The Eeyore Syndrome

So many people today are suffering from a victim mentality, and they’re absolutely miserable. Life seems to happen TO them not because of them. I believe many people with a victim mentality are also pessimists. It would be one thing to be a person who believed life happened to you, and fantastic luck and great opportunities always fell into your lap. But most victim mentality people expect and, consequently, find themselves in all sorts of unfortunate events and circumstances. Like Eeyore.

Let me stop a moment and say, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do have heightened observation skills based on my work.

From observation (and from study), I know that people with a victim mentality are usually the way they are because they were not properly validated or affirmed as children. Many times they were abandoned, abused or neglected by their parents or caregivers. Many times they were actually victimized as children.

My heart goes out to them. I understand how they feel because I could have been one of them. For a brief time, I was one of them. I was victimized. I, however, was fortunate enough to have an amazingly wise mentor who taught me that everything I was and everything I was to become was a choice. She repeated it until I got it. It’s a choice. It’s not the circumstances. It’s my choice on how I respond to those circumstances. It took years of her telling me again and again until I believed it (fortunately, they were childhood years).

So, yes, my empathy for those who are stuck in the victim mentality is real. But to them I say the same thing I was told: “It’s a choice.”

I have noticed several common traits in people who have a victim mentality.

Nothing is ever their fault.

Something or someone always causes them to be in the situation they’re in.

They can’t apologize.

Why would you apologize if you never feel you’re to blame? When a rare apology is offered, it’s either way lame (“I’m sorry for the way you feel”) or way overboard (“I must truly be a horrible person…”).

They can’t accept compliments.

You would think that since they lacked validation, they’d love getting compliments – and a part of them does. The issue is that they don’t actually believe them. Remember, they never received validation (or enough of it) so it’s foreign to them. When they receive it, it’s unfamiliar so they reject it.

They truly believe they can’t help it.

“I couldn’t help it” is a frequent phrase uttered by those with a victim mentality. They can’t help their temper. They can’t help saying the first thing that pops into their head. They can’t help that they’re so sensitive (to themselves) or insensitive (to others). They can’t help pushing people away.

They frequently ask others for advice, but for the wrong reasons.

They ask for advice not necessarily because they intend to take it, but because they want validation from someone else for the decisions they’ve already made. That way if things don’t work out, they can say someone else suggested it, or at least agreed with them.

They have frequent mood swings (in other words, they’re moody).

They’re up, they’re down, they’re happy, they’re sad – all within in a 30-minute period. When something seems to go their way, they’re thrilled. When something goes awry, it’s personal.

They often feel alone in their world.
People with a victim mentality believe that no one ever helps them, and they'll tell you this each and every time you help them. Many of them believe they have no friends, and they'll say to their actual friends, unknowingly hurting their feelings in the process. They believe that no one wants to be around them, and will feel alone even in group gatherings that they've been lovingly and eagerly asked to attend. Remember, it's a mentality, not a reality.

They remember events by negative triggers, shortcomings and offenses.
"That was the event where no one spoke to me for the first 10 minutes." "That was the day that man at the grocery store looked at me strangely." "That was the event where I looked really stupid in my orange hat, but no one told me."

They’re easily offended.

Words or actions that don’t offend others, offend them. They frequently perceive that people are giving them strange looks, or overlooking them. They’re constantly assessing situations for a possible offense, and frequently feel picked on and judged. Because they’ve been victimized in the past (without healing), they’re always expecting to be victimized again.

They believe life is against them.

They believe that circumstances are designed to make life harder for them. They don’t make the connection that where they are in life is a result of their own choices. They don’t even consciously realize they’re constantly making choices.

Dealing with people who have a victim mentality can be like trying to walk on eggshells without breaking them. It’s frequently a no win situation. If you give them too much attention or information, they think you’re being patronizing or condescending or putting them under a microscope. If you give them too little, they think you’re ignoring or withholding something from them.

I’ve found that the best way for me to deal with people who have a victim mentality is first to be patient with them.  I’ve walked in their shoes, so this is not difficult for me.

Be honest with them, but not cruel. Don’t sugarcoat or forgo things that need to be said, just choose your wording wisely.

If they truly have good qualities (and they likely have many – otherwise, why bother?), enjoy those and let them know that you do.

Don’t abandon them when they push you away (and they will).

Don’t absorb their issues, including not being moved by their moodiness. It’s not personal.

Don’t try to fix them. Too much advice giving and you become their scapegoat.

Don’t join them on their victim bandwagon. When they start lamenting that the world (their boss, their friends, their parents, their kids, their spouse) is against them, don’t agree.

Keep a good sense of humor handy. Laughter and a positive perspective frequently help lift their mood.

If you’re an optimist, as I am, allow your life to be an example to them. The way you handle challenges and disappointments will be noticed.

Finally, pray for them – that their eyes would be opened to who they really are. As long as they’re still breathing, there’s still hope.