The Ratchet Twerking Culture

“All Black men cheat, have no job, have multiple babies by multiple baby mamas, and are criminals. All Black women are single baby mama ho’s who love to go out twerkin’, and are only attracted to bad boy criminals.” That’s what society and even our own ethnic culture would have us believe. They’re just keeping it real, right? What’s the problem?

The first problem is – it’s not true for all of us. Secondly, for those who believe it and walk in it, even if they are the majority – they don’t represent MY culture. I’m out!

I recently watched a Christian program with young black men on a panel. I was disgusted and disillusioned by their words and their mindset about women – not just because they were “Christians” but because they were black men. The audience just applauded and nodded as they called women B’s and Ho’s. Males AND females nodded and applauded, and the pastor leading the show said nothing to rebut the men. Comments were made that they were just “keeping it real.” It occurred to me how many people I knew would watch or hear what they were saying and just agree. “At least they’re being honest.” It made me sick to my stomach and, frankly, I got angry! Livid, in fact.

It made realize – and say out loud – MY future husband is NOT coming from this culture, because my husband would never think or say the things those men just said about women. The culture that my future husband is part of would not find that acceptable. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually cultures who would not allow their men to get up on national television and speak disrespectfully about their women.

And for the record, to the people – men and women – who think that’s what “keeping it real” means, I’m not affiliated with you either.

I don’t just blame the men. I blame the women who have accepted being called Ho’s and B’s - in music and to their faces and by their girlfriends. I blame the women who have presented themselves as a sex object only – through their attire, their video appearances, their promiscuity, their “ratchet twerking.” My sister/girlfriend put it best, “When I was growing up, only unattractive girls had to put it out there like that on the dance floor (i.e. ratchet twerking).” Now that’s the norm. Music videos are filled with beautiful women dancing like a…like nothing but a sex object.

My sister/girlfriend went on to say that if young women decided that men who chose to be felons, drug dealers and gangbangers were off the date-able list, crime would drop to an all-time low. If men knew that once they went to prison for some craziness, they’d never have another woman again, you’d never see another man (worth having) in jail! The prison business would dry up. If women stopped being attracted to the bad boys, and decided that intelligence, respect and integrity was most attractive, more men would pick up a book or go to college, and treat women with respect. We set the tone, “ladies,” even men admit that. If we put it out there, they’ll take it!

But after presenting ourselves as anything BUT a wife, we want men to respect us, and marry us, and be a good provider. We want the Bad Boy to now become a Good Man. It doesn’t work that way.

I am not and have never been part of the culture that wants to be called a B or Ho. I’m not and will never be part of the ratchet twerking culture. I have never been part of the culture that thinks it’s cool to date a man in prison. (What the what??) Bad boys are just that to me – Bad and Boys. I'm attracted to Men.

Intelligent, confident men with integrity – regardless of their ethnicity – are who does it for me. If that means I date outside my race, so be it. I’ve never had a problem with that. I’ve decided that my “culture” is no longer just my ethnicity. The culture I identify with is defined by what’s on the inside. The culture that thinks calling women out of their name is okay, that treats and condones promiscuity and infidelity like it’s the accepted norm – I’ve turned in my membership card to that culture (if I ever had one). Tear a stripe of my arm if you want to. I’m happy not to be part of your “Keeping It Real, Ratchet Twerking” Club.

And, just “keeping it real” – it’s not just because I’m a “holier than thou” Christian. I wasn’t a ratchet twerker, bad boy dater before I got saved. I’ve always had more respect for myself than that! With very few exceptions, I’ve dated amazing, intelligent, respectable men, by anyone’s standards.

Fortunately, I’m hearing from more and more people – men and women, young and mature, from all ethnicities – who are fed up with the twerking, the criminals, the promiscuity, the infidelity, the low standards, the lack of respect, and the negative cultural stereotypes that seem to be both societal and ethnic. A new culture is evolving, and I’m happy to be part of it.

I was so encouraged by reading a young, attractive, intelligent, Black man’s Facebook post yesterday. It lets me know that a much-needed culture shift is, indeed, occurring.

I hope he’s sitting up on the panel the next time I turn on my television. He gives me hope.

Just Do It - My Story of Risk-Taking & Defying the Odds

I have defied the odds and been a risk taker all of my life.

When the doctors decided (at age 10) that due to my neck deformity (congenital cervical fusion and severe scoliosis, for those with medical knowledge), that I would have to take muscle relaxers for the rest of my life – and never work – in fact, go on medical disability at 18... I said, “That would make me a drug addict. I'm not doing that.” They also said I could never take PE (or gym) in school, never play sports. I decided I wasn’t going along with that either. I enjoyed skiing in Wisconsin years later!

So, I graduated from High School in Southern California at 16. Went to Michigan State University – with a double major (Computer Science & Theatre) and held down two jobs.

I was paying my way through school when I ran out of money. Again, the naysaying began. Without a degree, I’d amount to nothing – or so they said.

I didn't know then that as a minority I could have found some money to complete my degree from somewhere! But I DID know that not having my degree wasn't going to stop me!

I'd always wanted to live in New York City, so I got a job as a flight attendant for New York Air / Continental. I loved the City – hated the job. I didn't get to use my brain – unless, of course, we were on our way down, and that didn’t really work for me. They wanted to promote me but I knew that it wasn’t my career path.

I left NY and moved briefly back to Michigan to work in insurance (but got restless quickly). Then I moved to Washington, DC, Maryland and Virginia - where I became a convention planner and traveled all over the country and internationally. I worked for the Association of Trial Lawyers of America and another (city planning) organization. I absolutely loved being a convention planner but I wanted a job where I could plan my own events, not someone else's.

While working full-time, I began consulting and producing my own events. I was able to join the team of event planners that produced the National Desert Storm Victory Parade. I began producing an event called “Dance Against Drugs” that attracted the attention of the Partnership for a Drug Free America. I was having a great time! Most importantly, I loved the city! Washington, DC is my natural home! (I will return there!)

Then, someone suggested that I start my own entertainment production company. I realized I'd have to move (back) to Los Angeles to really be entrenched in the business. Thanks to a great friend (and former boss), I ended up back in LA, working for Columbia TriStar Television – first in Special Events, then in Public Relations – when they found out I could write.

I loved the entertainment business, loved the company I worked for, loved my colleagues and my bosses! BUT, I absolutely HATED the earthquake in '94. I left again that year and moved briefly back to Michigan – never having started my production company.

I was only in Michigan for a few months when I got a call for an interview at Turner Broadcasting in Atlanta (also courtesy of a good friend/former boss). I flew to Atlanta, interviewed all day, and was offered the job that afternoon.

Within months, I was promoted to heading up a PR department for one of the Turner divisions. Again, loved the company, adored my boss and colleagues, and really liked Atlanta. But then, another shake-up. Time Warner and Turner merged. I could stay in PR – as a VP in Atlanta, NY or LA. I could go into sales – which my amazing boss was encouraging me to do. Or, as fate would have it, I could take an outside option which was being offered (again, courtesy of a good friend/former boss). I took the outside option and joined Harpo Productions in Chicago.

I excitedly moved to Chicago to work for Oprah – most excited about living so close to my family again. (They were still in Michigan.) I loved working for O, loved my coworkers, met my husband there (now ex-, but I still met him there) and loved the adventure.

Working at the same company as my fiancé was a bit challenging, plus I was being under-utilized and wanted to do more for O. I met with the president and pitched the idea for using O’s giving as a way for her to stay connected with the public – with me running it, of course. He loved the idea but said they weren’t ready for it just yet. So I moved on. Later, that concept would become Oprah’s Angel Network! I was so excited! (It didn’t matter that I didn’t get to head it up. It was a brilliant move for O and that’s all that mattered to me.)

I’d moved on to what would become my favorite position of all time (so far) – working for Sara Lee Corporation in Public Responsibility, dealing with issues of concern to women and minorities. We worked on the local, national and international level – changing lives, changing the world. It was the most rewarding job I’ve ever had!! It challenged me, it fulfilled me, it allowed me to give back, use all of my gifts and talents. Once again, I met and worked with and for amazing colleagues and a great boss – we’re all still friends today. I thought I would retire there. Seriously, I did.

But then, the biggest life change of all – my Angel David was born. I had a difficult pregnancy. Oh yeah, the doctors also said I’d never be able to have a baby. Whatever! My David is just as determined and as much of a fighter as I am. Even though I went into pre-term labor at 22 weeks, he held on. He stayed in full-term. We fought through it together!

I had (and still have) the biggest blessing of them all with my child. He’s truly one for the history books. People who don’t even like kids like David. He just has that effect on people.

During my pregnancy, I had to stay on bedrest for 4 months! I had nothing else to do but write, so I did. I wrote my first screenplay, Accountability. (Look for it in theaters next year.)

Once again, I was led (reluctantly) to move back to LA, to start my own production company (for real this time). Amazingly, my husband was in agreement – even though he was a die-hard Chicago native. I say reluctantly because I’m an East Coast/Midwest girl at heart. I love the change of season. I love the pace of the East Coast and the Midwest. But I’m also obedient. I was led, so I moved. Period.

I returned to LA and immediately landed a position as head of marketing for the Entertainment Industry Foundation (again, courtesy of a good friend/former boss). EIF is the organization that does the Revlon Run Walk. While there, I oversaw the biggest fundraising launch in their history ($12M) for the National Colorectal Cancer Research Alliance. (Remember when Katie Couric had her colonoscopy on live TV? I was part of the team that planned that.) I fell in love with my boss and the CFO – still friends today. (Honestly, I have truly had the best bosses and co-workers ever!)

I’d been there about a year, when we decided to put David in daycare for the first time. He was one. Three days into it, he came home with scratches across his face, his arms and his legs. When I questioned the daycare workers, they said, “Get used to it. He’s a boy. What’s his name again?”

I pulled him out immediately.

Then I did the riskiest thing I’d ever done – I quit my job and became a stay-at-home mom.

I realized that with all the excitement and travel and giving back and celebrities and everything else – nothing was more important than being there for my son. I was sowing into a LIFE!

I can tell all of you business women who may be wondering if it’s worth it – it was!! David is one of the most amazing young men I’ve ever known. And, yes, I’m biased – but I’m not wrong. (Meet him – you’ll see.)

I was encouraged in my decision by a woman who’d started her career after having multiple kids and getting them all through school. She was (and possibly still is) the head of the National Arts Council. We happened to have breakfast in NY, just as I was considering my big transition. My boss was late, so we had one-on-one time – and it changed my life, and made up my mind.

Finally, with time on my hands (somewhat), I finally (10 years later) launched my production company – No Weapon Productions – with my (then) husband! No Weapon was formed in 2001, then incorporated in 2004.

Most production companies don’t make it past year one, fewer to year three.  We’re still here – more than 10 years later. I’ve written, directed and produced more than 60 stageplays and short films. Two of which have gone to the Cannes Film Festival! One is award-winning. Our shorts have been screened and stageplays have traveled around the country.

I have to mention – in the midst of running No Weapon, I took on another full-time position. Again, a good friend/ former boss recommended it to me. (These are not all the same people, by the way.) It was for a lifelong learning organization called OASIS. They brought me in to turn it around. It had been closed due to lack of participation and financial sustainability. While I was there, it became one of the top performing centers in the network (and the city) and grew more than 250% each year – in participation and funding. We went from a $66K budget to nearly a $700K budget in a three year period. (And, of course, more great friendships were formed!)

I know that position was important to my professional development because I had to start (re-launch) a company from scratch and build it from nothing into a success.

In 2008, I took another risk and put MY company on hiatus while I worked on my failing marriage. Despite all efforts, we didn’t work out as husband and wife, although we still parent very well together.

This year (2013), five years later, I re-launched No Weapon Productions – now as a sole proprietor. I was worried that the market wouldn’t still be there. I am happy to say that taking yet another risk has paid off. It’s as though everyone has been waiting for us. We are back “for such a time as this!”

I write this to remind and encourage myself when I get terrified – which, strangely, I still do (go figure!) – not to be afraid. I tell myself to just look back and see all that’s been done already, despite all the odds! Look at where I’ve lived. Look at who I’ve met and worked with and for. Look at all the places I’ve traveled. Look at all the “firsts” I’ve accomplished, records I’ve broken.

I’m a believer. So I can say – God has been with me and for me every step of the way. I’ve had supernatural favor. I’ve been promoted over people who’ve been there longer, had more experience, and, yes, who have had their degrees.

And I haven't done it alone. I've had the help and support of friends, family, coworkers, bosses, financial backers, random strangers - you name it. I've been put on their path, and they've been put on mine. We've helped and supported each other along our journeys - and it's been an absolute blessing!

This year, however, I spent my birthday away from everyone – just alone with God.

I asked Him, “What’s in store now? What’s my next risk? What are the next odds you have for me to defy?”

His response, “No Weapon Productions – a minority-owned, female-owned production company – is going to break records!”

Just watch and see (and join the team, if you dare).

Writing this all down – declaring it publicly – has encouraged me. I hope it encourages you, too!

Constantly Thinking…and taking risks, and defying odds…