I tend to see the best in people, which can be a blessing
and a curse. I see people for the good person they could be, not necessarily the
person they are. The blessed part of that is easy to understand. I tend to give
people the benefit of the doubt. I believe in them when no one else does. I
forgive or overlook lies and transgressions easily and regularly. I play to a
person’s strengths, not their weaknesses.
And therein lies the rub. Overlooking a person’s character
is not wisdom or even just kindness, it’s naïve. I’ve ignored red flags and
stepped on landmines. My last two relationships have been built on lies. Lies I
overlooked. Lies I chose not to believe because I wanted to only focus on the
great part of their character.
I’ve ignored red flags and established close relationships
with friends and family members who are pathological liars. I’ve trusted them
with my heart, my home, my finances, my child.
I’ve ignored red flags and gone into business with people of
questionable character. I’ve worked for companies where, 37 red flags later, I
had to become a whistle blower due to illegal business practices.
Ironically, however, these same people have not given me (or
anyone else) the benefit of the doubt. They assume the worst of people. They
look for deception, disappointment and deviousness in every situation and every
person they encounter. Many of them speak negatively of everyone they know –
trashing one friend to another. No one is exempt from their negative words. Their
lives are built on negativity and lies so they assume everyone else’s is, too.
People who always expect the worst from people reveal a lot about themselves.
It’s a sad, sad cycle.
Well, I’ve decided I’m going to stop drawing these types of
people to me by being so accommodating. Liars are attracted to those who are naïve,
those who will believe – or at least put up with – their lies. I won’t be that
person any longer Thieves are attracted to those they know they can easily take
from. I won’t be that person any longer. Manipulators are attracted to those
they can easily manipulate. I’m not her anymore. Negative people are attracted
to those who will support or validate their negativity. I’m not interested in
that.
I have wonderful examples of truthful, positive, transparent
friends and family members, people of noble character in my life. They’re not perfect.
They make bad choices at times, just like the rest of us. The difference is,
they own up to it. They’re accountable. They don’t feel like they have
something to lose by being truthful. They feel like they have something to lose
by NOT being honest. They’re not so insecure about who they are that they have
to lie about their character to feel accepted or respected. They give it to you
straight and let you decide if you want to have a relationship with the true
them – not their representative or façade.
So here’s my word of advice – to you as well as myself:
To avoid heart ache, naivete, unnecessary worry and
insecurity, try the following.
Take the time to truly get to know people (friends, family
and especially love interests). Listen to them. Observe their behavior (which
will speak louder than their words). People will always show you who they are
(whether they intend to or not). Once you know who they are, don't be
disappointed or surprised when they follow their own pattern of behavior. Don't
assume or expect the worst of them if their good character has always (or
usually) shown you that you should give them the benefit of the doubt.
Conversely, don't blind yourself to a person of poor character by assuming that
they won't act that way with you or you will be the one who changes who they
are.
If we only choose to pay attention and truly "see"
people, we will hold the wonderful ones more closely, and guard our hearts from
those who intend us harm.
