The 10 Most Important Life Lessons I've Learned (So Far)

Here are the 10 most important life lessons I've learned so far (and I'm still learning).

1. Don't give your word unless you can keep it. When you have to break your word, tell them before they can tell you. Being honest and up front shows your integrity.
2. Love without reserve. Preserve the relationships you cherish. When you really care about someone, choosing to preserve the relationship rather than winning every argument, shows how much you really care. Be willing to be vulnerable. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you know how to love. Your willingness to love and be vulnerable should always be stronger than your pride.
3.  Your job as a parent is the most important job you'll ever have. You're helping to form a life. Don't assume that teachers, peers or family members can do your teaching and loving for you. Your goal as a parent should be to prepare your children for life without you. Don't cripple them by over- or under-parenting.
4.  Never date a married man. Unless he's your husband. Then date him as often as you can! If you happen to fall in love with a married man, walk away. Preserve his marriage and your good character.
5. Take care of the body you have. It's the only one you'll get. Even when it's bigger or smaller than you prefer, love your body like it's a gift. That not only shows your confidence, it's very attractive to the opposite sex. Men may think they have a physical type, but a woman confident about her body and comfortable in her own skin, regardless of size, is attractive to most men.
6. Be the team. Relationships are all about knowing and believing you're part of a team. You two have to have each other's back. No one should be allowed to get in between you. Never speak ill of your mate to other people. It only makes you look bad.
7. Learn to apologize with no excuses. A simple, "I am so sorry" goes a long way. Recognize that when you're really sorry, you don't do it again.
8. Learn to rebound quickly. We all make mistakes. It's a part of life. If you screw up, and you will, pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Repent or apologize if you have to. Then start all over again. How long it takes you to rebound shows your resilience.
9. Do what's right rather than what's easy. Rest assured, sometimes easy is right, but not often. What's right is rarely about the right now. Have vision and think past the right now.
10. Live in and appreciate the present. Don't wish for what will be or long for what was - at least not to the point where you can't appreciate the gift of now. Savor every experience, every relationship, every job, while you have it. It will end at some point. Living in the present shows your ability to be content.

Constantly Thinking...

How I Stopped Attracting Heathens

About a year ago, I decided and declared that I would no longer attract the dangerous, damaging, destructive type of people - HEATHENS - I'd been attracting.

Instead, I made the conscious decision that I would attract and surround myself with wonderful people of integrity, faithful, loyal, great character, good hearts, kind, smart, funny, strong, humble people.

And I did!

I am now surrounded by great, good people. I work with and for people who are models of integrity and great character, absolutely amazing men and women! My closest friends - new and lifelong - are goodness and light.

Don't get me wrong, there are still HEATHENS out there...and I encounter them regularly. The difference is that now they don't stick. They don't stay. They can't slide into the holes of brokenness that were open for them before.

I know some of you are thinking, "Wait. Birds of a feather..." That's only partially correct. Opposites also attract. Victims attract bullies or abusers. Naive people attract scam artists. "The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool." (S. King.)

I unintentionally attracted people who were preying on my naivete, brokenness and weakness. Here are the steps I took to break the cycle.

First, I had to become more self-aware. I had to recognize and admit to myself that, as smart as I am, I can also be very trusting and naive. Smart people don't want to admit that about themselves. If you don't, however, you can get stuck.

Second, I made a declaration: "I am NOT going to attract these types of people anymore." Seems basic, but it's not. Verbalizing a decision is powerful and priceless. Words have power. When we hear ourselves say it, we begin to rewire our brain.

Third, I tuned my radar and discernment toward the good people. We can't stay focused on what we don't want. We have to tune our focus and attention on what we do want. When you start shopping for a new house, you begin to see more houses for sale. When you decide it's time to upgrade your car, you start looking at new car models. That's when you know you mean business. When I decided to change my circle, I started paying attention to the type of people I wanted to attract.

Fourth, and possibly most importantly, I walked it out and walked away.

When predators, liars, cheaters, pessimists, thieves, schemers and other cruel people - HEATHENS - started to come my way, I turned them away or turned my back. I stopped trying to search for the good in them. Their goodness has to be more apparent than that. If I have to dig through the crap to find it, that's a warning sign. That may sound harsh. It's not. I don't shun the broken...we're all broken. I repel the destructive people. I may still have to deal with them for business, or because they're a family member, but they won't be part of my inner circle. They won't have access to my heart, mind or spirit.

There was a time when I was so surrounded by HEATHENS that I thought the world was overrun by them. It's not. My perspective was skewed because a handful of them surrounded the cage I was trapped in.

My life is so much better, lighter, happier, calmer, Godlier because I stopped attracting HEATHENS!

You should try it.

Constantly Thinking...

Getting Past the Butterfly Stage

Many people are under the mistaken impression that mutual love and affection either wanes or doesn't exist beyond the butterfly stage. That is absolutely untrue.

I have been in relationships for years - both with friends and romantic interests - where my affection, admiration and love for them is just as strong as it was when we first met. In some cases it's even stronger because I've had a chance to observe them as they handle challenging situations with wisdom, integrity and compassion.

The man who currently has my heart has demonstrated his strong character and integrity time and time again. My affection and admiration for him has already surpassed the butterfly stage. I've dealt with him at his best and at his worst. His character hasn't changed even in the most difficult of circumstances. Fortunately, the feelings are wonderfully mutual.

Butterfly feelings flit away. Butterflies enjoy the nectar then move on to the next flower. I've been involved with those men (and fair weather friends), as well. I've also probably been that butterfly myself, at times. Not anymore, though.

I'm attracting people with the kind of character you want to enjoy for a lifetime.

True love, admiration, and respect lasts forever.

Constantly Thinking...

Integrity: The Gold Standard

I recently chose not to do business with someone due to a lack of integrity. They had the skill set, the experience, the ability to get the job done. However, they misrepresented themselves personally and professionally. Recognizing that, I chose not to put my well-being in the hands of someone I couldn’t fully trust, because if anything went wrong I couldn’t honestly say it was a surprise.

That was me using my intuition, paying attention to red flags. Too often I’ve ignored them or over-ruled them with logic or emotion. These days, however, I’ve turned up the volume and I listen when I get that warning tap on the shoulder.

If companies won't hire someone with poor character and lack of integrity - as revealed by a poor interview, bad references and a failed background check - why would I do business with them?

Having integrity does not mean being perfect. It doesn’t mean never making mistakes, bad choices or even misspeaking. We all do those things.

Integrity means owning up to your words or actions. Integrity means being man or woman enough to admit when you were wrong, you messed up, or you chose poorly.

Integrity is about strength, not weakness.

Integrity means making the right play most of the time versus making the easy play or the self-interested, damaging to others play.

Integrity is about character and trust.

People with integrity tend to surround themselves with others who are like-minded and have similar character. The same is true in the reverse.

When you find yourself dealing with someone of poor character and a lack of integrity, separate yourself quickly.

If you find yourself surrounded by people with bad character and no integrity, take a look in the mirror. You may either be a “mark” (preyed on by that type) or a compatriot (defined as: a friend or colleague: someone who belongs to the same group or organization as someone else).

In the case above, I smelled their lack of integrity and moved on…quickly.

Constantly Thinking...

Pretty for a Chocolate Girl: The Qualified Compliment

“I usually don’t like brown girls, but you’re really pretty for a chocolate girl.”

How do you respond to that statement? Is it a compliment or an insult?

Years ago, when that statement was made to me, my light-skinned best friend (also beautiful) and I debated it.

I didn’t appreciate the qualification, “pretty for a chocolate girl.” That’s like telling a bug, “You’re pretty for a house fly, a cockroach, or a spider.”

It was my BFF’s opinion, however, that it was an even greater compliment. “Normally, I don’t even notice girls who look like you, but you’re so pretty, you even got my attention.”

I decided to go with her take on the situation, because…why not? He obviously meant it as a compliment, silly as it was.

I was baking Tollhouse cookies at the time. I pulled a batch out of the oven and said they were "a pretty batch of chocolate" chocolate chip cookies. We both started laughing at the silliness of it all.

One thing my qualified complimenter did was made me much more conscious of my words. No qualified compliments here.

When I find a man attractive who is not typically “my type” (which, admittedly, is fairly broad), I just describe him as attractive. Not “attractive for a short man, a tall man, a thin man, a big man, a light man, a dark man, a bald man, a curly-haired man, a man with glasses, or a man with freckles. Just attractive!”

What my men have in common has very little to do with their physicality anyway. It’s about their strength of character and masculinity, which comes in all shapes and sizes. If those things are missing, I don’t care how pretty their face is or how ripped their physique is, they’re still not attractive to me.

So, what about you? Do you qualify your compliments? 

And...How do you feel about pretty chocolate girls? ;-)

Constantly Thinking...

The Professional Crush

Have you ever had a "professional crush"?

Not the romantic kind. And certainly not the kind you would ever act on.

A professional crush occurs when you work for (or with) a super smart, high-integrity, fearless but fair, exceptional leader. The one who always makes the play that's best for the team or the company - not just best for themselves (or their favorite employees). The one who sees right through and isn't at all moved by brown-nosers. The one who isn't intimidated by others who are as smart or smarter than them. The one who rarely makes mistakes, but when they do, they take accountability for them.

Many times these people are intimidating to others because of their integrity and strength of character.

Because it's not romantic in nature, a professional crush isn't limited to bosses (or co-workers) of the opposite sex.

These are role models of the highest order. The professional crush may seem to border on idolizing someone or putting them on a pedestal, but because it's based on true, proven character it's actually just great admiration.

I have had the good fortune to experience many professional crushes (and been the recipient of a few, as well).

Here's to you, exceptional bosses and co-workers! You know who you are.

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!

I tend to see the best in people, which can be a blessing and a curse. I see people for the good person they could be, not necessarily the person they are. The blessed part of that is easy to understand. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe in them when no one else does. I forgive or overlook lies and transgressions easily and regularly. I play to a person’s strengths, not their weaknesses.

And therein lies the rub. Overlooking a person’s character is not wisdom or even just kindness, it’s naïve. I’ve ignored red flags and stepped on landmines. My last two relationships have been built on lies. Lies I overlooked. Lies I chose not to believe because I wanted to only focus on the great part of their character.

I’ve ignored red flags and established close relationships with friends and family members who are pathological liars. I’ve trusted them with my heart, my home, my finances, my child.

I’ve ignored red flags and gone into business with people of questionable character. I’ve worked for companies where, 37 red flags later, I had to become a whistle blower due to illegal business practices.

Ironically, however, these same people have not given me (or anyone else) the benefit of the doubt. They assume the worst of people. They look for deception, disappointment and deviousness in every situation and every person they encounter. Many of them speak negatively of everyone they know – trashing one friend to another. No one is exempt from their negative words. Their lives are built on negativity and lies so they assume everyone else’s is, too. People who always expect the worst from people reveal a lot about themselves.

It’s a sad, sad cycle.

Well, I’ve decided I’m going to stop drawing these types of people to me by being so accommodating. Liars are attracted to those who are naïve, those who will believe – or at least put up with – their lies. I won’t be that person any longer Thieves are attracted to those they know they can easily take from. I won’t be that person any longer. Manipulators are attracted to those they can easily manipulate. I’m not her anymore. Negative people are attracted to those who will support or validate their negativity. I’m not interested in that.

I have wonderful examples of truthful, positive, transparent friends and family members, people of noble character in my life. They’re not perfect. They make bad choices at times, just like the rest of us. The difference is, they own up to it. They’re accountable. They don’t feel like they have something to lose by being truthful. They feel like they have something to lose by NOT being honest. They’re not so insecure about who they are that they have to lie about their character to feel accepted or respected. They give it to you straight and let you decide if you want to have a relationship with the true them – not their representative or façade.

So here’s my word of advice – to you as well as myself:

To avoid heart ache, naivete, unnecessary worry and insecurity, try the following.

Take the time to truly get to know people (friends, family and especially love interests). Listen to them. Observe their behavior (which will speak louder than their words). People will always show you who they are (whether they intend to or not). Once you know who they are, don't be disappointed or surprised when they follow their own pattern of behavior. Don't assume or expect the worst of them if their good character has always (or usually) shown you that you should give them the benefit of the doubt. Conversely, don't blind yourself to a person of poor character by assuming that they won't act that way with you or you will be the one who changes who they are.

If we only choose to pay attention and truly "see" people, we will hold the wonderful ones more closely, and guard our hearts from those who intend us harm.