Everyday Heroes Trump Everyday Haters!

Three years ago I started acknowledging "Hero of the Day" on Facebook. Unbelievably, I received backlash from people who weren't selected on a particular day or weren't selected quickly enough (in their opinion). I know. Unbelievable.

After several wonderful and heartfelt posts, I stopped because I just didn't feel like dealing with the haters.

About a year later, I made a declaration (mostly to myself and God, but I shared with a few close friends) that I was separating myself from all the toxic people in my life.

So, here we are three years later, and the declaration has become a reality. All the haters have unfriended me on Facebook. :-D

My circle - especially my close inner circle - is a wonderful group of confident, upwardly mobile, loving, generous, humble friends and coworkers who don't operate in the world of pettiness and jealousy.

To be honest, it took a change in me to re-align myself with the right people. I was broken, and broken people attract brokenness. As I started healing, growing stronger and confident (again), I attracted people who were on that same path, or who had walked that path already and arrived at a place of secure in themselves.

During my journey, I realized it's not just that "like attracts like." It's also that opposites attract. Victims attract bullies. Naive people attract shysters. Vulnerable people attract those who like to dominate. Different shades or ends of the brokenness scale, are drawn to each other. (ugh!)

I'd been so caught up in people pleasing and only seeing the best in people that I didn't realize I'd attracted a mob of shady characters who expected to be pleased at all costs. Not all of my friends were that way, of course. Just the super loud, ultra sensitive, easily offendable ones.

There are a few "confidence-challenged" friends whom I still consider close. They're strong enough, however, to keep their insecurity in check. They realize it would be detrimental to our relationship to throw shade when I compliment someone else.

With that said, I will resume what was a really wonderful, thoughtful, and appreciated tribute. I will acknowledge my Heroes of the Day, as often as possible!

Constantly Thinking (and appreciating people)... 

Toilet Paper & Money: A Poverty Mindset Illustration

One of my favorite people in the world asked me how I define "poverty mindset." Great question. My definition is really "an unhealthy preoccupation with money based on fear." It manifests in several different ways.

To illustrate, I'll use something that most of us do not have an unhealthy preoccupation with - Toilet Paper. (Some do, however. Especially those who are or have been homeless. Toilet Paper is a luxury for them. In no way is this example meant to diminish the real need that some have. It's just an illustration.)

So, imagine having a preoccupation with toilet paper, based on fear:

There are some who horde every roll of toilet paper they can get. They use only one or two sheets at a time, for fear they may run low or run out. They may or may not be able to afford more, but their mindset is that they can't. (In the money world, these are misers, Scrooge-types.)

Then there are those who suddenly or finally have the means to buy up as much toilet paper as they want, and they buy it like crazy. They have it in every room. They brag about it to their friends, show it off whenever possible. They buy different kinds, textures and colors. They give toilet paper gifts to people whenever they can - just to show how they've made it. (In the money world - they call these people the "nuevo rich" or "new money." Trying to impress folks with all the things their "new money" can buy.)

Then there are those who no longer have to scrimp and save for toilet paper. They now have it, but in the back of their minds they're always thinking that something could happen that would take them back to not having it. So they monitor it closely, watching it like it may dissolve, disappear or get flushed away at any moment. They can give or share a roll or two, but they choose not to, just in case they don't have enough in the future when they may need it. (In the money world, they consider themselves being "practical" but it comes through as the father in "Everybody Hates Chris" - "that's 10 cents worth of paper towel!")

Then, there are those who every time they get some toilet paper, they use it up super fast because they don't know when they might get some more. They can barely keep any in the house. ("Money burning a hole in your pocket" mentality.)

Finally, there are those who chase after the almighty toilet paper. Someone tells them that this toilet paper deal or that toilet paper model will grant them more toilet paper than they can imagine. All you have to do is bring 3-4 rolls of your own toilet paper, give it to the person or company that promises to give you more, and then you'll get a supply of toilet paper beyond your wildest imagination. You could end up with 500 rolls of toilet paper! They jump at it! They run all over chasing after the promise of more toilet paper, which usually just gives them a few sheets at a time, but keeps promising them more. (In the money world - these folks are the ones who equate success with money. They chase after the bright and shiny business deals because of the promise of more money - not purpose or professional development. These people often describe things in terms of money. How much that person is worth, how much they made on their last deal, how much their shoes cost. They'll drop dollars into the conversation in random, inappropriate places.)

What's interesting is that the lack of money is not necessarily what creates the poverty mentality. It's the fear and the preoccupation with it that creates it. I know people who barely have two nickels to rub together, but when they get one, they look for someone to share it with. If they get three, they save one, spend one and share one. They have a healthy mentality, knowing there will be more.

I made an early statement not to depend on people with a poverty mentality because it's contagious. It is. Imagine being around someone who is preoccupied with...Peppermint or Mercedes or the Lakers (or toilet paper)...and constantly talks about it, thinks about it, points it out to everyone. First of all, if you're around that person enough, you'll start to notice what they notice. Second, imagine if you ask them if you can borrow their Mercedes, or have some of their peppermints, or use their season tickets to the Lakers. Imagine "depending" on them for those things. It would almost be painful.

Now imagine having a healthy attitude toward money. Compare it to your healthy attitude toward toilet paper (if you have a healthy attitude about that). You use it when you need it. It's there for your family and friends and guests when they need some. When you run low, you get more. If you run out, it's a hassle, but you don't panic. You get resourceful, then get more. You usually have enough in reserve that you don't have to worry about it being there when you need it. You don't have to show it off to your friends. You don't try to impress people with it by talking about how much you have. You don't constantly lament about how little you have. You don't have to count the number of sheets that are left on the roll.

But you'd be wise about how you used it. You wouldn't use so much that it clogged the toilet. If you and your family were running through it too fast, you'd realize someone had a problem. If someone came in your house and took all you had, you'd sever your relationship with them. I mean, who does that?! If you and your family weren't using any at all (or very little), you'd recognize that as a problem, as well. (Nasty!)

It is possible to develop a healthy relationship with money (and toilet paper). The first step is recognizing that you may have a problem. Second, remember, money is the "means to an end" - not the end itself. What is it that you really want? What are you really working towards? Remember that fear and desperation is as much of a magnet as faith and confidence. If you fear poverty or being without what you need - and you constantly obsess over it - you will draw it to you. Thoughts have incredible power. Focus your thoughts on positive things.

Start applying the confidence you have when you enter a well-stocked bathroom - you know you'll have what you need when you need it. You don't enter the bathroom in fear that there may not be enough toilet paper. And if you do find yourself "stranded" every now and then, you borrow a few sheets until you can replace the roll (or you get real creative and resourceful and use something else...).

Constantly Thinking...

How the Grinch Stole Authority

I was a twenty-something Black woman working in an executive position in the South. I had a younger, twenty-something, White, cheerleader-type woman working as my assistant. She was eager to be in an executive role. So eager, in fact, that she frequently over-stepped her bounds and would make (or attempt to make) executive decisions and on-the-record, but unauthorized, comments to high-profile media - always to "take the load off" me, or so she claimed.

I'm all about training, so I would frequently take her with me when meeting media or business associates so that she would have the opportunity to watch and learn. When they'd see us come in together, they'd immediately walk up to her, smile broadly and say, "You must be Connie St. John." She would just smile coyly and bat her eyelashes, remaining silent. Never would it occur to her to honor me as her boss and politely introduce me.

I would have to smile and say, "No, I'M Connie St. John," and extend my hand in greeting.

They'd blink several times and then respond with, "Oh, then this must be your boss?" extending their hand to her instead. Again, she'd smile and soak it all in, shaking their hand confidently, as though she really was my boss.

"Uh, no," I'd reply. "This is my assistant."

They'd look at me like I was joking, and then proceed to direct all business conversation to her instead of me. She'd go right along with them, attempting to field questions as though she was actually the executive she so desperately wanted to be.

At times, I would pointedly redirect the associate's attention with, "You know, when I HIRED 'Sally' (not her real name) as my ASSISTANT..." Or interrupt my assistant with, "'Sally,' you make an interesting point, but it's incorrect, because you're not yet experienced enough to know how it should be handled. That's why, as my ASSISTANT, you're here to observe."

Oftentimes, however, I would just observe the exchange in fascination, watching as she, incorrectly and without authority, would attempt to play the role of director.

Later, privately, I would check her on it, letting her know it was disrespectful to me as her boss, and remind her that she was not authorized nor experienced enough YET to operate in that capacity. Of course, she would be overly contrite, "I don't know what came over me. I completely got ahead of myself. I'm so sorry. You know I'd never disrespect you. I think you're the best boss, and I love working for you." Blah blah blah...

It was absolutely infuriating!

However, I could tell it wasn't just about her. I knew I needed to work on me, not just my executive skills but my executive attitude. I knew that wrestling her (or anyone) for authority or belittling her publicly wasn't the way to exude authority, nor was it in my personality.

The rage I felt when it happened, however, let me know I needed to figure it out, and quickly.

So, I prayed. Then, suddenly, two things happened.

The first was a vision. I was reading the scripture about Jesus washing the disciples' feet. I'd read it many times, but this time I saw something different. I envisioned Jesus washing Peter's feet, and as He did so, someone walked in - not knowing which man was Jesus and which was Peter.

If they were just to observe the situation - the position, the servitude - they could understandably (but incorrectly) make the assumption that Peter (whose feet were being washed) was Jesus.

If they did, I knew that Jesus wouldn't jump up and say, "I'm Jesus! I'm the Boss! I'm the Messiah! I fed the 5,000. You know, when I CALLED Peter..."

Even if Peter was so bold and rude and disrespectful as to let the ignorant man believe He was Jesus, Jesus still wouldn't attempt to wrestle His authority back from Peter.

True Authority doesn't need to be wrestled.

As I was letting this sink in, I witnessed true Authority in action.

One morning, I was walking into the company I worked for, along with the president of our division, a woman I greatly respected (and still do). We were both arriving very early so the receptionist wasn't in yet. As we walked past the receptionist's desk, chatting to each other, the phone rang. Without even hesitating, the president leaned over and answered it, "Good morning, ABC Company." (Not the real company name) She listened a moment and said, "Sure, let me transfer you."

I was slack-jawed.

This was THE PRESIDENT! She just answered the receptionist's phone. That wasn't the big deal. It was that she didn't identify herself as the president when she did so. That meant that the person on the other end of the line would have assumed they were talking to... the receptionist !! not the President, with all her authority. And that didn't faze her, as president, one bit.

I felt like The Grinch, standing there trying to make sense of it all:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

And then Connie, with her director title, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? She answered without her title. She answered without her name. She answered without pomp or circumstance or shame. And Connie puzzled and puzzled 'till her puzzler was sore. Then Connie thought of something she hadn't before. What if Authority, she thought, isn't gained by a war. What if Authority, perhaps, means a little bit more.

I realized that day that our President, answering the receptionist's phone, was confident in her authority. Her title didn't change when she answered that phone. Her paycheck wasn't reduced because she transferred a call. Her executive responsibilities and position remained the same.

And, in that moment, I had peace. In that moment, I truly understood and embraced authority. Authority, like true leadership, is not something to be wrestled, boasted about or proven. You either have it, or you don't.

Since that day, I have never concerned myself with trying to claim credit on a project. I don't try to over-talk attention hogs at meetings. I don't push for introductions, nor introduce myself by my title or accomplishments.

I know who I am, what I've done, what my responsibilities are, and what authority I have (or don't have).

Through this blog, that President, my friend and role model, is finding out for the first time how she changed my professional life for the better. Thank you, SG. You continue to be an inspiration and a role model.

Constantly Thinking....