Fight or Flight: Overcoming Vulnerability

I recently had a conversation with someone I've grown to love and trust. During our conversation, I revealed some personal things about my past. Nothing ground-breaking or intimate, just things that mean something to me. While talking, I felt like I was being transported back to that time and space (a la "Somewhere in Time").

Once we parted and I came back to myself, I realized how vulnerable I felt having shared something so important to me...and panicked a little. Okay, maybe a lot.

I sent a note addressing not my vulnerability, but the way I relived the experience by sharing the story. I was hoping I would get a response that would put me at ease for having bared a portion of my soul.

And then...crickets.

Nothing. No response. All day long.

Now I'll speak in hindsight...

What happened next was it suddenly and drastically ignited one of my triggers. I went into fight or flight mode, and fighting was not an option. I was prepared to end that relationship right then and there. Every tortuous moment that went by convinced me I'd misread the situation, the person's character, and my ability to feel safe with them.

And then, finally a response. A response that made me feel safe again. A response that made me stop dead in my tracks and evaluate the extreme visceral reaction I'd been experiencing.

I was prepared to sever a relationship I've come to value more than any other of its kind, because I was feeling exposed, vulnerable, unsafe.

I thought back to other relationships I'd had when I'd experienced the exact same reaction. My knee-jerk reaction to sharing a piece of my heart and not receiving a "safe" reaction was to flee, end the relationship. Many of the men I've been involved with have the exact same reaction: Unexpected Vulnerability = End of Relationship.

I'm so glad I experienced this in a somewhat controlled environment and that the response was kind and swift (enough) to make me look at myself.

It became a necessary eye-opening revelation. I needed to recognize this trigger so that I can be prepared for my husband.

Constantly Thinking...

Keeping the Lion Safe

This post will be much shorter than the one for the women, because men keep it simple and uncomplicated. (One of the many things I love about them!)

What makes your lions feel safe?

Well, based on what men have shared with me directly, and based on observation, what makes them feel safe are two primary things:

1. Being respected
2. Physical affection

Period. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Constantly Thinking…

Blogger’s Note to the Lionesses

This additional explanation is for the women. Men don’t need it.

Respect includes:

1. Not being emasculated – through word, deed, tone, or facial expression (i.e. eye rolling, speaking to them like they’re children)
2. Being trusted and listened to, which can be synonymous with submission. Before your feathers get ruffled, let me make a statement about the scary submission word:
1. Imagine a sports team, with a team captain. Everyone on the team is valuable, but there is a leader. The man feels safest when he is in the team captain role. It actually feels good with them there, too. If you don’t want to be on a team with a captain, or if you insist on being the team captain, perhaps you don’t really want to be in a relationship (with a strong man).

Physical affection – Giving a man physical affection affirms or reaffirms many things that we need separately as women.

1. It tells them they’re attractive, physically desirable and sexy
2. It gives them peace of mind (sex is a stress reliever)
3. It provides emotionally stability – it confirms that we still care about them, and that we’re not (still) mad
4. It allows them to both be strong and vulnerable at the same time 

I love men. The good ones (and there are many) make life so much more enjoyable. The great ones are priceless, lovable, respect-worthy, and delightful. They own my heart!

Safe

Feeling safe in a relationship is priceless.

We’re so used to feeling vulnerable when we care about someone that we don’t realize we can actually feel safe and vulnerable at the same time.

The feeling of falling…in love... makes you feel uncomfortable…but not necessarily unsafe, I’ve learned.

Feeling safe doesn’t just mean feeling physically safe, although that’s incredibly important, too. You want a man who can protect you if need be.

Feeling safe means you feel emotionally safe. You don’t always have to be “on.” You can be quiet, introspective and relaxed, or bouncy, or weepy, or grumpy without worrying that your relationship will be in jeopardy.

Feeling safe means you can feel safe to be uninhibited, safe to be vulnerable, safe to be silly, safe to be serious, safe to be who you are.

Safe means you know they’ll have your back – protect and defend your character and good name – whether you’re in their presence or not.

Safe means you can relinquish your position of power and submit to their will and their decisions, because you know they won’t do anything to harm you.

Feeling safe means you can share your highlights and challenges, your weaknesses and fears, without fear of embarrassment or shame.

Interestingly enough, I used to equate trust and safety. You would think they would be synonymous, or at least go hand in hand. Not necessarily so. Think Oskar Schindler with his wife. She couldn’t trust him to be faithful, but she felt safe with him.

Of course, in relationships we desire, and need, both. Having one, however, doesn’t mean you have the other; and the same is true in the reverse. Not having trust, doesn’t mean you don’t feel safe; and not feeling safe doesn’t mean you can’t trust your mate. I have known men who I have trusted implicitly, but did not feel safe with.

It took years before I felt safe in a relationship. I had no idea it was even possible until I experienced it.

Feeling safe is definitely worth waiting for. Now that I’ve experienced it, I don’t settle for anything less, not in any relationship. Friendships where you’re not safe are not friendships at all. They’re associates. I recently quarreled with a significant other who, unintentionally, made it clear that our relationship was not safe. I let him know I was not willing to accept that. Been there, done that. Won’t go backwards.

Feeling safe is no longer optional. It’s a requirement. It will be reciprocated. That’s just the way I love. I have a special person in my life that makes me feel safe right now. Our relationship is priceless. I have a few close friends where the safety is mutual. Priceless.

Today, I pay homage to the first man who made me feel safe. He changed my life. He set a standard and an expectation that must be met by all others.

Constantly Thinking…about feeling safe

My First and My Last

 

Thinking about my firsts…

• The first man who kissed me and made me see stars.
• The first man who took me on the most romantic and most memorable first date.
• The first man who captured my heart and caused me to fall head over heels in love.
• The first man I shared myself with intimately.
• The first man who made me see stars intimately.
• The first man I married.
• The first man who made me feel safe.

My firsts will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’m looking forward to the one man who will be my last and my final.

I can feel him approaching...and my heart is already overflowing with love and anticipation.

Constantly Thinking...about my last love.

Love Never Felt So Good

I have finally learned how it feels to be cherished.

All my life, I have happily loved and given my heart without reserve – to friends, family and the great loves of my life. Until recently, however, I had never experienced that kind of love in return – certainly not in a romantic relationship.

I say I “happily” loved that way, and in many ways I did. But I found there’s something very empty about a one-sided love. Unconditional love, the cherish kind of love can be given whether it’s returned or not. God teaches us that. As humans, however, we have physical reactions when our love is unrequited, when we feel rejected or abandoned.

That time, for me, has ended. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing a mutual “cherish” type of love.

The Cherish kind of love is a love where…

• You don’t have to guess how the other person feels. They show you constantly.
• You know and remember each other’s likes and dislikes.
• You feel safe with them – whether in person or from afar.
• They never make you prove your worth. They know your worth, and you know theirs.
• What’s important to you is important to them, and vice versa.
• You do little things just to please the other or make them smile.
• They comfort you and strengthen you when you’re weak.
• They lovingly encourage you and push you to be your best.
• They are always truthful. There are no secrets between you.
• Nothing and no one is allowed to come in between your relationship.
• You both know unequivocally that you have each other’s backs.
• You can laugh together - at yourselves and each other, without offense.
• You don’t tear each other down to build yourselves up – not even in humor.
• They respect you and never ask you to compromise your standards.
• You can grow together.
• It's safe to share your innermost thoughts and dreams.
• They protect you.
• Even when you’re having challenges, you feel safe. You know you’re both so committed to the relationship that challenges won’t tear you apart. Challenges won’t cause one of you to stray or speak ill of the other to outsiders.
• They never ignore you.
• You trust each other.

I have finally found the cherish kind of love…or rather, it’s found me. I’d known him for a while and always cared for him, but I didn’t realize just how much he loved me. He was patient and waited for me. He watched me get my heart broken multiple times, knowing if I’d chosen him instead, things would have been different.

Finally, he declared himself and his love for me. He’d tried before, but I hadn’t realized his full intent. This time, I heard him.

This time, this relationship, I’m starting off slowly. I am learning to trust him with my heart as he entrusts his heart to me, and it feels wonderful.

This kind of love…this cherish kind of love...is what I’ve been waiting for.

Love never felt so good.

I love you, my love.