Not every match is a match made in heaven. Here are 10 dating pitfalls that I have frequently heard or
observed single Christian women experiencing, and some of which I’ve
experienced myself, unfortunately.
1) Assuming every man in church is saved
It would be wonderful if this was the case but, alas, it is
not. Just because you meet a man in church doesn’t mean he’s a believer. I’ve
heard more Christian women lament, “But I met him in church!” If you met a man in a
hospital, it wouldn’t mean he was a doctor. If you met a man at the grocery
store, it wouldn’t mean he knew how to cook. Just because a man is at church
doesn’t mean he has a relationship with Jesus. He may be there for business reasons,
or he could be scouting for good Christian women - with no positive intent in mind. Most importantly, he may be
there because he’s trying to turn his life around – but hasn’t yet.
2) Assuming all good men are in church
Church is not the only place to meet a good man. Good men
are everywhere. You can meet them at school, in the work place, through mutual
friends, at a company or business you frequent. Sometimes they’re new to the
area and haven’t found a church home yet. Sometimes they haven’t yet received
Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and perhaps you’ll be the one who
introduces them. Church is not a destination or pick-up spot for singles, it should be a foundational place of spiritual rejuvenation. Most of us
meet people all day long in all of our business and personal dealings. Should a
man assume you’re not a good woman because he didn’t meet you in church? I'm Christian all day long, wherever I am. My good man will be, too, regardless of where we end up meeting.
3) Assuming all men in church are good
Not all men who are in church and claim to be Christian are
good men (or even Christian men). They may be a new believer whose spirit has not yet been renewed – so
they still engage in criminal or other destructive behavior. Or, they may be a
Judas – someone who knows the truth, and hangs around with Jesus, but whose
heart is hardened. They may be someone who’s living a double life – a man who’s
looking to have a Christian wife and family as a façade so that he can still
appear to be a pillar and man of integrity to his friends, family and community
– but really he’s on the DL, or he’s a serial adulterer, or he’s a child molester.
It sounds extreme, but I’m personally aware of all of these things happening to
Christian women.
4) Forgetting you’re an ambassador for Christ and compromising
yourself emotionally and physically
Christian single women can become unintentional hypocrites
when their heart gets involved. You proclaim you’re holy and abstaining, but once
you get involved with that fine smooth talker, your flesh gets enflamed and you
find yourself saying one thing but engaging in another. Ladies, a good man will
never put you in a compromising position – regardless of whether he’s a
believer or not. It’s common for men to say (and women to believe), “Well, if
you’re putting it out there, we’re going to take it.” All men don’t feel that
way. That’s a fallacy. There are good men out there who will walk away even
from a woman who’s throwing herself at him. And that’s what we need to do, walk
away from a man who encourages us to compromise ourselves. If you were a US
ambassador to a foreign country, could someone in that country convince you to
break every law and act in an unbecoming way that would cause you to lose your
ambassadorship? If they tried, wouldn’t you walk away from them? As Christians,
we are all ambassadors for Christ. We should walk away from anyone who would
try to get us to compromise our position. That doesn’t just apply to singles,
or women, it applies to all Christians.
5) Falling prey to false prophets
Many Christian women are tragically naïve when approached by
men who say they’re Christian. There are men who will pursue you, knowing
you’re a Christian, and say God told them you were supposed to be together.
Women automatically believe them because they used God’s name, and therefore,
naïvely neglect to check out the man’s character. Even the demons didn’t buy it
when some false prophets tried to use Jesus’ name. (Acts 19:13-16) Why do we,
who claim to know Jesus and who, as His sheep, should recognize His voice, fall
prey to men who invoke His name? A young woman I know, fell prey to an ex-con with no
job, an abusive past, and a host of other women he was sleeping with, because he told her
that God said she was supposed to be his – and she believed him. I asked her if
she believed that I would fix her up with a man like that. She said no – that if
he’d used MY name, she would have known he was lying because I’d never send her
a man like that. I told her that meant she knew my voice and character more
than she knew God’s. She needed to spend more time with God so she would know
His voice, His character and the kind of man He’d send her. No one should be
able to dupe us, as Christians, by using God’s name as a character reference.
6) Believing God will make the forbidden apple “unforbidden”
just for you
Once we’ve found ourselves attracted to and/or involved with
the wrong man, we begin praying to God to make him the right man. We envision
ourselves as David’s Bathsheba – it started off wrong, but then became right when
they ended up becoming Solomon’s parents. Maybe, just maybe, God will bless our
mess, too. He won’t. David and Bathsheba’s mess caused the death of two people
– her husband and their child. There is a price to pay for being out of order
with God. The forbidden apple is forbidden for a reason. Gather your strength, walk away and repent before
even greater destruction occurs.
7) Sending mixed messages
Christian women dress in provocative clothing and pick up
men at the club; or take scantily clad pictures and post them on online dating
sights. They present themselves as one type of woman to capture a man’s
attention, then they try to spring on him that they’re really a good Christian girl.
Many men will just walk away when they realize they’ve been duped. However, for
those who don’t, all your “mixed message” behavior tells him is that even
though you may go to church, you are absolutely willing to compromise your
Christian principles to be with a man. He knows, at some point, he’ll be able
to get anything he wants.
8) Assuming every man who approaches you was sent by God
Many Christian women look at every single man they meet and
think, “Could he be the one??” I’m sorry to say, most are not. How could every
man possibly be sent by God? And you don’t have to test them all out either. Use your
discernment and decline some approaches. You do not have to say yes to every
man who asks you out or asks for your number - and that's not being unkind or judgmental, it's being wise.
I recently realized that I relied more on my dating discernment
skills before I was saved than after I got saved. Before I was saved, if
someone even smelled funny, he didn’t make the cut. Once I was saved, however, I
ignored the red flags that even the Holy Spirit was sending to me. I entered
into relationships that sent my spirit into a tailspin because I repeatedly
heard – “Maybe it’s not them, maybe you’re just being judgmental.” I didn't just hear that from others or only from the men who wanted me to give them a chance,
I said it to myself, as well.
Ladies, we have a discerning spirit for a reason. If we don’t
listen to it before our heart gets engaged, we will most assuredly experience
heartache.
9) Assuming every man who approaches you was sent by the devil
Just as all men you meet aren’t good men, all men you meet
aren’t evil either. I know some women who think any man who approaches them
must be after one thing, one wrong thing. They feel like God Himself will place
the right man in their life, miraculously, at the right time. One day, they’ll
just wake up married. Um, no. It doesn’t work like that. Men – good ones and
bad ones – will approach you, and should. It’s up to you to determine how to
respond, by listening to the Holy Spirit inside of you.
When you realize you’re not compatible with a man, that
doesn’t mean he’s Satan’s spawn. It just means he’s meant for someone else.
Yes, there will be counterfeits who try to get our attention or capture our
heart for the wrong reasons but, again, that’s why we have discernment. If we
follow our spirit – versus our flesh, brain or heart – we will know which men
deserve our attention and which ones don’t.
10) Assuming you’re compatible and equally yoked with any and
all Christian men
Many Christian single women don’t realize that even though
someone may wear the Christian label, they may still be unequally yoked with
you. This is, by far, the biggest pitfall in my opinion. “Christian” is huge
category, that people mistakenly seem to think covers or includes all that is
good and right and compatible with us. We don’t do that with any other characteristic. The
thinking seems to be: He’s Christian, therefore he’s perfect. He’s Christian,
therefore he thinks and acts just like you do. He’s Christian, therefore his
purpose and beliefs, child-rearing opinions, political views, money management
skills, husband ability, work ethic, etc., etc. are just like yours. That is
NOT true.
Would you say that about anything else? He’s a Republican,
therefore you two will be perfect for each other. He’s from France and so are
you, therefore you two will be perfect for each other. He has a job, and so do
you, therefore you will be perfect for each other. He walks upright and so do you, therefore you must be a match made in heaven.
When the Bible talks about being equally yoked, it doesn’t
just mean Christian vs. non-Christian. The Bible talks about different belief systems
even within the Christian faith. It talks about levels of faith. It talks about
meat vs. milk. Equally yoked applies to all of that.
At most, being Christian is a starting point. The same way “he’s
male, I’m female” is a starting point. Okay, we have the basics out of the way,
now let’s look at the rest of the character.
To that end, don’t try to fit or force men who are unequally
yoked into your Christian image – even if you’re both Christian. It won’t work
and it will just frustrate both of you.
As you mature and prepare yourself for being in a strong, loving, life-long relationship, remember that the selection process is the most important thing before entering into covenant. If you can avoid some of the above pitfalls, it can save you a literal lifetime of heart ache.
Constantly Thinking...about relationships...
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This blog deals, specifically, with some of
the pitfalls and incorrect thinking that Christian single women deal face because
I have found some challenges to be unique to them. However, most of the time
when I speak to, counsel and address women (single or married) their religious
beliefs have little or no bearing on the issues of the heart.
If you’re teaching someone how to swim or ride a bike, it
doesn’t matter what their religious beliefs are. Some things are just fundamental.
Most of my relationship counseling is based on the fundamental issues.
