The Eyes of Affection

I have too often heard "She (or he) doesn't look at me with the same love and respect she used to." When you find yourself thinking or saying this, you may want to ask yourself what you've done that has been less than respectable.

It is hard to maintain a relationship with someone when they stop looking at you with love, admiration and respect. 

This dynamic is true of all relationships - friendships, professional relationships, and especially romantic relationships. It is almost impossible to sustain a relationship when respect has been damaged or destroyed, unless you repair and rebuild it. 

The truth is that people stop respecting us when we stop acting in a respectable manner. Living our lives in a respectable manner, therefore, can be the key to sustaining healthy, loving relationships.

That may sound simplistic, but it's not. Living in a respectable manner takes a conscious decision and is not always easy.

The question then is what constitutes respectable behavior? Does it mean perfection? Prudishness? Not having flaws or shortcomings? Of course not. People can and will forgive mistakes and shortcomings when they're admitted or acknowledged.

What dents the respect is the unacknowledged, unrepentant and/or repeated selfish behavior that causes hurt or pain to others.

Respectable behavior does the opposite of that. The true mark of respectable character is not perfection, but someone who acknowledges, apologizes, repents, and then does not repeat the wrongdoing. Furthermore, when someone of respectable character makes a mistake or allows selfishness to get the best of them, it is usually short-lived. They can’t live there. Their character won’t allow them to stay in that place.

When a loved one (friend or colleague) can no longer see you through eyes of affection, it is often the beginning of the end. Disdain and disrespect are caused by repeated and/or unacknowledged selfishness.

You can rebuild or restore the trust and respect, however, if you humble yourself, acknowledge your mistakes and, most importantly, show you’re truly repentant by not doing it again.

Constantly Thinking…

“I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have hurt people I love because of my thoughtlessness. I have hurt innocent people because of my selfishness. To those I hurt I say this: I know I can’t repair all of the damage I’ve done. I can only vow to do better; to act in a more respectable manner. My words and my actions going forward will reflect my choice to be a better person. I hope you will give me a second chance; a chance to show you that I have changed. I have recognized the error of my ways. I am not who I was before.”

The Art of Gift Giving

Years ago, one of my exes bought me an over-sized sweatshirt with his favorite team’s logo on it…for my birthday.

“It’s too big,” I lamented.

“Okay, I’ll wear it,” he said.

Hmmm…

Then there’s the husband who buys his wife a set of pots and pans for Mother’s Day, so she’ll cook more. Or the wife who gives her husband a spa gift certificate “so he can relax” but secretly knows he’ll just give it to her (since he doesn’t like massages or spas).

There's the kid who buys his parents video games for Christmas.

Or there’s the house guest who brings their personal preferences to your house but calls it a gift for you.

“I thought I’d buy you this soap for your guest bathroom. It’s the kind I use.”

We can say, “It’s the thought that counts,” but when the thought is more about the gift giver than the gift recipient, that doesn’t really work.

Selflessness and honesty are the best policy when it comes to gift giving.

You bring me a new shower head for a bathroom I never use, it’s not a gift for me. It’s a preference for you. You actually should ask first when you’re a guest, but if not, just be honest and say, “I hope it’s okay that I bought a stronger shower head for your bathroom. That little stream of water wasn’t getting the soap off.”

You give me a sweatshirt for your favorite sports team, at least buy two – one in my size, one in yours.

You want to buy a set of pots and pans, don’t do it on a holiday. Just buy for them for the house. But if they’re to hint that your wife isn’t cooking enough, they’re just rude. It would be better to hire a cook for a week. Now that would be a nice gift!

You buy a spa day for your husband when he doesn’t like spas? You’re just being selfish. Buy him sports tickets instead, and you go to the spa while he’s hanging out at the game with the fellas.

Personally, I love buying the absolute perfect gifts for my absolute favorite people. It means studying them, learning their preferences, getting what THEY want, not what you want them to have.

Try it.

Constantly Thinking...about buying gifts...