The Eeyore Syndrome

So many people today are suffering from a victim mentality, and they’re absolutely miserable. Life seems to happen TO them not because of them. I believe many people with a victim mentality are also pessimists. It would be one thing to be a person who believed life happened to you, and fantastic luck and great opportunities always fell into your lap. But most victim mentality people expect and, consequently, find themselves in all sorts of unfortunate events and circumstances. Like Eeyore.

Let me stop a moment and say, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do have heightened observation skills based on my work.

From observation (and from study), I know that people with a victim mentality are usually the way they are because they were not properly validated or affirmed as children. Many times they were abandoned, abused or neglected by their parents or caregivers. Many times they were actually victimized as children.

My heart goes out to them. I understand how they feel because I could have been one of them. For a brief time, I was one of them. I was victimized. I, however, was fortunate enough to have an amazingly wise mentor who taught me that everything I was and everything I was to become was a choice. She repeated it until I got it. It’s a choice. It’s not the circumstances. It’s my choice on how I respond to those circumstances. It took years of her telling me again and again until I believed it (fortunately, they were childhood years).

So, yes, my empathy for those who are stuck in the victim mentality is real. But to them I say the same thing I was told: “It’s a choice.”

I have noticed several common traits in people who have a victim mentality.

Nothing is ever their fault.

Something or someone always causes them to be in the situation they’re in.

They can’t apologize.

Why would you apologize if you never feel you’re to blame? When a rare apology is offered, it’s either way lame (“I’m sorry for the way you feel”) or way overboard (“I must truly be a horrible person…”).

They can’t accept compliments.

You would think that since they lacked validation, they’d love getting compliments – and a part of them does. The issue is that they don’t actually believe them. Remember, they never received validation (or enough of it) so it’s foreign to them. When they receive it, it’s unfamiliar so they reject it.

They truly believe they can’t help it.

“I couldn’t help it” is a frequent phrase uttered by those with a victim mentality. They can’t help their temper. They can’t help saying the first thing that pops into their head. They can’t help that they’re so sensitive (to themselves) or insensitive (to others). They can’t help pushing people away.

They frequently ask others for advice, but for the wrong reasons.

They ask for advice not necessarily because they intend to take it, but because they want validation from someone else for the decisions they’ve already made. That way if things don’t work out, they can say someone else suggested it, or at least agreed with them.

They have frequent mood swings (in other words, they’re moody).

They’re up, they’re down, they’re happy, they’re sad – all within in a 30-minute period. When something seems to go their way, they’re thrilled. When something goes awry, it’s personal.

They often feel alone in their world.
People with a victim mentality believe that no one ever helps them, and they'll tell you this each and every time you help them. Many of them believe they have no friends, and they'll say to their actual friends, unknowingly hurting their feelings in the process. They believe that no one wants to be around them, and will feel alone even in group gatherings that they've been lovingly and eagerly asked to attend. Remember, it's a mentality, not a reality.

They remember events by negative triggers, shortcomings and offenses.
"That was the event where no one spoke to me for the first 10 minutes." "That was the day that man at the grocery store looked at me strangely." "That was the event where I looked really stupid in my orange hat, but no one told me."

They’re easily offended.

Words or actions that don’t offend others, offend them. They frequently perceive that people are giving them strange looks, or overlooking them. They’re constantly assessing situations for a possible offense, and frequently feel picked on and judged. Because they’ve been victimized in the past (without healing), they’re always expecting to be victimized again.

They believe life is against them.

They believe that circumstances are designed to make life harder for them. They don’t make the connection that where they are in life is a result of their own choices. They don’t even consciously realize they’re constantly making choices.

Dealing with people who have a victim mentality can be like trying to walk on eggshells without breaking them. It’s frequently a no win situation. If you give them too much attention or information, they think you’re being patronizing or condescending or putting them under a microscope. If you give them too little, they think you’re ignoring or withholding something from them.

I’ve found that the best way for me to deal with people who have a victim mentality is first to be patient with them.  I’ve walked in their shoes, so this is not difficult for me.

Be honest with them, but not cruel. Don’t sugarcoat or forgo things that need to be said, just choose your wording wisely.

If they truly have good qualities (and they likely have many – otherwise, why bother?), enjoy those and let them know that you do.

Don’t abandon them when they push you away (and they will).

Don’t absorb their issues, including not being moved by their moodiness. It’s not personal.

Don’t try to fix them. Too much advice giving and you become their scapegoat.

Don’t join them on their victim bandwagon. When they start lamenting that the world (their boss, their friends, their parents, their kids, their spouse) is against them, don’t agree.

Keep a good sense of humor handy. Laughter and a positive perspective frequently help lift their mood.

If you’re an optimist, as I am, allow your life to be an example to them. The way you handle challenges and disappointments will be noticed.

Finally, pray for them – that their eyes would be opened to who they really are. As long as they’re still breathing, there’s still hope.

Marital Mess Landmines

Stay out of people’s marital mess.

You don’t know what issues a couple is truly facing. It may not be a communication issue or a “putting the toilet seat down” situation. It may be that one or both of them are living double lives. It may be that one of them is engaging in serious criminal activity that has just been discovered by their spouse.

It may be that one of the spouses is being physically abused by the other. It may be that the husband or wife has molested one of the children. It may even be a breach so horrific that you can’t even wrap your natural mind around it. Think of spouses who learn they’ve been married to a serial killer who’s buried the bodies in their own backyard. Or they just discovered there’s someone chained up in the secret room in the basement that has been “off limits.”

Is it possible for even a marriage like that to be saved? Um… Well... Knowing the God I serve, I’d have to say “it’s possible.” However, sometimes a person may find they married the devil incarnate, or a secret devil worshiper unwilling to give up their beliefs. God can only work with willing hearts. If we harden our hearts to him (and each other), He will not violate our free will.

So to my fellow Christians, especially, I say this…

Just because you know the Word doesn’t mean you know enough about everyone’s personal situation – and God’s will for them – to insert yourself by telling them God doesn’t desire that they get divorced. Many times, rather than encouragement, all you’re adding is confusion and judgment.

Yes, the Bible says God hates divorce. But it also says, “What GOD has put together let no man put asunder.” Some of these unions, God has not put together. Some of these unions need to be torn apart before someone dies – if not physically, then emotionally or spiritually.

Believers, the best thing you can say to a couple having marital issues is that you’ll pray for them, and pray that God’s will be done.

Unless you’ve been professionally or spiritually asked and anointed to intervene (not interfere) in someone’s marital issues, stay out of them.

My Facebook Kingdom

Facebook is like creating your own community (neighborhood, high school, college) of people you like and enjoy – regardless of where they live on the planet.

My FB community is a monarchy, not a democracy. In fact, it’s more than a community – it’s a Kingdom, my own personal Facebook Kingdom! I am the Queen, Her Royal Highness, of my FB Kingdom. I’m the only one who makes the rules on my page and with my friends. I can choose not to allow someone into my FB Kingdom. Complete strangers are almost always declined.

My Facebook friends are family members, friends, co-workers (current and past, and possibly future), church members, and friends of friends (and family members) who I find interesting or enjoyable enough to invite into my personal FB community.

Like other Royal Leaders, I set the tone of my FB Kingdom – positive or negative, light-hearted and humorous or cynical and cutting.  My Kingdom tone tends to lean toward positive, light-hearted, humorous, deep, random and informative.

Here’s the most incredible thing: All of my FB citizens are also Royal Leaders (Kings and Queens) of their own FB Kingdoms! It’s truly amazing!

In all honesty, I rarely visit other FB Kingdoms, but when I do, I can tell how their King or Queen rules by the posts they make or allow. Since it’s not for me to judge someone else’s Kingdom, I usually just stay on my side of the moat, unless their King or Queen and I are kindred spirits or Allies, as it were.

Personal visits are not actually required. My FB Royal Newsfeed allows me to learn what others are doing in their Kingdoms. I will admit I most enjoy the funny postings from the Court Jesters. They bring me personal joy! I frequently share these with my FB Kingdom Citizens.

Many Royal Leaders feel that the more people “friends” they have in their FB Kingdom, the more their value increases. I beg to differ. I have no desire to allow random strangers or barely known associates into my FB Kingdom. I am proud to have a strong Kingdom made up of widely varied members who all have value to me. Conservatives and liberals, military and civilian, young and mature, married and single, male and female, from CEOs to entry level, from highly intelligent to…still seeking knowledge – all make up my very valued Kingdom citizens.

In my Kingdom, it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality.

In my FB Kingdom, if I find I don’t actually like someone, or if they’re suddenly being rude or obnoxious, I can exile them. Unfortunately, I have had to “unfriend” and even “block” citizens who are causing unnecessary disturbance or offense to my FB Kingdom or its citizens.

Sometimes, I put the offensive ones on a temporary timeout “Restricted” status because I don’t want to fully exile them. They still have value to my FB Kingdom, but until they calm down and act like a good citizen, I can’t have them offending me or others in my FB Kingdom. Sometimes, quite unexpectedly, FB randomly restricts someone for me. (My sister and I have found this to be the case, at which time a Royal re-boot is necessary.)

Like an actual Kingdom, very few of my FB members actually have the opportunity to interact with Her Royal Highness personally. Less than a third of my community members have my phone number or even my email address.

For security reasons (and to avoid offense), I have even changed my FB Kingdom settings to allow my Royal online visits to be private. Only my small inner circle (Roundtable) can see when I’m online.

Here’s where my Kingdom, and Royal Leadership Style, differs from many others: I don’t require nor expect my FB Kingdom citizens to “Like” all of my posts or decrees. I don’t take it personally when they don’t. I don’t require nor expect my FB Kingdom citizens to comment or post on my page for holidays, my birthday or even when I decree great news in my Kingdom. It’s appreciated, of course, but it doesn’t determine whether or not they’re loyal, friendly, loving citizens. Their “likes” don’t determine the quality of my Royal Decrees (posts). My Royal worth is also not determined by how many FB Kingdom citizens (friends) I have.

Yes, I enjoy Facebook and all its many Kingdoms, but it’s virtual. It’s not real life. It’s not real relationship. It’s just a tool to connect from afar. It’s an opportunity to frame or create a personal community of people we love, like, and admire. It’s a way to touch large groups of people at once, a way to play games with people living thousands of miles away.

It’s not designed and shouldn’t be used to determine our worth, replace real connections (face-to-face or voice-to-voice time), or confirm that we’re loved.

My Fellow FB Citizens, Kings and Queens – don’t lose your perspective. Enjoy your virtual FB Kingdoms and make the most of them. Don’t let them rule you.

Constantly Thinking….

POST BLOG NOTE:

In my real-world Kingdom, the rules are mostly the same. I am the ruler of my heart and mind, guided by my Holy King. I am both Queen and citizen. I determine who I will let into my inner circle (my close friends). It’s the quality, not the quantity that matters – although I do tend to make friends quite easily. I interact with many other kingdoms, kings and queens – great and small, good and bad. However, I set the tone of my house. My perspective is determined by me, not by circumstances or other people’s kingdoms.