What They Don't Tell You...

They don’t tell the abused woman that once she finally gathers her strength and leaves that abusive man, there will still be days she will miss him and consider going back.

They don’t tell the undervalued employee that when they quit that dead-end job and follow their dreams, there will be incredibly difficult days ahead, and sometimes they’ll long to be back in that broken office chair at that dysfunctional company.

They don’t tell you that when you finally release that friend or family member or man or woman or church leader who didn’t value you, that you’ll still miss them terribly because even if they didn’t recognize your value, you recognized theirs.

They don’t tell you that not settling for the man who doesn’t value you as a wife and won’t marry you, doesn’t make you stop loving him.

They don’t tell you that being strong can still hurt.

All they tell you is how much better it will be. But better doesn’t always happen immediately. Sometimes you'll just be lonely or horny or impatient. At times you'll be so lonely, horny or impatient that it will make you want to walk backwards. Don't do it.

The rewards will come. Once you start valuing yourself, you will attract the people who value you, as well. But it’s a journey, it will take time, and there will be pain along the way.

Like a runner training for a marathon, or a person working out to lose 50 pounds, or a woman in labor, it’s a process. At some point, you’ll look back and say the journey was worth it; but in the midst of it, you may have to encourage yourself.

Keep your eye on the goal. Don’t look backwards toward the crap (lest you turn into a pillar of salt – LOL). Know your value.

Yes, there’s a possibility that the person or employer in your past is also part of your future. There's a chance that some of those relationships or jobs will be restored, but it will be with new people (same human, different character). You will have changed and so will they. Think Steve Jobs and Apple. It can happen, but not without internal change – on both sides.

Keep moving forward.

Constantly Thinking…

The Truth About Success

Joseph (in the Bible) shared a prophetic dream of power and success and got thrown into a well by his brothers. A homeless “man with a golden voice” is discovered by a videographer and even strangers support him in his success.

Why is it that some people are happy for others’ success and others seem to be intimidated by it? Based on a lifetime of professional and personal success and a few epic failures, I have made several observations about people who support you when you're up, kick you while you're down, or attempt to "knock you down a peg" whenever possible.

Let’s first take a look at who makes up the group of success supporters.

Who Does Your Success Benefit?

• Your children – Your success benefits your children basically because they get more benefits
• Your spouse (usually) – Unless you have an insecure or competitive spouse, your success will typically benefit him or her
• Your employees and potential employees – When you get paid, so do they. There’s a direct benefit here. For potential employees, your success means they may be offered a job at some point.
• Your clients – Being represented by or contracting with a successful company or business leader gives you credibility
• People you pay and regularly visit or use their services (stylist, fashion consultant, trainer) – Similar to employees, when you get paid, so do they. It’s a bit more indirect than employees, but there’s a benefit nonetheless. Their business counts on you and others like you being able to afford them.
• People who are inspired by or believe in themselves based on your success – This is the category that supported the man with the golden voice. People were inspired. This category also includes people you mentor, or people who admire you from afar.
• Your financial investors – Your financial investors are literally counting on your success.
• Your emotional or professional coaches (those who have invested time and wisdom into you) – Your success benefits your coaches on two different levels: 1) An emotional level from contributing positively to someone’s life; 2) A credibility level – their words, advice and wisdom are valuable.

With any of the people in this group, feel free to share your success. They will be almost as thrilled as you are.

Now let’s take a look at the success detractors.

Who Does Your Success Intimidate?

• Those who are jealous of or compete with you – Typically, if you’re competing with someone in some or fashion – not necessarily for the same job or opportunity, but just in general – these people will not pleased with your success. This may be a “keep up with the Joneses” type of friend who always one-ups you when you talk about something positive in your life.
• Those who feel that your success somehow takes away from their own, even if it’s in a completely different area – There are those who believe there are a limited number of positive opportunities. For every one that you get, that’s one less for them.
• Those who are insecure – Some people think so little of themselves that they would never even reach for success. They can be close to you when you’re struggling, but when you start to succeed, you simply point out their failure or lack. They can’t support you.
• Those who can or will only support the underdog – There are actually people in the world who think that successful people are evil, just because they’re successful. They assume (sometimes correctly, oftentimes incorrectly) that for you to succeed you must have stepped on some poor soul. Therefore, they can’t support you in your success, just on GP.
• Those who just don’t like you – Like Joseph’s brothers, there will be people who despise you for your success. There will be people who just despise you, period. They want nothing but to see you fail or struggle. Your success infuriates them.

If your family or friends fall into this group, be wiser than Joseph was, and don’t call them to share your success. They’ll notice it anyway. If you share it with them, they’ll only think of it as bragging (and you may get thrown into a well).

People can actually be in both the Success Supporters and the Success Detractors groups at the same time. Your success can benefit someone who despises you. When you become highly successful, it’s sometimes hard to tell which category people are in. They can all “sound” like supporters.

Pay attention to the nuances, listen to the tone, observe the body language, and note the word choice.  Some key phrases to be mindful of are:

• I’m happy for you.
• How nice for you.
• Good for you. (Pretty much any “for you” phrase is a red flag.)
• Really? Wow. (with no exclamation point)
• That’s great. (with nothing following)

Too much insincere gushing is also a red flag. It usually includes the phrases above, but with “Oh my gosh!” added in front of it.

There is one other category of people that I’ve observed.

There are those who are thrilled with your success just because they love you. It’s not that they benefit personally from your success. It’s that they benefit from your happiness and contentment. Your happiness simply makes them happy. A wonderful spouse, great children, supportive family and true friends can also fall into this category.

This, of course, is the best category. 

Which group do you fall into most frequently? Can you be happy for other people’s success?

I’m Constantly Thinking…

Love Never Felt So Good

I have finally learned how it feels to be cherished.

All my life, I have happily loved and given my heart without reserve – to friends, family and the great loves of my life. Until recently, however, I had never experienced that kind of love in return – certainly not in a romantic relationship.

I say I “happily” loved that way, and in many ways I did. But I found there’s something very empty about a one-sided love. Unconditional love, the cherish kind of love can be given whether it’s returned or not. God teaches us that. As humans, however, we have physical reactions when our love is unrequited, when we feel rejected or abandoned.

That time, for me, has ended. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing a mutual “cherish” type of love.

The Cherish kind of love is a love where…

• You don’t have to guess how the other person feels. They show you constantly.
• You know and remember each other’s likes and dislikes.
• You feel safe with them – whether in person or from afar.
• They never make you prove your worth. They know your worth, and you know theirs.
• What’s important to you is important to them, and vice versa.
• You do little things just to please the other or make them smile.
• They comfort you and strengthen you when you’re weak.
• They lovingly encourage you and push you to be your best.
• They are always truthful. There are no secrets between you.
• Nothing and no one is allowed to come in between your relationship.
• You both know unequivocally that you have each other’s backs.
• You can laugh together - at yourselves and each other, without offense.
• You don’t tear each other down to build yourselves up – not even in humor.
• They respect you and never ask you to compromise your standards.
• You can grow together.
• It's safe to share your innermost thoughts and dreams.
• They protect you.
• Even when you’re having challenges, you feel safe. You know you’re both so committed to the relationship that challenges won’t tear you apart. Challenges won’t cause one of you to stray or speak ill of the other to outsiders.
• They never ignore you.
• You trust each other.

I have finally found the cherish kind of love…or rather, it’s found me. I’d known him for a while and always cared for him, but I didn’t realize just how much he loved me. He was patient and waited for me. He watched me get my heart broken multiple times, knowing if I’d chosen him instead, things would have been different.

Finally, he declared himself and his love for me. He’d tried before, but I hadn’t realized his full intent. This time, I heard him.

This time, this relationship, I’m starting off slowly. I am learning to trust him with my heart as he entrusts his heart to me, and it feels wonderful.

This kind of love…this cherish kind of love...is what I’ve been waiting for.

Love never felt so good.

I love you, my love.

My Archangel Husband

So, I’ve decided my next (and last) husband is going to be an archangel.

I know, I know…you’re laughing, right?

That’s okay. Let me explain. I don’t mean a literal archangel, like Michael or Gabriel. They’re probably too busy for a wife, and far too old for me.

I mean a man with true archangel-type qualities. I recently realized that for me to fulfill my purpose, in love and in life, that’s what I’ll need. Therefore, that’s what God will provide. What could my purpose possibly be that would require an archangel? I know, right?! LOL. Well, God knows and so will my archangel husband-to-be.

What I can say is this…To truly know what and who you want and need, you have to know who you are. To know what’s truly best for you, you have to know your purpose.

Dr. Myles Munroe speaks on this a lot. If you don’t know the purpose of a thing, you’re destined to misuse it. That includes knowing your own purpose. Well, I know my purpose, and I’ve embraced it, so I know who I need. And my archangel husband…he knows his purpose, and he knows what type of woman he needs to fulfill it. Like all true love stories, we’ll know each other when we find each other. (I’m not out there looking for him, ladies. He’ll find me when God says it’s time. But I’ll know him when I see him!)

Let me tell you about my archangel husband and why I know he’s the one for me. (I just love talking about my man, by the way…)

Archangels are leaders. My archangel husband has to be a leader because I’m a leader. I don’t want a man that needs or wants me to lead him. I want a man who, after I get home from a hard but productive day of leading, says, “Relax, baby. I got this. I got you.” And, ladies, I don’t mean dinner – although my archangel can most likely cook. I mean I don’t have to come home and “run him.” I will run my house, because in my view that’s my responsibility and I embrace it. (FYI – to all you women who are bristling out there – running my house doesn’t mean I can’t have a housekeeper and a cook.)  My archangel husband won’t want or need me to come home and treat him like a baby. He’ll want me to treat him like a man and he’ll want to treat me like a woman – his woman. (unh unh unh!)

When we go out, my archangel husband will lead. Whenever we’re together, in fact, he will lead. I will be able to unstrap my “ladywood” because his...will be more than enough. He won’t be a bully or a tyrant, but a strong, confident man who has his woman’s back, and knows his woman has his back. Always. Unequivocally. Without question, without reserve, and without hesitation.

A true archangel knows what it means to have someone’s back. When Jesus was being arrested or attacked, he KNEW and said he could call on “legions of angels” if he wanted to. Archangels had Jesus’ back! That’s what I’m talking about! You know my baby’s going to have my back!

Archangels are leaders, but they’re also servants – serving at the pleasure of the Lord! (Oh that’s my man! That’s my man!!)

An archangel knows who he serves. He knows he doesn’t do anything by his own power, but by the power of the Lord.

Conversely, there’s a name for an archangel (or man) who thinks he’s doing it (or can do it) all on his own, by his own hand, by his own power – Lucifer. That’s not the type of angel or man I’m looking for.

My archangel husband will be powerful but humble at the same time. Only arrogant men need to boast of their accomplishments. True power, true confidence lets its work speak for itself. Archangels don’t need to one-up anyone. They don’t need to recite their achievements or wear them on their sleeve. They carry themselves with authority and humility. They have nothing to prove to anyone because they already know who they are! Yes!

I will have all faith and trust in my archangel husband because I will know completely and undeniably that he’s my protector and provider and supporter and my wonderful love-angel. Archangels understand and embrace the power of love. They’re not afraid of it. It’s their love for God and their understanding (and embracing) of His love for them that allows them to give and receive love freely! (Whoo! I love my archangel husband already!) People who know me know I love without reserve and my archangel husband will receive and return that love 100-fold.

My archangel husband will be made stronger because he’ll know he has the love of a good woman at all times. I’ll be made stronger by his love. We will be the perfect, power couple because our love will be our generator and our foundation.

Archangels are warriors. My archangel husband will have to be a warrior, because that’s who and what God has called me to be. My archangel husband not only won’t shrink away from battles, he’ll understand that I can’t and won’t either. He’ll know which battles I can handle on my own, which ones we need to fight side by side, and which ones he’ll have to stand in front of me and battle on my behalf. (Oh, I love my protective archangel husband to be!!)

Archangels don’t hesitate to fight for the side of right…which means they understand the difference between wrong and right. A man who can’t even conquer the wrong in his own life, is not an archangel-type. A true archangel-type man is not perfect – because no man is. But he self-corrects and seeks the Lord in areas where he may have challenges. He doesn’t deny wrongdoing or sin in his life. He faces it, admits it and then conquers it – with God’s help. That’s true archangel-type behavior.

An archangel is not trapped in bondage by sin and fear. He understands that truth and love are two of the most powerful weapons God has given us to fight with. He runs his life with those two things - truth and love.

My archangel husband is the same on the outside as he is on the inside. He’s not presenting one side to the world and another in private. A man who lies to himself and to others (or as scripture says, “looks in the mirror and immediately forgets what he looks like”) is not my archangel. My archangel husband is exactly who and what he presents himself to be! He is truthful to himself, to the world and to me, as I will be to him.

Speaking of truth, an archangel can be trusted with Godly things, worldly things, people – and with everything that concerns me…my spirit, my child, my family, my finances, my body, my mind and my heart. My archangel husband will be the spiritual head of our household.

A dear friend of mine questioned whether or not she should be looking for an archangel, as well. I told her not everyone needs one. It depends on your purpose. She jokingly responded, “Well, I don’t want a spiritual punk.” LOL – none of us want one of those. I assured her there are a lot of wonderful men in between a spiritual punk and an archangel.

In all honesty, I used to think I was going to have to marry a pastor, based on my purpose and calling. However, I realized (and told my friend) that pastors are not usually archangels, they’re usually more like Jesus – loving and merciful and gentle teachers. Archangels aren’t above Jesus, in fact, they do Jesus’ bidding. Pastors are usually assigned to shepherd a particular flock. For the most part, they have to remain stationary. Archangels, on the other hand, go wherever they’re called. They go where the battle is – which is what I’m called to do.

My archangel and I will be all over the world – sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, through the areas of work and purpose to which I’m called (and presumably he will be, too). Our gifts and talents will be complementary. We’ll strengthen and support each other, working hand in hand…literally, figuratively and lovingly.

This may all seem unrealistic to some people reading my blog. That’s okay. It’s not unrealistic to my archangel husband-to-be.

God has already told me I’m going to remarry. He’s already told me that my next husband will be my last. He’s already told me that together my husband and I will fulfill our purposes. Me helping him, and him helping me. I don’t need anyone else to co-sign on that for me….except my archangel when the Lord introduces us!

But for you doubters, let me say this…there’s someone for everyone. I’ve seen the most unattractive people happy in love. I’ve seen the least intelligent people happy in love. I’ve seen blind and paralyzed people happy in love. Their spouses are uniquely qualified and designed just for them. They were made for each other.

I know who I am and I know my purpose. My archangel husband is uniquely qualified, designed by God, to be my partner. The bottom line is, if I exist, then so does he.

I’m looking so forward to meeting him!!

Constantly Thinking...about my archangel husband-to-be.