A Life Decision

When I was 15 and in 11th grade I specifically remember the day when I was asked by God, "Will you use your powers for good or for evil?"

I didn't even have a personal relationship with God at that time. But there was no question that I had a decision to make. A life decision.

Who was I going to be? Was I going to use my intelligence, looks, feminine wiles for good or for my own personal gain?

I remember that I skipped all my classes that day. The decision wasn't easy for me. Everyone around me, it seemed, got to do whatever they wanted to do - for whatever reason they wanted to do it - and most of it was personal gain.

I felt like I should at least have a few years of living selfishly. I was only 15. Couldn't I be selfish until 18 or 21, at least?

But no. The question was clear. Choose. Choose now. Good or evil? For the greater good or for your personal gain?

Looking back on it, I don't recall what I thought the repercussions would be if I chose personal gain. I didn't know the Lord so I don't think that I thought I'd end up in hell.

I just remember knowing that there would be repercussions if I chose the selfish path.

I cried that day. All day long. I thought it wasn't fair. I didn't want to have to decide right then. I tried to ignore the question but it wouldn't go away. That's why I skipped all my classes. I couldn't focus. The question was too loud.

What was interesting about that day is that I became completely self-aware. Aware that all my decisions had an impact on others. All my words, all my actions suddenly had meaning. I could no longer operate cluelessly in a fog. I could no longer say, "Sorry, I wasn't thinking." (Unless I chose to lie.)

Everything changed for me that day.

I recognized who I was and what my gifts and talents were (at least some of them).

On that day, when I was 15, I chose who I was going to be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still human. I make mistakes, bad choices, selfish choices at times. But I can't ever stay immersed in my mistakes. It doesn't sit well with me. Because I made a choice long ago.

So, what am I thinking about today?

I'm thinking about the fact that I have always been attracted to incredibly intelligent men. Men with a self-awareness, a great sense of humor, quick thinkers.

However, I suddenly (and recently) realized that I'd never considered whether the men I've been in relationships with ever made the choice I made. Had they ever made a conscious decision to choose good over evil? To choose the well-being of mankind over selfish gain?

If they hadn't, then a man with all the wonderful characteristics that I'm attracted to could be a dangerous thing. A man with incredible intelligence, who's self-aware, but who hasn't chosen to use his powers for good? Scary.

In my pre-relationship assessment, I don't need to just ask "Is he a nice guy?" The biggest question I need to ask is "Has he ever made a life decision?"

The man God has for me will be one who, at some point in his life, made the same decision I made. He's chosen to use his powers for good and not for evil (or personal gain).

I look forward to meeting him.

Until then, I'm...

Constantly Thinking