Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!

I tend to see the best in people, which can be a blessing and a curse. I see people for the good person they could be, not necessarily the person they are. The blessed part of that is easy to understand. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe in them when no one else does. I forgive or overlook lies and transgressions easily and regularly. I play to a person’s strengths, not their weaknesses.

And therein lies the rub. Overlooking a person’s character is not wisdom or even just kindness, it’s naïve. I’ve ignored red flags and stepped on landmines. My last two relationships have been built on lies. Lies I overlooked. Lies I chose not to believe because I wanted to only focus on the great part of their character.

I’ve ignored red flags and established close relationships with friends and family members who are pathological liars. I’ve trusted them with my heart, my home, my finances, my child.

I’ve ignored red flags and gone into business with people of questionable character. I’ve worked for companies where, 37 red flags later, I had to become a whistle blower due to illegal business practices.

Ironically, however, these same people have not given me (or anyone else) the benefit of the doubt. They assume the worst of people. They look for deception, disappointment and deviousness in every situation and every person they encounter. Many of them speak negatively of everyone they know – trashing one friend to another. No one is exempt from their negative words. Their lives are built on negativity and lies so they assume everyone else’s is, too. People who always expect the worst from people reveal a lot about themselves.

It’s a sad, sad cycle.

Well, I’ve decided I’m going to stop drawing these types of people to me by being so accommodating. Liars are attracted to those who are naïve, those who will believe – or at least put up with – their lies. I won’t be that person any longer Thieves are attracted to those they know they can easily take from. I won’t be that person any longer. Manipulators are attracted to those they can easily manipulate. I’m not her anymore. Negative people are attracted to those who will support or validate their negativity. I’m not interested in that.

I have wonderful examples of truthful, positive, transparent friends and family members, people of noble character in my life. They’re not perfect. They make bad choices at times, just like the rest of us. The difference is, they own up to it. They’re accountable. They don’t feel like they have something to lose by being truthful. They feel like they have something to lose by NOT being honest. They’re not so insecure about who they are that they have to lie about their character to feel accepted or respected. They give it to you straight and let you decide if you want to have a relationship with the true them – not their representative or façade.

So here’s my word of advice – to you as well as myself:

To avoid heart ache, naivete, unnecessary worry and insecurity, try the following.

Take the time to truly get to know people (friends, family and especially love interests). Listen to them. Observe their behavior (which will speak louder than their words). People will always show you who they are (whether they intend to or not). Once you know who they are, don't be disappointed or surprised when they follow their own pattern of behavior. Don't assume or expect the worst of them if their good character has always (or usually) shown you that you should give them the benefit of the doubt. Conversely, don't blind yourself to a person of poor character by assuming that they won't act that way with you or you will be the one who changes who they are.

If we only choose to pay attention and truly "see" people, we will hold the wonderful ones more closely, and guard our hearts from those who intend us harm.