul. Therefore, they can’t support you in your success, just on GP.
• Those who just don’t like you – Like Joseph’s brothers, there will be people who despise you for your success. There will be people who just despise you, period. They want nothing but to see you fail or struggle. Your success infuriates them.

If your family or friends fall into this group, be wiser than Joseph was, and don’t call them to share your success. They’ll notice it anyway. If you share it with them, they’ll only think of it as bragging (and you may get thrown into a well).

People can actually be in both the Success Supporters and the Success Detractors groups at the same time. Your success can benefit someone who despises you. When you become highly successful, it’s sometimes hard to tell which category people are in. They can all “sound” like supporters.

Pay attention to the nuances, listen to the tone, observe the body language, and note the word choice.  Some key phrases to be mindful of are:

• I’m happy for you.
• How nice for you.
• Good for you. (Pretty much any “for you” phrase is a red flag.)
• Really? Wow. (with no exclamation point)
• That’s great. (with nothing following)

Too much insincere gushing is also a red flag. It usually includes the phrases above, but with “Oh my gosh!” added in front of it.

There is one other category of people that I’ve observed.

There are those who are thrilled with your success just because they love you. It’s not that they benefit personally from your success. It’s that they benefit from your happiness and contentment. Your happiness simply makes them happy. A wonderful spouse, great children, supportive family and true friends can also fall into this category.

This, of course, is the best category. 

Which group do you fall into most frequently? Can you be happy for other people’s success?

I’m Constantly Thinking…

With This Ring...

I recently heard of someone else's engagement. He asked. She accepted. They're ring shopping together. They are officially engaged. Congratulations!

I recall when I got an engaged. I, too, said "Yes" before I was given the ring. At the moment I said “Yes,” we were engaged. A rude colleague at the time said, "Do you have a ring? If you don't have a ring, then you're not engaged."

In addition to being obnoxious, she was also just wrong. In modern times, we have tied in the giving and accepting of the ring as something not just symbolic of our intentions, but required as proof of our official engagement. However, just as a gifted ring doesn't mean you're engaged, not having one doesn't mean you're not engaged.

I have watched girlfriends excitedly exclaimed, "I'm getting married!" I've listened as one of their "friends" immediately says, "Really? Let me see your ring." Then observed the skeptical snub (eyebrow raised, lips pursed) that immediately follows when the newly engaged woman says, "Oh, I don't have it yet."

Other than ignorance (or being a hater), I have no idea why people would ask for proof of your engagement.  Do they ask for proof when they meet a married couple? "Let me see your rings and marriage license, please." Or proof you're a parent? "What a beautiful baby! Do you have his birth certificate?"

I don't need to see a ring to believe someone's engagement. Anyone who asks for "proof" is either not your friend or is terribly ignorant, and you have every right to state both of those.

I’m Constantly amazed at people…

Beware: The Hungry Heart

As a heart-led person, I realize that I need to always be aware of the fullness level of my heart and make sure it doesn’t get too depleted. I have learned that when it does, I can make really bad heart-led decisions.

Of course, as a believer, I also need to make sure my spirit stays connected, full and healthy. When both my spirit and heart are filled, I find that it is much easier for me to follow the spirit, as I should.

I’ve learned, however, that when my heart is at too much of a deficit, it will over-rule my spirit to find fullness (in all the wrong places).

Here, then, are the things that fill my heart…

• Spending time together
• Enjoying conversation
• Having someone lovingly play with my hair
• Holding hands
• Cuddling; tender touches
• Thoughtfulness
• Verbally being valued or appreciated; words of affirmation
• Being listened to
• Kissing
• Laughing together
• Playing games together
• Doing jigsaw puzzles together
• Being protected
• Being remembered
• Phone calls, texts and emails – just because
• Listening to music together
• Watching movies and TV together
• Overhearing someone speak of me with sweetness, love or admiration
• Knowing that someone believes in me

Yes, as you can probably tell... I am an absolute romantic, who loves love.

So, what fills your heart?

Constantly thinking…

Wash Your Mouth Out with Soap!

Isn’t it amazing the way certain words and phrases affect us?

There were words that weren’t used or even allowed in our house.

Growing up, we weren’t permitted to say the word “holler.” My grandmother thought only uncouth people used that word.

We weren’t permitted to say “Shut up.” Our Mother always told us, “We don’t have room in our hearts for ‘shut up.’”

We were always taught to use “butt,” “bottom,” or “fanny” instead of the more inappropriate and improper word “booty.”

We were only permitted to say “boobs” or “breasts,” never the indecent word “titties.”

Now, when I hear people say booty or titties I mentally (and sometimes physically) shrink back in horror. How rude! How offensive!

Of course the “P” word (for a woman’s private area) and the “D” word (for a man’s privates) wasn’t even an option – that was beyond vulgar, it was downright trashy!

Any use of those words and we certainly would be sucking on a bar of Irish Spring!

Between home training and bad memories, words can have an incredibly positive or incredibly negative effect on us.

As a child, a pedophile chased me around, repeatedly telling me “I just wanna love on you.” Forty years later I still cringe when I hear that phrase, which I do often, unfortunately. It seems to be a favorite in the Black church.

“Hump” was a word that the neighborhood bully/sexual predator said and did to unsuspecting, defenseless young girls. I never, ever use the phrase “Hump Day” to refer to Wednesday.

When words have such a negative connotation in our minds, is it possible to change our perception?

Sometimes it is.

I used to think it was “gross” that my mom and dad called each other “baby.” Over time, however, I’ve learned that I actually enjoy being called “baby” by my man, and I love calling him baby. It’s become one of the sweetest terms of endearment.

If the use of the word or phrase was destructively negative, however, it’s almost like brainwashing. If there are negative actions or images to accompany the word or phrase, it will be nearly impossible, if not completely impossible to transfer the meaning to a positive one.

With that in mind, “love on you” and “hump” will likely forever remain on my taboo list.

But don't worry. There are lots of other phrases that work instead. My husband will figure them out! ;-)

Constantly Thinking…

You Got It Wrong!

You were shot to death in a theater?! You must have been doing something wrong!

You got shot on a balcony?! You must have been doing something wrong!

You were imprisoned for 27 years?! You must have been doing something wrong!

You were killed while riding in your car?! You must have been doing something wrong!

You were nailed to a cross and crucified?! You must have been doing something wrong!

What makes people – and, specifically, my fellow believers – think that every time someone goes through a dry spell or experiences a desert place that it’s because they’ve done something wrong?

Believers will tell you that they either didn’t have enough faith, or they didn’t hear from God, or perhaps they sinned, or maybe one of their parents’ sinned and this is part of a generational curse. Or maybe they thought they heard from God, but really it was just the enemy and they were misled.

If we just listen to these faith-full people, we’ll know exactly what we did wrong – because clearly we did something wrong, and they know what it is!

I think about all the faith-full people that Noah and Job and Joseph encountered.

All of Noah’s friends, family and associates must have thought he was a lunatic building an ark when it had never rained. How many faith-full people must have told him he missed it? He may have thought he heard from God, but he clearly misheard Him.

In Job’s case, faith-full friends and family told him to curse God and die. Clearly, he had done something wrong or he was just cursed by the Lord. Modern day believers say that it was fear that brought it on him. I’ve heard whole sermons preached about that one sentence: “What I feared most has come upon me.”

Granted, I am the first one to admit that both faith and fear are attractors. We give our energy to thoughts, and thoughts have power. Those thoughts become words, and words have even greater power. So I understand the thinking behind believing Job’s fear brought the afflictions upon him. But if that was the case, then why tell us the whole behind-the-scenes story between God and the devil? That’s included in the Bible, as well. If it was just Job’s fear that triggered it, why include that back story?

Then there’s Joseph. He had prophetic dreams of leadership and influence, dreams that so infuriated his faith-full brothers that they threw him into a well and then sold him. He must have been doing something wrong! Of course, believers will say it was because he wasn’t humble enough.

Joseph did extremely well in Potiphar’s house until Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him, at which point he was thrown in jail. Once again, he must have done something wrong! Depending on who you talk to, he did, otherwise the faith-full Potiphar wouldn’t have had him jailed.

Joseph interpreted dreams in jail and was assured that he’d be remembered, but he was forgotten. He must have done something wrong!

Finally, years later, Joseph was brought from prison to interpret the king’s dream, and elevated to the position of leadership and influence from his original prophetic dreams. He watched with déjà vu as his brothers bowed down to him. He saved his family and was reunited with his father and brothers. Things were as they should have been.

But what about that journey? What about that desert place? Joseph must have done something wrong to have gone through all that, right??

And then…there’s Jesus. He was beaten, crucified, nailed to a cross by his own faith-full people! He MUST have done something wrong, right???

When faith-full Peter tried to tell Jesus that he was NOT going to die, that He didn’t have to walk that walk, He didn’t have to go to that desert place because He was the Messiah, Jesus said, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” Jesus knew that Peter was only focusing on the things of man, while He was focusing on the things of God.

So why is it that whenever we go through a tough period in our lives, perhaps a time of pruning, or a time of forcing us to strengthen our wings so that we can soar, people say – wait, no, let’s be specific, not just people, faith-full believers – immediately assume and even declare that it’s because of your sin, your mama’s sin, your disobedience, your impatience, your mishearing God, your listening to the devil, that you’re in the situation you’re in?

Every desert place is not of the devil. Every trial is not due to sin. Every delay is not due to mishearing God.

Sometimes, tough times – even extremely tough times – are a time of testing and strengthening for your character, in preparation for what’s to come.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in the law of reaping and sowing. Some bad circumstances are absolutely repercussions and consequences. If you sow crap, you get crap back. I fully believe in taking responsibility for your actions. I fully believe that sometimes people mis-hear. I also believe, however, that sometimes it’s none of those things.

The Word of God says that the sun shines and the rain falls on the just and the unjust. The Word of God says that the enemy is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking to jack up some folks (a bit of paraphrasing). The enemy is not just looking for some, he’s looking for whoever he can devour! That means that you can be minding your own business, walking on your God-ordained path, fulfilling your Godly purpose, and BOOM you can get rained on. And while you’re looking up at the sky trying to figure out why you’re getting rained on, the enemy can attack you from behind.

Immediately, 10 or 12 people will rush to your side and tell you it’s because you were sinning or afraid. Your fear and disobedience brought it on you!

Listen, faith-full people, before you speak into somebody’s life, make sure YOU’VE heard from God. Make sure you’re not just  giving them your own interpretation of scripture. “Well, the Word says…” is not a good enough reason to play Peter and overrule the Word of God that has been spoken to someone directly.

When the faith-full men came to stone the adulterous woman, they had the Word – the written rules – behind them, but Jesus chose to handle it a different way, as God Himself directed Him.

If God hasn’t spoken directly to you – I mean, His voice to your ear – to tell somebody what you think they’re doing wrong, be careful that you don’t become that wolf in sheep’s clothing that leads someone astray.

Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela, John F. Kennedy, Jr. and Jesus all experienced either a desert place or a tragic ending to their purpose-filled life (or both). Does that mean they all got it wrong? Based on being faith-full, would you have told them or their widows that they had sinned, been disobedient, misheard from God, or brought their situations on themselves due to fear?

Really? Perhaps you should think, pray, and seek God, before you speak. Every man is not anointed to be a prophet. But everyone can pray. Your prayers can reveal more truth, and move more mountains, than your misguided faith-full words can.

If you really think someone is doing something wrong based on your interpretation of the Word, just pray. At least start with prayer.

God can take it from there. If there's more for you to do, He'll let you know.