Love PTSD

I recently received an email from someone with the same name as my ex. Immediately my heart rate increased with terror, a feeling of dread hit my stomach, my breath caught in my throat. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! LEAVE ME ALONE!" my mind screamed.

Then I realized it wasn't him. It was just a business colleague with the same name. My body and mind slowly returned to normal.

And then I got angry. Why the hell does even seeing his name still affect me like that? It's over! It has been for years! He wasn't it! What is wrong with me?!

I called my closest confidante and asked her to help me understand me.

She said, "It's because you're human. Wrong or not, you loved that man with every fiber of your being. It affects you because if it didn't you'd either be less than human or superhuman."

Love - its joy and its pain - reminds you faster and more regularly than anything that you're human.

Constantly Thinking...


Dang. I thought I WAS superhuman. Now what am I going to do with my capes?!

Fight or Flight: Overcoming Vulnerability

I recently had a conversation with someone I've grown to love and trust. During our conversation, I revealed some personal things about my past. Nothing ground-breaking or intimate, just things that mean something to me. While talking, I felt like I was being transported back to that time and space (a la "Somewhere in Time").

Once we parted and I came back to myself, I realized how vulnerable I felt having shared something so important to me...and panicked a little. Okay, maybe a lot.

I sent a note addressing not my vulnerability, but the way I relived the experience by sharing the story. I was hoping I would get a response that would put me at ease for having bared a portion of my soul.

And then...crickets.

Nothing. No response. All day long.

Now I'll speak in hindsight...

What happened next was it suddenly and drastically ignited one of my triggers. I went into fight or flight mode, and fighting was not an option. I was prepared to end that relationship right then and there. Every tortuous moment that went by convinced me I'd misread the situation, the person's character, and my ability to feel safe with them.

And then, finally a response. A response that made me feel safe again. A response that made me stop dead in my tracks and evaluate the extreme visceral reaction I'd been experiencing.

I was prepared to sever a relationship I've come to value more than any other of its kind, because I was feeling exposed, vulnerable, unsafe.

I thought back to other relationships I'd had when I'd experienced the exact same reaction. My knee-jerk reaction to sharing a piece of my heart and not receiving a "safe" reaction was to flee, end the relationship. Many of the men I've been involved with have the exact same reaction: Unexpected Vulnerability = End of Relationship.

I'm so glad I experienced this in a somewhat controlled environment and that the response was kind and swift (enough) to make me look at myself.

It became a necessary eye-opening revelation. I needed to recognize this trigger so that I can be prepared for my husband.

Constantly Thinking...

How I Stopped Attracting Heathens

About a year ago, I decided and declared that I would no longer attract the dangerous, damaging, destructive type of people - HEATHENS - I'd been attracting.

Instead, I made the conscious decision that I would attract and surround myself with wonderful people of integrity, faithful, loyal, great character, good hearts, kind, smart, funny, strong, humble people.

And I did!

I am now surrounded by great, good people. I work with and for people who are models of integrity and great character, absolutely amazing men and women! My closest friends - new and lifelong - are goodness and light.

Don't get me wrong, there are still HEATHENS out there...and I encounter them regularly. The difference is that now they don't stick. They don't stay. They can't slide into the holes of brokenness that were open for them before.

I know some of you are thinking, "Wait. Birds of a feather..." That's only partially correct. Opposites also attract. Victims attract bullies or abusers. Naive people attract scam artists. "The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool." (S. King.)

I unintentionally attracted people who were preying on my naivete, brokenness and weakness. Here are the steps I took to break the cycle.

First, I had to become more self-aware. I had to recognize and admit to myself that, as smart as I am, I can also be very trusting and naive. Smart people don't want to admit that about themselves. If you don't, however, you can get stuck.

Second, I made a declaration: "I am NOT going to attract these types of people anymore." Seems basic, but it's not. Verbalizing a decision is powerful and priceless. Words have power. When we hear ourselves say it, we begin to rewire our brain.

Third, I tuned my radar and discernment toward the good people. We can't stay focused on what we don't want. We have to tune our focus and attention on what we do want. When you start shopping for a new house, you begin to see more houses for sale. When you decide it's time to upgrade your car, you start looking at new car models. That's when you know you mean business. When I decided to change my circle, I started paying attention to the type of people I wanted to attract.

Fourth, and possibly most importantly, I walked it out and walked away.

When predators, liars, cheaters, pessimists, thieves, schemers and other cruel people - HEATHENS - started to come my way, I turned them away or turned my back. I stopped trying to search for the good in them. Their goodness has to be more apparent than that. If I have to dig through the crap to find it, that's a warning sign. That may sound harsh. It's not. I don't shun the broken...we're all broken. I repel the destructive people. I may still have to deal with them for business, or because they're a family member, but they won't be part of my inner circle. They won't have access to my heart, mind or spirit.

There was a time when I was so surrounded by HEATHENS that I thought the world was overrun by them. It's not. My perspective was skewed because a handful of them surrounded the cage I was trapped in.

My life is so much better, lighter, happier, calmer, Godlier because I stopped attracting HEATHENS!

You should try it.

Constantly Thinking...