The Eyes of Affection

I have too often heard "She (or he) doesn't look at me with the same love and respect she used to." When you find yourself thinking or saying this, you may want to ask yourself what you've done that has been less than respectable.

It is hard to maintain a relationship with someone when they stop looking at you with love, admiration and respect. 

This dynamic is true of all relationships - friendships, professional relationships, and especially romantic relationships. It is almost impossible to sustain a relationship when respect has been damaged or destroyed, unless you repair and rebuild it. 

The truth is that people stop respecting us when we stop acting in a respectable manner. Living our lives in a respectable manner, therefore, can be the key to sustaining healthy, loving relationships.

That may sound simplistic, but it's not. Living in a respectable manner takes a conscious decision and is not always easy.

The question then is what constitutes respectable behavior? Does it mean perfection? Prudishness? Not having flaws or shortcomings? Of course not. People can and will forgive mistakes and shortcomings when they're admitted or acknowledged.

What dents the respect is the unacknowledged, unrepentant and/or repeated selfish behavior that causes hurt or pain to others.

Respectable behavior does the opposite of that. The true mark of respectable character is not perfection, but someone who acknowledges, apologizes, repents, and then does not repeat the wrongdoing. Furthermore, when someone of respectable character makes a mistake or allows selfishness to get the best of them, it is usually short-lived. They can’t live there. Their character won’t allow them to stay in that place.

When a loved one (friend or colleague) can no longer see you through eyes of affection, it is often the beginning of the end. Disdain and disrespect are caused by repeated and/or unacknowledged selfishness.

You can rebuild or restore the trust and respect, however, if you humble yourself, acknowledge your mistakes and, most importantly, show you’re truly repentant by not doing it again.

Constantly Thinking…

“I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have hurt people I love because of my thoughtlessness. I have hurt innocent people because of my selfishness. To those I hurt I say this: I know I can’t repair all of the damage I’ve done. I can only vow to do better; to act in a more respectable manner. My words and my actions going forward will reflect my choice to be a better person. I hope you will give me a second chance; a chance to show you that I have changed. I have recognized the error of my ways. I am not who I was before.”

Keeping the Lion Safe

This post will be much shorter than the one for the women, because men keep it simple and uncomplicated. (One of the many things I love about them!)

What makes your lions feel safe?

Well, based on what men have shared with me directly, and based on observation, what makes them feel safe are two primary things:

1. Being respected
2. Physical affection

Period. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Constantly Thinking…

Blogger’s Note to the Lionesses

This additional explanation is for the women. Men don’t need it.

Respect includes:

1. Not being emasculated – through word, deed, tone, or facial expression (i.e. eye rolling, speaking to them like they’re children)
2. Being trusted and listened to, which can be synonymous with submission. Before your feathers get ruffled, let me make a statement about the scary submission word:
1. Imagine a sports team, with a team captain. Everyone on the team is valuable, but there is a leader. The man feels safest when he is in the team captain role. It actually feels good with them there, too. If you don’t want to be on a team with a captain, or if you insist on being the team captain, perhaps you don’t really want to be in a relationship (with a strong man).

Physical affection – Giving a man physical affection affirms or reaffirms many things that we need separately as women.

1. It tells them they’re attractive, physically desirable and sexy
2. It gives them peace of mind (sex is a stress reliever)
3. It provides emotionally stability – it confirms that we still care about them, and that we’re not (still) mad
4. It allows them to both be strong and vulnerable at the same time 

I love men. The good ones (and there are many) make life so much more enjoyable. The great ones are priceless, lovable, respect-worthy, and delightful. They own my heart!

Safe

Feeling safe in a relationship is priceless.

We’re so used to feeling vulnerable when we care about someone that we don’t realize we can actually feel safe and vulnerable at the same time.

The feeling of falling…in love... makes you feel uncomfortable…but not necessarily unsafe, I’ve learned.

Feeling safe doesn’t just mean feeling physically safe, although that’s incredibly important, too. You want a man who can protect you if need be.

Feeling safe means you feel emotionally safe. You don’t always have to be “on.” You can be quiet, introspective and relaxed, or bouncy, or weepy, or grumpy without worrying that your relationship will be in jeopardy.

Feeling safe means you can feel safe to be uninhibited, safe to be vulnerable, safe to be silly, safe to be serious, safe to be who you are.

Safe means you know they’ll have your back – protect and defend your character and good name – whether you’re in their presence or not.

Safe means you can relinquish your position of power and submit to their will and their decisions, because you know they won’t do anything to harm you.

Feeling safe means you can share your highlights and challenges, your weaknesses and fears, without fear of embarrassment or shame.

Interestingly enough, I used to equate trust and safety. You would think they would be synonymous, or at least go hand in hand. Not necessarily so. Think Oskar Schindler with his wife. She couldn’t trust him to be faithful, but she felt safe with him.

Of course, in relationships we desire, and need, both. Having one, however, doesn’t mean you have the other; and the same is true in the reverse. Not having trust, doesn’t mean you don’t feel safe; and not feeling safe doesn’t mean you can’t trust your mate. I have known men who I have trusted implicitly, but did not feel safe with.

It took years before I felt safe in a relationship. I had no idea it was even possible until I experienced it.

Feeling safe is definitely worth waiting for. Now that I’ve experienced it, I don’t settle for anything less, not in any relationship. Friendships where you’re not safe are not friendships at all. They’re associates. I recently quarreled with a significant other who, unintentionally, made it clear that our relationship was not safe. I let him know I was not willing to accept that. Been there, done that. Won’t go backwards.

Feeling safe is no longer optional. It’s a requirement. It will be reciprocated. That’s just the way I love. I have a special person in my life that makes me feel safe right now. Our relationship is priceless. I have a few close friends where the safety is mutual. Priceless.

Today, I pay homage to the first man who made me feel safe. He changed my life. He set a standard and an expectation that must be met by all others.

Constantly Thinking…about feeling safe