When talking to a client/friend recently, I used the phrase “living grief.”
I made it up on the spot to explain the grief felt when a
relationship – with someone still living – ends.
I have found, with few exceptions, that living grief is much
more difficult for me to process and get over than the grief I feel when
someone I love passes away.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel both – intensely. But there is
sometimes a peace about someone who passes away. If they’ve been in pain,
especially physical pain, I am thankful that they are no longer suffering. If
they were advanced in years and could no longer do the things they used to, I imagine
them in heaven young and vibrant.
Even with the sudden and unexpected losses that I’ve experienced,
once I’ve gotten over the trauma, I truly believe that God swept them up to
heaven to spare them from some horrendousness that we couldn’t even imagine.
(There is scripture to support this.)
I’ve realized that break-ups – both romantic and platonic –
are much harder for me to get over.
I believe it’s because I’m processing both the loss of and
the rejection from someone I care(d) about. How could someone not want my love?
How could I think something was good or even great, but they thought it was bad
or that it had no value?
Living grief often keeps me stuck in a loop, hashing and
rehashing what happened, what was said, what could have been misunderstood – by
both of us.
Sometimes, to get over it, I will think of the person as
being dead. Not in a callous “you’re dead to me” type of way. Just in a way
that helps me not to expect them to be in my life any longer. I can still have
cherished memories, just don’t expect their presence.
Of course, that only works until I see them again. Seeing
them again often creates a shockwave that sends me spiraling backwards into the
“mental loop of bondage.”
To get over the “living grief,” I’ve tried prayer, putting them
in my “God urn” (where I put things that only God can handle), removing them
from my contacts and all my social media accounts. Still, as fate would have
it, they pop up – again and again.
I’ve asked God how He processes people who reject Him or
find no value in a relationship with Him. Mostly, He says, “Shake the dust off
your feet...” and keep it pushing.
That has been what’s helped me most. Recognizing there are
people who want to be in a relationship with me (platonic or romantic) and
focusing my time there.
Why focus on the painful rejection when there are so many
who are offering and reciprocating your love?
It doesn’t mean I won’t feel the loss sometimes. I will. Just
as I still feel the loss of loved ones who have passed away.
With those who have passed away, I redirect by focusing on
cherished memories.
Now, when I’m feeling the pain of “living grief,” I turn my attention to those who choose to be in my life. Those who love and value me, just as I love and value them.
Constantly Thinking…
