I know that may be hard for some to believe because my divorce is nearly final. But I didn’t get a divorce because I don't love marriage. I got a divorce because I had a bad marriage.
The truth is I love not only the idea of marriage - the happy ending - but I even love the hard work that goes into it and the rewards of the hard work. I love the relationship maintenance. I love the fact that when you're with the right one, it’s a Ride or Die relationship.
Most people don’t approach marriage like that, though. They marry the wrong one for the wrong reasons, or the wrong one for the right reasons. Basically, they marry for the “right now” reasons….and then they struggle to “endure.”
Recently I read an article about women who were interviewed about their long, “enduring” marriages. They felt like since they stayed married for so many years, or they planned to stay married “until death did them part” that they had a wonderful, enduring marriage. Many of the women not only didn't love their husbands, they thought about getting a divorce at least once a week.
Now, I have no problem with commitment and stick-to-it-ness. I think people’s words should be their bonds...in general.
But let’s say I make a decision that I’m going to be a cigarette smoker. I commit to it. I buy several cartons of cigarettes. Then at some point I realize that was a “bad” decision. I thought it was a wise, Godly decision at first (for whatever reason) - but really it was just what I wanted to do at the time. Do I “stick” with it? Endure? Smoke every last one of those cigarettes until they kill me?
Or do I make another choice?
That article grieved my spirit so much. And not just that article. I’ve heard of too many marriages lately – long-lasting marriages – where there was no love whatsoever…marriages where God got no glory. Any non-believer looking at these “Christian” marriages would say, “Why on earth would I want that?”
A loveless marriage will kill you…slowly…sometimes quickly and always painfully...as you endure.
I can just hear the dissent now. But let me ask this....
Do any of us want a love like that?
Love is not just a feeling, it’s a verb. It has action behind it. It determines how we treat people, how we speak about them, how we look at them. Would any of us want to say of our spouse, “My husband doesn’t really love me. He just endures me. We’ll probably be married until we die…but not because we love each other. Just because we’re sticking it out. Enduring.”
Some people actually think that’s okay….that it’s right!
If God just “endured” us...just put up with us...because He said he would...not because He really loved us, would that be okay?
More importantly, what if we loved God like that? “I don't really love Him. I think maybe I did at some point. But now, I'm just going through the motions because I said I'd stick with Him until I died.” Aren’t those the ones about which Jesus said He’d say “I never knew you”?
Fortunately, God really, really loves us...unconditionally. He does special things for us, even when He doesn't have to. He’s always there to listen and talk to us. He takes care of us. He spoils us. He makes us better people. He doesn’t play petty games with us. (“I'm not going to call you if you don't call me.” “I’m mad at you so I’m going to act like I don’t love you.”)
And He wants us to choose Him and love Him back. God doesn’t do “going through the motions.”
What God has put together let no man put asunder. But what about the crap we put together on our own and then stamp God's name on - because we're Christian. “Endurance” is not enough of a reason to call a marriage “Christian.” Real, unconditional love is about so much more than endurance.
Don’t get me wrong, endurance is important. But it’s not a stand-alone support beam. When you have the right one, for the right reasons, and you’re in love with them, then endurance is one piece of a loving marriage. Endurance gets you through the tough times. If you don’t have love, though, endurance becomes a prison sentence.
Fortunately, I have seen some really, really wonderful, loving marriages. I’ve seen couples who are crazy about each other 30+ years into it. When I hear a woman or man say about their spouse, “Aww, that’s my baby,” and you can see the twinkle in their eyes and hear the warmth in their voice, I know that’s love.
Real love makes you want see your spouse happy, no matter what the cost. Your good days are brighter; your bad days are bearable because of real love. You want to be a better man or woman and encourage your spouse to be all that they can be because of real love.
Endurance doesn’t do ANY of that!
I’ve heard a man say “I don’t have to ‘treat’ her like I love her. I’m taking care of her and paying the bills, so that ought to be enough.”
A good friend had his woman say, “Why do you keep asking me if I love you?! I’m still here! That should be good enough!”
Um, no thanks. I’d rather not have that kind of love. “Good enough” is not the standard. Maybe that’s the “endurance” standard. Not mine, though.
That’s not the kind of love I give and it’s not the kind I want to receive. I’m not interested in “enduring” for “endurance” sake. I want real love. I’ll wait for it.
For me, real, unconditional love - which results in a great marriage – isn’t the absence of challenge or conflict. It’s not even maintaining the butterfly high we feel at the beginning of the relationship. I know that there’s a flow in relationships. There are emotional highs and lows.
The trick, however, and for me a characteristic of unconditional love - or at least the way I express it - is that your mate doesn’t feel the lows.
Even if we feel them periodically, even though our spouse may know they’re there, we don’t have to treat them like it.
Is that realistic? Jesus’ example says it is. If I hadn’t seen real couples in love after years and years of marriage, perhaps I’d think that only Jesus could love like that.
Perhaps that’s what real loving endurance is: Treating the spouse that you love like you love them, even when you don’t feel like it…even when you (or they) may be going through a lull.
Now that kind of endurance I can do.
Constantly Thinking….
