About Black Women

Of course it's only fair for me to be honest about the women now.

So, here goes. Although I am a Black woman, I honestly don't understand most Black women. Not the "typical" ones, anyway.

I don't have the typical Black woman attitude or mindset, apparently. I have been told that repeatedly by Black men - and they meant it as a compliment. But not being "typical" also meant that I didn't fit in with the crowd in school. And I didn't and still don't hang with the Black female cluster in business settings.

I don't have the proverbial Black woman chip on my shoulder. I don't think all Black men are dogs. I've dated absolutely wonderful Black men and I'm still friends with most of them. Most of the Black women I know think every ex is a dog - who was hiding in sheep's clothing to attract and conquer her. I don't feel that way. I date nice guys - not bad boys. When we break up - they're still nice guys. Just nice guys with whom it didn't work out.

I don't feel like I need to constantly give everyone - especially men - a piece of my mind. "I couldn't help it" or "they just pushed me too far," is not a valid excuse to tell someone off, in my opinion. I can actually control my temper and my tongue.

I'm one of the few Black women I know who didn't cheer when Angela Bassett burned up her cheating husband's belongings in "Waiting to Exhale." I have never and would never slash my man's tires, beat down "the other woman," or go off on my man in public. (I don't "go off," actually. I fight fair.) My neck doesn't actually even crank.

I don't call my girlfriends "bi**h, hoe or hootchie. And they don't call me that either. I think that's obnoxious and rude. If you call me that, I certainly don't consider you a friend.

I don't proudly or with attitude pronounce "I don't have any women friends. Women just don't like me." I've learned that you have to be a (trustworthy) friend to have a friend. In general, I've found women who declare they don't have women friends are not very friendly - and don't make good friends. They judge other women, compare themselves with them, and try to flirt with other women's men just to see if they can take him - not because they really want him. (That's ugly.)

I don't consider every Black woman I meet to be competition. I don't compare myself with them to see who's prettier, thinner, has better hair, more fashionable clothes, etc. I've heard more women say, "I don't know why he wants her. I look better than her." So! Looks are clearly not everything. There's always a prettier girl. Men don't just choose the prettiest. They choose the one who clicks with them. You don't have to understand it or try to compete with it.

I don't feel like men need to just recognize that I'm a queen and they need to just serve me! My man and I (when I have one) serve each other. And I truly like to serve my man. I LIKE to cook his meals, and fix his plate, and wash his clothes, and make sure the house is clean and warm and inviting when he gets home. And yet I'm still a businesswoman. And not just any businesswoman - a business leader - a president, CEO and executive director. And serving my man doesn't make me a doormat. It shows my man that I love and respect him, and that he's first with me. I can be a tiger in the boardroom, and a pussycat in the bedroom (or a tiger, if he prefers).

But my man (when I have one) doesn't take me for granted. He serves me right back. He fills my tank with gas, and washes my car, helps me on with coat, and opens doors for me. He carries anything that's even a little bit heavy, opens jars that are even a little bit tight, and boldly protects me from situations that are even a little bit dangerous.

Allowing my man to do these things doesn't make me a weak Black woman. I don't have to prove to a man that I can do things on my own. A real man knows that already. I can be a lady with my man and allow him to be a gentleman.

I didn't get married until I was in my mid-thirties - but that didn't make me desperate. I enjoyed being single. Unfortunately, I'm not with my husband any longer - but that doesn't make me bitter or angry. I loved being married. I was a good wife. And I'll be a good wife again someday, God willing. If not, I'll be a great woman regardless - whether single, dating or married!

Black women who speak of Black men as though they're worthless don't deserve a man. Women who talk about the man they're with negatively, don't deserve that man. If you're having trouble with your man - the only people who should know are you and your man. Even if you both decide it won't work out - your reasons why should be private. And if they're the same reasons you break up with every man, perhaps the reasons have more to do with you and/or your choices and not the men that YOU keep choosing.

Strong, intelligent, generous, accountable, Black men with a sense of humor are rare. But they do exist - just like the blogger said. If a woman is really that special, really that much of a queen, why would she think that she could and should date just any man? Either you're rare and special or you're not. If you are, then the average Joe off the street or in the club is NOT going to be the one for you. Perhaps if you keep choosing losers, it's because you're not really that special yourself. Don't get mad at the men for that! You're the one who said "yes" and accepted the date!

I don't choose losers. I choose wonderful men who are wonderful before, during and after we're together. But I don't date indiscriminately. Because the average Joe is for the average Josie. And I'm not average.

Just to be clear - I have a LOT of wonderful Black women friends. I've been fortunate to find women who, like me, don't fit into the "typical" category. I had ten phenomenal women as my bridesmaids in my wedding. The men who attended couldn't believe they were around that many beautiful women - inside and out. They're rare, but they do exist. Since the wedding, I've met a number of other atypical, beautiful Black women. They've immediately been folded into the group. That's the other thing about me that's not typical. When I meet wonderful people, I introduce them to each other. I have no insecurities about my friends meeting and connecting with each other. I don't compete with them. My feeling is that there are only so many of us in the world - we should all know each other. There's strength in unity. We help and encourage each other. There are no schisms between us.

For those who do try to create conflict every now and then by either "stealing" a friend (which is impossible) or talking about one of the others or me, they just oust themselves from the group. And then, they usually straighten themselves back out and rejoin - because they miss the camaraderie and sisterhood of real Black women.

So, which kind of Black woman are you? If you're a man, which kind have you dated? If you're a Black man and you've dated outside of your race, why? And what did you find the differences to be?

Talk to me.

Until then, I'm...

Constantly Thinking

P.S. Just for the record - cowards are not worthless. Most people - men and women of all colors and races - fall into this category, unfortunately. It's just a character flaw - that can actually be corrected with practice. I mentioned the cowardice of most Black men yesterday because I was thinking about women choosing the bad boys and why. I was thinking about whether or not we train them up that way. I was thinking about whether or not we settle for and coddle cowardice rather than expecting accountability and bravery. But I love my Black brothers. And as I said, I'm still friends (and in contact) with almost every man I've ever dated. (Which also proves I'm not the crazy, chip-on-the-shoulder, typical Black woman.) How many of my Black sisters are still friends with their exes? A note of advice: If you're truly a good woman and you choose good men, you can be friends even if doesn't work out.