The Eyes of Affection

I have too often heard "She (or he) doesn't look at me with the same love and respect she used to." When you find yourself thinking or saying this, you may want to ask yourself what you've done that has been less than respectable.

It is hard to maintain a relationship with someone when they stop looking at you with love, admiration and respect. 

This dynamic is true of all relationships - friendships, professional relationships, and especially romantic relationships. It is almost impossible to sustain a relationship when respect has been damaged or destroyed, unless you repair and rebuild it. 

The truth is that people stop respecting us when we stop acting in a respectable manner. Living our lives in a respectable manner, therefore, can be the key to sustaining healthy, loving relationships.

That may sound simplistic, but it's not. Living in a respectable manner takes a conscious decision and is not always easy.

The question then is what constitutes respectable behavior? Does it mean perfection? Prudishness? Not having flaws or shortcomings? Of course not. People can and will forgive mistakes and shortcomings when they're admitted or acknowledged.

What dents the respect is the unacknowledged, unrepentant and/or repeated selfish behavior that causes hurt or pain to others.

Respectable behavior does the opposite of that. The true mark of respectable character is not perfection, but someone who acknowledges, apologizes, repents, and then does not repeat the wrongdoing. Furthermore, when someone of respectable character makes a mistake or allows selfishness to get the best of them, it is usually short-lived. They can’t live there. Their character won’t allow them to stay in that place.

When a loved one (friend or colleague) can no longer see you through eyes of affection, it is often the beginning of the end. Disdain and disrespect are caused by repeated and/or unacknowledged selfishness.

You can rebuild or restore the trust and respect, however, if you humble yourself, acknowledge your mistakes and, most importantly, show you’re truly repentant by not doing it again.

Constantly Thinking…

“I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have hurt people I love because of my thoughtlessness. I have hurt innocent people because of my selfishness. To those I hurt I say this: I know I can’t repair all of the damage I’ve done. I can only vow to do better; to act in a more respectable manner. My words and my actions going forward will reflect my choice to be a better person. I hope you will give me a second chance; a chance to show you that I have changed. I have recognized the error of my ways. I am not who I was before.”

Keeping the Lion Safe

This post will be much shorter than the one for the women, because men keep it simple and uncomplicated. (One of the many things I love about them!)

What makes your lions feel safe?

Well, based on what men have shared with me directly, and based on observation, what makes them feel safe are two primary things:

1. Being respected
2. Physical affection

Period. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Constantly Thinking…

Blogger’s Note to the Lionesses

This additional explanation is for the women. Men don’t need it.

Respect includes:

1. Not being emasculated – through word, deed, tone, or facial expression (i.e. eye rolling, speaking to them like they’re children)
2. Being trusted and listened to, which can be synonymous with submission. Before your feathers get ruffled, let me make a statement about the scary submission word:
1. Imagine a sports team, with a team captain. Everyone on the team is valuable, but there is a leader. The man feels safest when he is in the team captain role. It actually feels good with them there, too. If you don’t want to be on a team with a captain, or if you insist on being the team captain, perhaps you don’t really want to be in a relationship (with a strong man).

Physical affection – Giving a man physical affection affirms or reaffirms many things that we need separately as women.

1. It tells them they’re attractive, physically desirable and sexy
2. It gives them peace of mind (sex is a stress reliever)
3. It provides emotionally stability – it confirms that we still care about them, and that we’re not (still) mad
4. It allows them to both be strong and vulnerable at the same time 

I love men. The good ones (and there are many) make life so much more enjoyable. The great ones are priceless, lovable, respect-worthy, and delightful. They own my heart!

The Ratchet Twerking Culture

“All Black men cheat, have no job, have multiple babies by multiple baby mamas, and are criminals. All Black women are single baby mama ho’s who love to go out twerkin’, and are only attracted to bad boy criminals.” That’s what society and even our own ethnic culture would have us believe. They’re just keeping it real, right? What’s the problem?

The first problem is – it’s not true for all of us. Secondly, for those who believe it and walk in it, even if they are the majority – they don’t represent MY culture. I’m out!

I recently watched a Christian program with young black men on a panel. I was disgusted and disillusioned by their words and their mindset about women – not just because they were “Christians” but because they were black men. The audience just applauded and nodded as they called women B’s and Ho’s. Males AND females nodded and applauded, and the pastor leading the show said nothing to rebut the men. Comments were made that they were just “keeping it real.” It occurred to me how many people I knew would watch or hear what they were saying and just agree. “At least they’re being honest.” It made me sick to my stomach and, frankly, I got angry! Livid, in fact.

It made realize – and say out loud – MY future husband is NOT coming from this culture, because my husband would never think or say the things those men just said about women. The culture that my future husband is part of would not find that acceptable. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually cultures who would not allow their men to get up on national television and speak disrespectfully about their women.

And for the record, to the people – men and women – who think that’s what “keeping it real” means, I’m not affiliated with you either.

I don’t just blame the men. I blame the women who have accepted being called Ho’s and B’s - in music and to their faces and by their girlfriends. I blame the women who have presented themselves as a sex object only – through their attire, their video appearances, their promiscuity, their “ratchet twerking.” My sister/girlfriend put it best, “When I was growing up, only unattractive girls had to put it out there like that on the dance floor (i.e. ratchet twerking).” Now that’s the norm. Music videos are filled with beautiful women dancing like a…like nothing but a sex object.

My sister/girlfriend went on to say that if young women decided that men who chose to be felons, drug dealers and gangbangers were off the date-able list, crime would drop to an all-time low. If men knew that once they went to prison for some craziness, they’d never have another woman again, you’d never see another man (worth having) in jail! The prison business would dry up. If women stopped being attracted to the bad boys, and decided that intelligence, respect and integrity was most attractive, more men would pick up a book or go to college, and treat women with respect. We set the tone, “ladies,” even men admit that. If we put it out there, they’ll take it!

But after presenting ourselves as anything BUT a wife, we want men to respect us, and marry us, and be a good provider. We want the Bad Boy to now become a Good Man. It doesn’t work that way.

I am not and have never been part of the culture that wants to be called a B or Ho. I’m not and will never be part of the ratchet twerking culture. I have never been part of the culture that thinks it’s cool to date a man in prison. (What the what??) Bad boys are just that to me – Bad and Boys. I'm attracted to Men.

Intelligent, confident men with integrity – regardless of their ethnicity – are who does it for me. If that means I date outside my race, so be it. I’ve never had a problem with that. I’ve decided that my “culture” is no longer just my ethnicity. The culture I identify with is defined by what’s on the inside. The culture that thinks calling women out of their name is okay, that treats and condones promiscuity and infidelity like it’s the accepted norm – I’ve turned in my membership card to that culture (if I ever had one). Tear a stripe of my arm if you want to. I’m happy not to be part of your “Keeping It Real, Ratchet Twerking” Club.

And, just “keeping it real” – it’s not just because I’m a “holier than thou” Christian. I wasn’t a ratchet twerker, bad boy dater before I got saved. I’ve always had more respect for myself than that! With very few exceptions, I’ve dated amazing, intelligent, respectable men, by anyone’s standards.

Fortunately, I’m hearing from more and more people – men and women, young and mature, from all ethnicities – who are fed up with the twerking, the criminals, the promiscuity, the infidelity, the low standards, the lack of respect, and the negative cultural stereotypes that seem to be both societal and ethnic. A new culture is evolving, and I’m happy to be part of it.

I was so encouraged by reading a young, attractive, intelligent, Black man’s Facebook post yesterday. It lets me know that a much-needed culture shift is, indeed, occurring.

I hope he’s sitting up on the panel the next time I turn on my television. He gives me hope.